‘Both of these practices promote a sexualisation of the unborn,’ said Eunice Showalter of the Society for the Protection of Embryonic Rights Movement (SPERM). ‘Images of naked foetuses are being casually passed around by pregnant women wearing inappropriate underwear in places like wine bars, in the workplace via mobile phones and even posted on the internet. Imagine if these images ended up in the hands of foetophiles.’

High-street clothing giant Primark has reacted to the campaign by putting on hold its new range of clothing for foetuses.

Dick Everyman

The presigious award given by the Institute’s elders’ panel is normally given to a member of the prestigious Wentworth Golf Club where the event was held, and previous recipients have included Bruce Forsyth and Ronnie Corbett, but for the first time in 2010 the award was given to Hackney gang leader Dizzie Marcus for his services to drug dealing and drive-by shootings.

Accepting the award at the clubhouse dining room, the surprised Dizzie expressed his thanks for the kind gift of a crystal decanter and confirmed that ‘He ain’t acceptin no shit’ to the warm applause of the assembled panel as small dry sherries were raised by the members of the Institute.

‘We decided that it woz time to look beyond the boundaries of Virginia Water to find our champion for 2010, after all the previous recipients are all terribly nice but they haz no street creds and are shit at break dancin’ said the Hon Marjorie Atwell ‘And I iz determined to make sure that no regular white guy woz given the bling on my watch.’

The Institute remained tight-lipped on who might be awarded ‘Bitch slapper of the year’ but Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood and former footballer Lee Chapman were ruled-out by the panel as ‘They ain’t slapped no hoes’ and were therefore ineligible to be included in the vote.

However the annual event was marred by the resurgence of the turf war between the Virginia Water W.I. and the Sunningdale Mothers’ Union. Knives and Uzi pistols were brandished as the two gangs faced one another across the clubhouse dining room, and fatalities were only avoided when it was pointed out to the ladies that they may not brandish machetes in the club house on a week day unless they have been signed in by their husbands. ‘I iz like totally sorry. I feels like I iz shamed my brethren.’

The first of these shoddily filmed direct to camera messages to be released was from 68-year-old mother of married only child Martin Sullivan who suggests, without providing substantive evidence, a number of career and possibly romantic possibilities she gave up to provide Sullivan’s father with a son, and that son with properly ironed school shirts and his favourite teas.

In traumatic scenes the radical mum then shocked viewers with a graphically gynaecological account of the complications involved in Martin Sullivan’s birth and the location of the dozen stitches subsequently required, before mentioning that she’d heard that he’d been to visit his wife’s parents again last weekend, and how it must be lovely for them to see each other so often.

Whether a viable threat to Western civilisation’s status quo would emerge following the spate of martyrdom videos was left unclear however, as further video statements began to filter in. The follow-up messages — which mainly appear to have been inadvertently recorded over footage of emotionally significant family weddings — feature fathers, insisting that the mothers meant well, and that it was just a difficult time for them, ‘what with, y’know, all that women’s stuff’ before blushing slightly and heading off to work on an ongoing DIY project in the garage.

 18 November 2009