‘It’s so unfair,’ huffed one MP, who wished to remain anonymous. ‘At this rate I’ll still be paying off the mortgage on my third house in 30 years time. This isn’t what I stood for when I became an MP. The problem is they keep changing the rules – you just can’t trust the electorate to deliver what they promise.’

With the police on hand to keep order the protests passed off peacefully, though things did threaten to turn ugly when Ann Widdecombe arrived.

 Alixir

‘This only came to light last week,’ said speaker John Bercow . ‘Someone sat down next to Graham Allen MP and accidentally stabbed him in the leg with a biro. Instead of crying out in pain, the Nottingham North MP made a loud bang and flew off all round the Commons. All that was left of him was a shrivelled up piece of rubber.’

The ‘inflatagate’ scandal has now been referred to the Commons watchdog, but Bercow is not confident they will do much. ‘When I presented them with the evidence, they didn’t even say anything. They just smiled at me with fixed grins and bobbed up and down in their chairs.’

Basil_B

'Housing benefit times two, please'

The senior civil servant in charge of the Department for Work and Pensions has warned that the country’s benefits system is in danger of collapse as ex-MPs struggle to find employment outside Westminster and have to turn to state handouts.

‘After losing their lucrative directorships and expense accounts, Jobseekers’ Allowance is not going to satisfy these former MPs,’ said Leigh Lewis. ‘Recent events have shown just how adept these people are at submitting claims, and trust me – having created the system, they really do know how to play it.’

‘In terms of abuse, we’re not talking about a few minor fiddles here. This will be akin to a coach load of Catholic priests running amok at an international choirboy convention organised by Haringey Council. And like those choirboys, this abuse is likely to bring the country to its knees.’

You can't blame him. Again.

There was more bad news for former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith in the early hours of this morning when she returned home from losing her Parliamentary seat in Redditch to find her husband in front of the TV with his trousers round his ankles.

‘I can’t believe it,’ she fumed. ‘While I was out there receiving a real bashing at the polls, Richard was at home doing exactly the same thing.’

Jacqui Smith’s husband later issued a public apology in which he said he regretted his actions, but maintained that if the BBC persisted in showing coverage of Emily Maitlis throughout the night, they were asking for trouble.

Mrs Smith offered no comment to the media this morning as she was busy checking the expenses rules on carpet stains and flipping.

In memory of those fallen beneath contempt

In a moving and solemn ceremony at Admiralty Arch today, military leaders read out the names of the country’s MPs who had overclaimed expenses during 2009.

‘We didn’t think the list would ever end,’ said a tearful Major General Nick Carter.  ’First there was the Prime Minister himself with £12,415 for gardening and cleaning, then Sir Peter Viggers with £1,645 for a duck house.  By the time we got to Lord Mandelson’s £800 for tree surgery some three hours later, we all had a lump in our throat.’

However veterans pointed out that MPs were still being sent into frontline Parliamentary duty poorly equipped.  ‘These people are putting their reputations on the line for their country, and the least we can do is give them the equipment to do the job.  MPs are being forced to lay out their own hard-earned cash on essentials like bath plugs and toilet seats, and then live in hope it’ll be paid back later.  It’s a disgrace.’

Absence made the wrist grow stronger

The husband of former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has been told that on this occasion, and bearing in mind the attractiveness of both parties to the marriage, his claim for watching porn films has been deemed allowable.  However, the inquiry has ruled that Richard Timney’s claim for six large boxes of tissues must be repaid after being deemed ‘excessive’, even when accepting that the films in question were ‘absolute belters’.

Timney had originally asserted that the tissues were purchased when he became the first UK victim of swine flu in early 2009, but was then forced to change his explanation to an alternative biological condition – a shameful practice known as ‘flipping’.

Mrs Smith has vehemently denied she knew of her husband’s fondness for watching porn, and maintains that when he told her each night he was going downstairs to ‘knock one out,’ he was referring to the paparazzi outside.

gjstrac63

‘It’s absurd that they get so long off,’ said Alan Duncan’s father today.  ‘It’s not even August but already it seems like weeks ago that the Speaker let them take games in on the last day of term.  All Alan’s doing is sitting around the house watching repeats on the Parliament Channel and getting under my feet.  I keep telling him to go and get a job, but he just laughs at me.’

Members of the public have also reported concern at the return of MPs to their constituencies.  ‘The problem is the lack of facilities which means they’ve got nothing to do,’ said one of Ann Widdecombe’s constituents today.  ‘You see them hanging around on street corners, and it’s scary.  All you’ve got to do is look at them in the wrong way and they’ll have you there for hours going on about how they shouldn’t all be tarred with the same brush.  The community is living in fear.’

But for some MPs’ parents the summer holidays isn’t all bad news. Tony McNulty’s mum and dad are said to be delighted that recess will allow their son to move out and return to the North London constituency home which he can’t get to when Parliament is sitting due to the prohibitive commute.  And Alistair Darling’s parents have wasted no time in packing him off to Camp Westminster for the summer in the hope that some extra tuition will mean he isn’t held back a few years come the next election.  Those close to Gordon Brown have suggested he may also be joining his Chancellor following his embarrassing showing at sports day when he couldn’t even win the sack race.

However, for the majority of parents dreading being stuck at home with their MP all summer, there was some further bad news today as the Chief Medical Officer admitted that it may be necessary to keep Parliament closed come October to curb the spread of swine flu.  ‘It’s a last resort, but we may need to tell Ministers to stay at home if we’re to have any hope of managing this virus.  In fact, it’s probably also best if they avoid people and public places,’ he added, ‘at least until we can develop a vaccine.’

(Hat-tip to Stan Laurel)

The move has not been entirely welcomed however, with William Hague reportedly wary of plans for the Tory front bench to wear the names of key sponsors on baseball caps, and an angry voter confronted Gordon Brown, asking how he can sleep at night. A Number 10 spokesman insisted PM had no trouble at all, ‘thanks to the good people at Dreams’.