As with many internet-researched Hitler comparisons, Mobileb2b soon found similarities between the oppression of movie goers and victims of the Third Reich. ‘First they came for the Gameboys and I said nothing,’ wrote Young, in a moving editorial. ‘Next they came for the Nintendos and I said nothing, as I don’t play DX. But finally, they blocked my mobile. I looked around and there was no-one to speak for me. Well one bloke did, but this lady told him to shooosshh.’

Banning mobile phones is the thin end of the wedge as authorities attempt to purge Generation X Factor from cinemas, warned the mobile phone advocate and amateur historian.

‘They won’t just stop at stealing your mobile. Next, there’ll be a ban on slurping kiora. Gurgling ice will be a ‘health and safety’ issue. Then they’ll find an excuse to silence the sweet wrappers. You won’t be able to rummage around in your box of Maltesers, or listen to them rolling them down the aisle,’ he warned, ‘the sound of Maltesers slowing making their way down to the front takes me back to Streatham Odean in 1970. But now Britain seems intent on cutting all links with the past.’

Then Young painted a chilling picture of where Britain might be headed. ‘In some countries, people even eat pop corn with their mouths closed. If we’re not careful, that could happen here,’ he warned.

Young called on Steven Berkof, Mark Kermode, Barry Norman, Shane Meadows, Michael Kennedy (of Kingston University film school), Sir Anthony Hopkins, Kate Gielgud and a well known left wing actor, whose name he couldn’t remember, who always seems to play British baddies in Hollywood blockbusters, to lend their weight to his campaign.

If you are the type of person who might like a silent film, you should be signing this petition for freedom of speech in picture houses, he argued. Young said he will fight he campaign 24X7 and would be delighted to take a call, even from someone like Sir Alan Parker. ‘They can contact me any time. I’m going to be at the BAFTAs and my mobile will be switched on at all times.’

‘I had used this cubicle once before in October and noticed a sign on the door saying ‘Please leave this toilet as you would expect to find it,’ Colin Jefferson told reporters. ‘Unfortunately, on that occasion I was unable to do so, but I decided to make sure the mistake would not reoccur.’

On his return in December, Jefferson said in a statement, he broke the seat with a sledgehammer, shat on the ceiling through a garden sprinkler and wrote his mobile phone number on the wall inviting people to call him for cock fun.

Thus it was police flushed him out.

‘As soon as I heard the Star Trek music, I realised this was the moment I had been waiting for. ‘Safety first on the road’ is my motto, so I always have the earpiece attached. Colleagues have joked because I don’t use it, but who looks stupid now, eh?’

Sadly, in the excitement of answering the call, Mr Tanner knocked off his headset and as he fished for it beneath his seat, drove his car into a lamppost.

‘I didn’t even get a chance to tell the caller that yes, I am very happy with my home insurance deal. Still, I’m sure they’ll call back, and when they do I’ll be ready.’

The company refutes allegations that the model is aimed at inner-city teenagers, claiming instead that it will appeal to fishermen, the under fives and people with small pockets.

Dominic Brady, chair of the knife safety charity ‘Safer Teens About Britain’ said that this claim was unconvincing given that each phone comes with a free Dizzee Rascal brand kebab. He did, on a conciliatory note, add that he would be buying one for each of his children for their own protection.

Rhysickle

DIY enthusiasts can choose between a monthly contract with 200 free texts and 100 minutes surf time bundled in, or a pay-as-you-level top-up option.  The iLevel comes in a wide range fashionable designs and customisable bubbles, available separately from all B&Q stores.

B&Q remain confident that the iLevel will be a hit, despite concerns from safety groups about the dangers of drivers measuring the camber of a road whilst at the wheel.  The DIY chain is also in direct competition with Homebase, who plan to unveil a similar product that can actually be used to make phone calls, next week.

‘She’s had a mobile phone since she was six months old, but she still hasn’t written her first text message,’ they explained. To give her a head start with her communication skills, the couple have avoided talking directly to her, bombarding her with SMS messages instead in the hope that she will pick up the language that way. ‘We’ve sent her picture texts and smiley emoticons but we just feel we are not getting anything back.’

The two year old girl, called K8, is now undergoing a series of psychometric tests and cognative ability checks to ascertain whether her communication issues are part of a wider problem with her intellectual development. ‘K8’s older brother and sister were way ahead of K8 by this age,’ recalls her mother.

Kvn, the eldest of the Easter children wrote his first words aged just 18 months. Natalie recalls how she awoke at 3am to find the message ‘I ve 2 p’ from their first child. His mother then frantically texted ‘omg’ to her husband and the couple exchanged a further series of joyful electronic communications on the subject, and only five minutes later a second message arrived, saying ‘sry 2 L8’.

‘I’d not actually seen him ‘FTF’ since I’d recharged his phone the week before and rushed to his room at which he asked me ‘hu d f R U?’ It was magical. And I’m just not getting anything like that from my daughter. The doctors have tried asking her what’s wrong, and why she is being so unco-operative. But she wouldn’t reply to their MSN messages either.’

See also:
Twelve days after an unanswered text woman accepts relationship may be over

Formally known as ‘Proficiency in Construction and Interpretation of Short Message Service Prose and Grammar’, the course will include a practical exam in which will count towards 50% of the final mark; ‘Kids are already taking their mobiles into their GCSE’s and texting each other all the answers,’ said a spokesman for the Department of Education, ‘This is just heading into the problem.’

The department claimed that this innovation represented a genuine attempt to engage with modern trends in youth culture and was not just an easy way to achieve Government education targets. ‘We’ve had a think-tank looking at this for a while now, it’s time that we introduced a formal qualification in this area before the current standard of texting and text-speak degenerates.’ Although the pass rate is expected to be high, students who fail the course will be notified by text message; U hv fld ur GCSE – soz

If the GCSE Texting is a success, then further new exams will be rolled out in 2009. These include ‘Proficiency in Internet Based Social Interaction’ or ‘Bebo-ing’, and ‘Urban Interaction in the Community’ which is basically ‘Mucking About in Shopping Centres and Calling Any Adult Who Tells You off a Paedo,’

The move has seen some heavy criticism from traditionalists such as University Professor John Sixsmith; ‘Soon we will see thousands of young people with meaningless qualifications that are easy to achieve and have no credibility with employers or academics alike’ said the Head of Media Studies at the University of Bracknell.

Musical history was made this week at the Hammersmith Apollo when a pop fan went to see Lily Allen in concert and kept her mobile phone in her pocket for the entire duration of the show.

While all around her were holding up their camera phones to get a blurred picture of Lily in the distance or were recording the distorted sound of fans singing along, Emma Jenkins opted to simply enjoy the experience in the present moment.

‘I just decided that the sound quality would probably be better on the Lily Allen CD I had at home’ said Emma, 14. ‘And that I could get better photos off the internet, and that the video quality on my little Nokia is on balance not as good as all the stuff on MTV that’s produced by professional video directors.’

Rock journalists believe that the radical stance taken by Emma Jenkins could revolutionize the way fans approach live music. ‘This could herald the beginning of a movement in which people no longer go to gigs solely to record poor quality snippets to enjoy later,’ said Matt Koenig of the NME. ‘People will have to find another reason to go along and see live bands, though don’t ask me what on earth that might be.’

But for the time being Emma Jenkins remains something of a novelty. So much so that half way through Monday’s concert, music fans stopped pointing their phones at the distant stage and started to recording Emma’s strange behaviour to forward to their friends. ‘So I didn’t actually see what she was doing…’ admitted Matt Koenig ‘I was too busy fiddling with my phone, to try and capture the moment for later…’