While the club disputed that original plans to place the statue outside the baby change toilets were ‘in questionable taste’, Roman Abramovich insisted that unsupportive fans ‘were not true fans’ and if they didn’t like it, ‘they can go to Thailand’.

Commenting on the likelihood of the statue causing controversy, Chairman Bruce Buck was unconcerned. ‘We’re proud of our status as the most hated club in the country so this statue is well in keeping with our ethos.’

‘Plus, if any children do make it inside, we’ll have Ashley Cole ready and waiting with an air rifle.’

Qoxiivi (with an inappropriate wink to Al O’Pecia)

Touching down at his private Gracelands airstrip, Presley, 76, greeted well-wishers from his specially-converted vintage World War II bomber. ‘Uh-thankyouverymuch,’ muttered The King, before launching into one of his trademark karate moves. ‘It’s great to be back. Perhaps now I can, uh, get on with my life in peace – yeah.’

Elvis fans, who have long blamed the Sunday Sport for causing his self-imposed exile to the moon after a journalist for the red-top alleged that the Blue Hawaii star had faked his own death in 1977, are said to be feeling ‘vindicated’.

‘From the moment Elvis embarked on a covert mission for the CIA he was hounded by journalists like those two-bit Sport hacks. But he can get back to leading a normal life as an international megastar-cum-intelligence agent of near-god status now that no good rag is gone,’ said one long-term Presley devotee, ‘Although I will miss their Cheryl Cole upskirt shots.’

The return of The King has sparked scenes of worldwide euphoria, yet the historic event has been tinged with sadness for Elvis, who recently learned of the death of fellow singer Kirsty McColl. ‘Aw man that’s a real drag. I met her when I was short on cash and workin’ in a chip shop and we become real good friends – rest in peace darlin’, rest in peace.’

Since returning from his luxury lunar penthouse, Presley has vowed to lead a quiet life. ‘I think it’s time I settled down – maybe I’ll cut back on the cheeseburgers and ease up on the pills a little. And I can’t wait to look up my baby girl Lisa Marie. I read somethin’ about her and some guy with a monkey and an oxygen tent, but you can’t believe everythin’ you see in the papers. Yeah – from now on y’all get no more surprises from lil’ ol’ me…’ said a calmer, more reflective pop icon, ‘Oh, Marilyn and Adolf say hi by the way.’

‘Given that they failed even to secure an away draw, it is impossible to say at this stage that Tottenham ‘fucked Young Boys’, which I might add is a still unproven allegation against Mr Jackson,’ said James Spencer-Wright MP, Under-Secretary of State for New Gags. ‘Fortunately he’s dead, so he can’t sue anyway.’

Added Spencer-Wright: ‘However, a late fightback to 3-2 after a dreadful start means that the tie still hangs in the balance. In the event of a comfortable victory for Tottenham in the second leg, we will review the options. By the way, did you know they play in the Wankdorf Stadium. Really. Sounds a bit like, you know…’

‘In hindsight, I suppose there was always going to be a limit to the intelligence we could get from a depressed farmer drink-driving his tractor at 2am,’ said an alien spokesbeing today. ‘We were disappointed to find that the majority of these people from isolated rural communities were not as well-connected to the planet’s major political powers as we’d hoped, and in truth they only confused our understanding of the human race. For a time we weren’t sure the species had a definitive stance on incest, or indeed what the correct number of fingers and toes was for a human. Perhaps we should have made better use of Wikipedia.’

Alien leaders have taken the opportunity to apologise formally to the ‘lost generation’ of socially awkward stay-at-homes they had previously targeted, expressing particular remorse that their routine examinations of human reproductive organs may have been seen as a come-on by the many abductees with limited sexual experience. They also apologised unreservedly to all their former guests for any damage to their credibility or social standing on earth caused by their failure to return and crown them Grand Master of Quadrant Z as promised.

‘If we could travel back in time and do it all again,’ continued the spokesbeing, ‘we’d probably choose to convey our message of constructive engagement with humans in writing or by just popping round to introduce ourselves in person, rather than relying solely on crop circles. And we’d certainly think twice before going with recreational drug users again as our preferred messengers for warnings of global apocalypse.’

Aliens had hoped that their apology would go some way to building bridges between human and extra-terrestrial civilisations and might attract more promising candidates for cranial and rectal probing, but their latest visitor appears to be no different to previous guests. ‘He talked passionately about a vision of the world as a giant theme park in which adults and children live in a harmonious condition of mutual love and respect unhampered by legal interference. By the time he tried to convince us it was normal to walk backwards while keeping both feet on the ground at all times, we knew he was taking the piss and we sent him packing with enough drugs in his system to forget the whole sorry episode.’

‘Many people don’t want to go without a fuss,’ said Karl-Heinz Struther, director of Indignitas.  ‘Some want to make a point, while others simply want a genuine once-in-a-lifetime experience.  With a life-exit package for every taste, ambition and demographic, we’ve had no dissatisfied customers yet.’

Men from all over Europe are flocking to the clinic for the chance to take their mid-life crisis to its logical conclusion with the ‘Jim Morrison’ deal, a Paris-based weekend break that includes drugs, alcohol and sex followed by drowning in a bath.  An adventurous few have instead opted for the ‘Stranglewank’, the auto-erotic practice popularised by former INXS singer Michael Hutchence and film star David Carradine.

Oppressed women, meanwhile, are queuing up for the ‘Sylvia Plath’, a moving farewell involving a dingy room, a gas oven and the posthumous demonisation of a person of their choice.  And car enthusiasts have been honking their horns in delight at the ‘James Dean’, a splendid one-off opportunity to drive a classic Porsche head-on into a truck in a reconstruction of Hollywood’s notoriously dangerous Mulholland Drive.

Among failed bankers the ‘Wall Street Plunge’ has proved very popular.  The brochure describes it as ‘a full gravity descent down the outside of the Swiss Re tower in the heart of Geneva’s bustling financial district, followed by a champagne reception at the bottom’.  Wealthier clients have opted for deals from the à la carte Indignitas Premium range, including the ‘JFK’, in which half the fun is not knowing whether the fatal shot came from the lone gunman in the book depository or the CIA agent on the grassy knoll, and the ‘Princess Diana’, in which a beered-up chauffeur will quickly show you the sights of Paris before suddenly inviting you to join him up front.

But despite the booming business, it isn’t all proving to be plain sailing for Indignitas.  An investigation is under way into the passing of a man who had apparently planned to die spectacularly in front of thousands during a gruelling series of shows at the London O2.  ‘Unfortunately he didn’t make it that far,’ said Herr Struther.  ‘We think he may have been accidentally dispatched by the doctor sent to help Farrah Fawcett on her way.’

Sitting back in her luxurious home, with Bubbles her cat, Nolan reflected on her near-miss with death. ‘I’m so lucky that my sisters, and perhaps a lack of quite as much talent as Michael, saved me from the path that led poor him to his death. Of course, I would have loved to have done ‘Off The Wall’, ‘Thriller’ and all that, but in my opinion they weren’t a patch on ‘I’m In The Mood For Dancing.’

Speaking of her future plans, the ‘Dancing On Ice’ star said that she was looking forward to their reunion tour later this year. ‘Who would have thought that The Nolans would be attracting bigger audiences than Michael Jackson?’

Uri Geller also rallied to his friend Jackson’s defence ‘convinced with all his heart’ of his continued vitality, telling GMTV ‘I can still sense Michael’s vibrant aura and although he hasn’t been returning my calls for a while, that is not unusual.’

Santa Barbara District Attorney Thomas Sneddon, declined to comment but is reportedly preparing for a prolonged battle.

Fredd

The meeting of the group, held in a secret location and featuring the eight leading figures believed to control the conspiracy world, attempted to agree on the most likely non-official interpretation of events to counter the version that a shady government/media/general public cabal with obvious ulterior motives, was expected to peddle. ‘We’re not going to be caught up on the hop like before with the moon landings, Kennedy and Princess Di,’ claimed an anonymous internet spokesman for the group, ‘that resulted in a wide range of outlandish theories being put out that made us look like a right bunch of loner paranoid cranks. What we need today is one big implausible but impossible to disprove theory upon which we can all agree.’

A range of theories – including an alien abduction that went horribly wrong, the revenge of an embittered Bubbles the chimp, or health problems in a middle-aged man undertaking unaccustomed strenuous phyical exercise exacerbated by a probable prescription drug addiction – were dismissed before a consensus was reached.

Culkin: never seen in the same room...

Having agreed to spread the word of the truth in internet forums and late night public transport, the group then went on to finalise a pitch for a screenplay on Jackson’s life, in which Oliver Stone was said to have shown considerable interest.