Sources close to Mr Brown are claiming that he and Mr Blair reached a deal in 2006 that Mr Blair would move on after four or five years, handing over to his former Chancellor. But Mr Blair’s aides deny that such an agreement would ever have been struck. ‘There’s no way Tony could have reached such a deal,’ said a spokesman. ‘You only have to look at how little he’s managed to achieve between Israel and Palestine to see that there’s still not a snowball’s chance in hell of agreeing to anything with Gordon.’

Diplomats and officials across the region and in Western capitals were scrambling to relieve tensions after Mr Brown’s comments were overheard while he was making a phone call from the back of his car. ‘It’s that Sue’s fault,’ said Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu. ‘When is she going to remember to turn his bloody microphone off, the silly cow?’

Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas, meanwhile, was more sanguine. ‘Maybe Gordon Brown wouldn’t be all that bad,’ he said. ‘We were worried that John Prescott would be next – he stood in for Tony for a week last summer and ended up causing two Intifadas and punching the prime minister of Lebanon in the face. I’d rather have a mobile phone thrown at me than go through all that again.’

See also: Brown wants to be middle East envoy

‘It was OK when it was Egypt,’ said the BBC’s Middle East editor, Jeremy Bowen. ‘They’ve got the pyramids and stuff to look at, and I did manage to get a few days on a nice boat trip down the Nile.’ But Bowen said he was ‘very critical’ of the BBC for then sending him and his team to a series of ‘ghastly locations’ including Yemen, Bahrain and Libya, instead of somewhere nice like Jamaica or Thailand. ‘I’m fed up of slumming it in all these Arab countries,’ he said. ‘Plus it turns out it’s really hard to get decent hotel rooms or flights to these places at this time of year – even on easyJet.’

‘I make no apologies for the tone of my language but I have to say that Gaddafi’s behaviour has been entirely, yes, entirely inappropriate,’ said Mr Blair. ‘You can’t go around shooting innocent people unless you have first gone through the proper legal channels and then conveniently ignored them. Where would we all be if everyone behaved like he has?’

He continued to reminisce about his period of office as Prime Minister. ‘My government never flinched from our responsibility to protect our citizens and we were tough on anti social behaviour and tough on the causes of anti social behaviour. Taking this experience into consideration, I can see no reason why we shouldn’t take the same action on Col Gaddafi and impose the ultimate sanction of a United Nations Anti Social Behaviour Order on him immediately.’

Mr Blair paused to explain to the assembled world’s press what an ASBO was. ‘We found these to be very effective with miscreants of all shapes and sizes,’ he eventually continued. ‘I certainly didn’t see any trouble after we introduced them. Well, certainly not in Downing Street anyway.’

‘Of course we expect the ASBO to be fully effective, but it doesn’t work we will have to authorise a UN parachute invasion and troops will march Gaddafi to the nearest cash point machine and force him to draw out a bad behaviour fine of £50. That will bring him into line.’

‘I was at a bit of a loose end,’ said the 82-year-old former dictator, ‘so it was nice to be asked. At my age it isn’t easy getting back into the job market.’

In his new role, Mr Mubarak will bid to bring stability to the region by advising leaders on strategies for peace such as controlling the media, refusing free and fair elections and suppressing all opposition. He will also be available to step in to any failing democracy to perform the role of ‘caretaker dictator’.

Fellow Peace Envoy Tony Blair, who will be working alongside Mubarak, has welcomed the appointment. ‘Hosni is just perfect for the role. Like me he has worked in the region for years, often at the behest of America, overstayed his welcome and ended up universally despised by his people. He is the People’s Potentate, the dictator of people’s hearts. Anyone who has heard him speak knows how he can work a crowd into a frenzy. He always leaves them wanting more.’

Mr Mubarak is expected to focus his efforts on the ‘high-risk’ countries that have, or may be moving towards, democracy. ‘I want to help these vulnerable nations avoid the inevitable instability caused by rule of the people,’ he said. ‘I know from bitter experience that these so-called ‘people’ can be very fickle. One minute they love you; the next they’re throwing their shoes at you. I will, of course, do whatever I can to help any fledgling democracy by facilitating an orderly transition to dictatorship.’

President Obama also welcomed Mr Mubarak to his new role. ‘America has always encouraged democracy in the Middle East,’ he said, ‘often by propping up unpopular regimes and thereby fostering a groundswell of democratic opposition. It’s nice to know that if democracy doesn’t work – for example, if the people vote the wrong way – we have someone like Hosni on hand to help out.’

‘This job is a great opportunity for me to give something back,’ continued Mr Mubarak. ‘Obviously not the billions of dollars I siphoned away, but my wisdom, 30 years of experience and an obstinate refusal to listen to anyone.’

Mr Mubarak will start his new job next month, allowing him time to finish his memoirs. ‘I am really enjoying the process of writing,’ he said. ‘It gives me a final chance to do a bit more dictating.’

‘The Death Star will be used for entirely peaceful purposes,’ he told journalists at a specially convened press conference, ‘The state of Israel – which will be within range in under five hours – has absolutely no reason to worry about our new novelty paperweight.’

The UN has reacted to the Death Star’s unveiling by sending its top man to ascertain the threat that such a monstrosity poses. ‘I intend to perform a thorough inspection,’ declared weapons inspector Hans Solo, ‘and I pledge to work alongside the UK’s newly-appointed special envoy to the region, Prescott the Hutt, despite the unfortunate matter of a few gambling debts.’

Surprisingly other nations have greeted the news with a calm level-headedness. From Washington, the US state department said that it saw no ‘proliferation risk’ from the planetoid, although it is rumoured that the Pentagon is planning on resurrecting an anti-missile strategy started in the 1980s by President Reagan. The UK also said that it had ‘always respected’ Iran’s right to a giant planet-killing space station – provided it was used purely for civilian purposes.

However Israel has condemned the move: ‘It is totally unacceptable that a country that so blatantly violates international treaties should enjoy the fruits of using nuclear energy in such a way,’ its Foreign Ministry said in a statement, before reminding Iran of the consequences of any action against Israel. ‘Remember – if you strike us down, we shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.’

With tensions in the area now reaching boiling point, many observers are drawing parallels with the Iraq war, which began following so-called intelligence that Saddam Hussein was actively building an Imperial class Star Destroyer. According to the diplomatic editor of The Times, world leaders should remember the words of weapons expert David Kelly, who later tragically committed suicide in a giant garbage compactor: ‘Those who refuse to learn from history are condemned to repeat it in a vastly inferior series of prequels.’

Insomnia, jp1885 and rickwestwell

The UN’s world leaders exchange programme gets underway today with the Israeli Prime Minister and the President of the Palestinian National Authority (PNA) beginning a two-week job-swap. The scheme is intended to promote greater understanding and co-operation between nations, and it is hoped the first role reversal will lead to a lasting peace in the Middle East.

Under the rules of the exchange, Ehud Olmert and Mahmoud Abbas must for the first week follow the policies already laid down by their opposite number. However, at the midway point of the swap each will take sole charge of their adoptive government and introduce their own policies in a twist that the UN is dubbing ’regime change’.

‘I’m really looking forward to it,’ said Israeli Prime Minister Olmert today. ‘It’ll be nice just to hang out with the Palestinians for a while and see how they operate. I’m hoping they’ll come to understand that if all the people in the West Bank just budged up a little, then that would really make life more comfortable for us Israelis. Plus I’m told that the Gaza Strip is one of the best places on the planet to launch rockets from, so I’m really looking forward to that.’

PNA President Mahmoud Abbas was also in positive spirits. ‘I’ve got relatives in the building trade, and they’re really jealous that I’ll get to put up some settlements in the West Bank without having to worry about formalities like planning permission. But top of the to-do list for week two is definitely the transfer of the deeds to East Jerusalem and the Golan Heights into Palestinian hands. Should be good.’

Assuming the inaugural exchange is a success, the UN has a number of further job swaps lined up. Hugo Chavez is pencilled in to trade places with staid German premier Angela Merkel in January, while Gordon Brown is due to swap with Afghan leader Hamid Karzai in March. It is anticipated that Brown’s experience in reining in rebellious Labour backbenchers will stand him in good stead for trying to reconcile the warring Afghan tribes. Meanwhile, as part of its potential future leaders scheme, the UN has confirmed that Conservative Party leader David Cameron will spend the 2009 parliamentary season on loan at Plymouth Argyle.

The hug itself was initially an awkward affair with nobody sure how to start. Blair apparently just gave Abbas a toothy grin and a big cuddle and the rest nervously joined in. As centuries of bloodshed, conflict and tension evaporated into the air the men appeared visibly moved by the experience. Afterwards all meditated as scented lavender candles and recorded whale song drifted through the air. Then the various participants sat crossed-legged in a symbolic circle and shouted compliments and declarations of love at one another.

The innovative new age approach was apparently the suggestion of Tony Blair’s son Leo who’d heard about group hugging at school and had personally witnessed the technique being used in his kitchen between his father, Uncle Peter and Uncle Gordon.

Later a relaxed Abbas said ‘It’s all so silly really when you think about it. It’s only religion, history and land; what’s to fall out about? Olmert agreed saying ‘We really should be working together for a better world, addressing global problems like poverty, climate change and the crisis in Darfur. Anyway, it’s only a matter of time before most of the world is at war with China so a bit of unity amongst the rest of us sort of felt appropriate.’

Mr. Waite was taken hostage by Islamic Jihad in 1987 and passed a torrid 1,763 days in captivity. Much of his time was spent chained to a radiator under armed guard. Later, if Mr. Waite promised not to fiddle with the thermostatic radiator valve (TRV), he was allowed some degree of privacy as he endured a period of solitary confinement.

It was during this period that Mr. Waite sought comfort from the Chinese-made Hebei cast-iron radiator in traditional white enamel finish. ‘Although the radiator was restraining me, its warmth was very comforting. Though the guards still wouldn’t let me turn it right up because they were worried about the gas bill.’

Mr. Waite recalled how a work experience terrorist guard nearly allowed him to escape. ‘They always used to handcuff me to the mounting bracket but this idiot handcuffed me to the inlet pipe! It was a 15mm compression joint which a chap of my size would have had no problem pulling apart! I did think about doing it but it would have made a nasty mess and I dread to think what the guards would have said if they caught me,’ Mr. Waite added ruefully.

Mr Waite described one particularly harrowing moment. ‘I was woken up by a guard carrying an old tea towel. My time’s up I thought. They’ll have put chloroform on it to knock me out so that they could silently do away with me’. Terry continued with his dramatic account. ‘In fact there was an air lock in the central heating system so he actually came in to bleed my radiator. It was much more efficient after that’.

The radiator was discovered by former terrorist guard Abu Libdeh, who recognised the large number of scratches and contacted the former emissary via the popular Middle Eastern website ‘Hostages Reunited’. Mr Waite is having the radiator installed in the bedroom of his flat in Cambridge and arranged for a plumber to fit it last Wednesday, although unfortunately he never turned up. ‘I sat in on my own all day. Just me and the radiator. I wish he hadn’t rung at tea time to say he couldn’t make it. It sort of spoiled the magic.’

See also Sky to launch UK Hostage Channel

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