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Posts Tagged ‘MPs’

New laws to tell people if they are living next to a suspected politician ‘will not lead to vigilante attacks’

The Government has today sought to reassure the public that their controversial plans to help parents identify political animals – the so-called ‘David Laws’ – will not lead to unprovoked attacks on innocent people.

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Posted: Aug 10th, 2015
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MPs’ parents ‘dreading the summer holidays’

October 'can't come too soon'‘It’s absurd that they get so long off,’ said Alan Duncan’s father.

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Posted: Jul 24th, 2015
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MPs to wear sackcloth and ashes in penance for pay rise

With outrage over their proposed 10% pay rise growing daily, Britain’s MPs have reached a cross-party consensus to wear coarse, ill-fitting sackcloth tunics and cover their heads with ash, in an effort to show due contrition for their £74,000 annual salary.

‘Considering that members of the public would be lucky if they got even a 1% pay rise, it is important for us to assure our constituents that we are receiving our inflation-busting increase with extreme reluctance’ Parliamentary Standards Commissioner Derek Corbright told a packed House today. ‘Publicly debasing ourselves as we pocket our bulging pay packets will go a long way to assuage the anger of those hard-pressed families as they struggle on the breadline without the benefits of a second home or a seat on the board of a multinational corporation.’

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Posted: Jul 18th, 2015
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Cameron claims his threat to disembowel anyone voting no ‘was misinterpreted’

‘I was misinterpreted,’ insisted the Prime Minister today regarding his statement that ‘any Conservative MP who dares to vote to leave the EU will have their stomach pulled out through their throat and reinserted up their bumhole.’

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Posted: Jun 9th, 2015
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Scottish Labour MPs ‘near extinction’, captive breeding program proposed

'Just lie back and think of Scottish Labour'Fears are growing for the Scottish Labour MP after a recent report suggests there may be only a single individual left in the wild. Experts have proposed a captive breeding program at Edinburgh Zoo to help increase their numbers for eventual release.

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Posted: May 8th, 2015
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