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Posts Tagged ‘MP’

David Tredinnick MP: ‘The NHS can be rescued by rubbing a big crystal on it’

cures cancer as well, apparentlyTory MP and crystal skull-lover David Tredinnick set out his vision today for the future of the NHS. These reforms will include the pre-emptive treatment of all individuals born under the sign of Cancer with aggressive chemotherapy and Reiki massage. ‘Every child born between the dates June 22nd –July 22nd will be administered potent chemotherapeutic agents from the age of six onwards’, announced Mr Tredinnick. “We also know that these individuals are not only at risk of developing malignant disease, but that they are also prone to contracting pubic crabs, so we will advise these individuals to pair up with Virgos, who almost never develop this condition’.

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Posted: Feb 27th, 2015
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Malcolm Rifkind launches ‘MP Relief’

Malcolm Rifkind has launched the first charity appeal designed to raise money for impoverished MPs. ‘I’m passionate about this cause,’ he says, ‘Many MPs are currently sleeping on benches. Green ones, all day.’

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Posted: Feb 25th, 2015
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Pavements to be made from mulch

‘Dog ends, ciggy packets, vomit and, of course, copious dog shit, that’s what the public thinks is suitable for leaving on the pavement,’ said the newly appointed Pavements Minister, Sebastian Fanshaw MP. ‘And no pavement has seen a sweeper in years, so no wonder we’re constantly slipping on part-composted crap.’

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Posted: Sep 23rd, 2014
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Nonces ‘appalled’ by allegations that some might be MPs

‘I haven’t been able to sleep since these allegations started. What will my family think of me? I can’t leave my own home – kids have painted ‘MP scum’ on my front door.

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Posted: Jul 21st, 2014
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Campaigners call for national register of MPs

'We need protecting from these people'Research suggests at least 646 MPs are operating in the UK, causing many to worry that political activity could be happening on their doorsteps.

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Posted: Jul 8th, 2014
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