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Posts Tagged ‘metropolitan police’

‘Nice criminals’ will be forced to wear Hallowe’en masks

the world's just not terrifying enough yetFollowing the conviction of Rolf Harris for a string of sexual assaults, the Secretary of State for Justice, Chris Grayling, is set to announce sweeping reforms to festive Hallowe’en costumes to aid the public in their identification and eventual demonisation of suspected criminals. The Metropolitan Police admitted, that having exhausted its supply of freaky-looking paedophiles to prosecute, Operation Yewtree will now have to include celebrities people actually like.

Previously the government had implemented a system whereby serial killers agreed to grow beards, molesters were given bad haircuts and tax avoiders were required to dress like George Osborne. Unfortunately, the agreed classification has become undermined by the rise of ‘paedo chic’, which has seen the likes of Russell Brand making ironic use of Ted Bundy’s mojo and Lady Gaga looking like a transgender Jimmy Savile.

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Posted: Jul 1st, 2014
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Metropolitan Police given permission to buy Death Ray

Approval has been given for the Metropolitan Police to purchase three Death Rays for London. Stephen Greenhalgh, deputy mayor for policing and crime, authorised the force to buy the water cannons death rays from the Galactic Empire, saving more than £2.3 trillion.

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Posted: Jun 11th, 2014
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Metropolitan Police to be nicer on Tuesdays

Metropolitan PoliteMetropolitan Police officers in London are to start being nicer on Tuesdays, Scotland Yard has announced.

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Posted: Jan 14th, 2014
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Maddie cops ‘nothing to do with guns, whips, hacking or dead newspaper vendors’

Detectives working on the newly launched Madeleine McCann investigation have been selected because they are ‘are nothing like’ other police in the news at the moment, Gerald Smith of the Police Federation told a news conference.

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Posted: Oct 17th, 2013
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Scotland Yard Productions ‘cock-a-hoop’ as ‘Celebrity Dawn Raid’ wins second series

BAFTA winning series ‘Celebrity Dawn Raid’ by Scotland Yard Productions, the showbiz wing of the Metropolitan Police, has been commissioned for a second series.

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Posted: May 11th, 2013
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