NewsBiscuit

Evidence is mounting to suggest that middle class parents have found a new way to help their children get ahead in an increasingly competitive world. With much made of the need for ‘sharp elbows’ to improve life chances for their children in terms of school selection and internships, parents with naturally blunt elbows are turning to plastic surgeons to give themselves a competitive advantage.

‘We were prepared to spend whatever it took to get little Tarquin into a grammar school, but we were perpetually thwarted by the fact that he’s thick,’ said Marion Greenthwaite, 36, from Kent. ‘Even poor children who smelled a bit got in before him, which was an embarrassment in front of the neighbours. But since I’ve had my elbows sharpened, you just give them a quick shove in the ribs on open day and they go down in a trice.’

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Posted: Mar 10th, 2014
More from Health

After a hurricane-force storm hit the south of England, food hoarding has led to a run on essentials like olive oil and organic asparagus. Home Counties housewives have recalled stories told by their mothers of the 1987 storm, where families were left unable to the host even the most basic dinner party.

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Posted: Oct 28th, 2013
More from News In Brief

Publishers are busy reinventing the ‘crap childhood’ genre, trying to breathe life into a tired old format by going upmarket. ‘Readers have become bored with all that working class misery’, says publisher Samantha de Lyle. ‘They’re fed up with clogs, shawls, bad weather and grinding poverty. When confronted by yet another tale of a young girl living in squalor in some Irish hovel, while her drunken father molests her and passes her round amongst his friends, readers are rolling their eyes and saying ‘enough’.’

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Posted: Mar 29th, 2013
More from News In Brief

The government has announced a relaxation of current planning laws in England, removing the requirement for people to get permission from local planning officers for any house extension up to the size of two runways big enough to land Airbus A380 passenger jets in their back garden.

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Posted: Sep 10th, 2012
More from News In Brief

‘Many men over 35 years old and of Anglo origin see killing three or more people over a period of some months as ‘easy meat’.’

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Posted: Jan 8th, 2011
More from Politics