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Posts Tagged ‘MPs’

Child abuse evidence is prone to combustion

Investigating officers have discovered a direct link between accusations of historical abuse and the occurrence of witness testimony magically disappearing into a puff of smoke. This comes in the week that the very same Abuse Inquiry ‘accidentally’ deleted a month’s worth of statements, while simultaneously transforming incriminating photos into ‘a bunch of flowers’.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan police said: ‘There is nothing suspicious in the fact that countless witnesses, their evidence and crime scenes have been burnt to a cinder…

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Posted: Oct 24th, 2015
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New laws to tell people if they are living next to a suspected politician ‘will not lead to vigilante attacks’

The Government has today sought to reassure the public that their controversial plans to help parents identify political animals – the so-called ‘David Laws’ – will not lead to unprovoked attacks on innocent people.

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Posted: Aug 10th, 2015
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MPs’ parents ‘dreading the summer holidays’

October 'can't come too soon'‘It’s absurd that they get so long off,’ said Alan Duncan’s father.

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Posted: Jul 24th, 2015
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MPs to wear sackcloth and ashes in penance for pay rise

With outrage over their proposed 10% pay rise growing daily, Britain’s MPs have reached a cross-party consensus to wear coarse, ill-fitting sackcloth tunics and cover their heads with ash, in an effort to show due contrition for their £74,000 annual salary.

‘Considering that members of the public would be lucky if they got even a 1% pay rise, it is important for us to assure our constituents that we are receiving our inflation-busting increase with extreme reluctance’ Parliamentary Standards Commissioner Derek Corbright told a packed House today. ‘Publicly debasing ourselves as we pocket our bulging pay packets will go a long way to assuage the anger of those hard-pressed families as they struggle on the breadline without the benefits of a second home or a seat on the board of a multinational corporation.’

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Posted: Jul 18th, 2015
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Cameron claims his threat to disembowel anyone voting no ‘was misinterpreted’

‘I was misinterpreted,’ insisted the Prime Minister today regarding his statement that ‘any Conservative MP who dares to vote to leave the EU will have their stomach pulled out through their throat and reinserted up their bumhole.’

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Posted: Jun 9th, 2015
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