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Posts Tagged ‘MRSA’

Ebola to take on MRSA in world title showdown

It’s the bout everyone’s been waiting for: Ebola ‘The Kidney Musher’ versus Britain’s very own home-grown bacterium, MRSA ‘The Superbug’. The two contenders are to meet in 16 days’ time at Mid Staffordshire Hospital or whatever it’s called by then, to fight for the undisputed title of the world’s baddest disease. And, predictably, the macho boasting has begun already.

‘Ebola’s going down,’ said MRSA’s promoter Mickey ‘The Regional Health Contractor’ Fillery. ‘The NHS won’t suit it. By the time we’ve finished with it, Ebola won’t even know what its host species is.’ However, Ebola said that it had ‘plenty of ways of getting inside your defences. You’re going to need more than a doctor after what Ebola does to you, people of Britain’.

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Posted: Oct 23rd, 2014
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Britain’s toilet seat makers celebrate yet another germ comparison study triumph

Britain’s toilet seat makers were cock a hoop last night after ‘cleaning up’ in yet another bacteria benchmark.

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Posted: Jun 7th, 2013
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Experts still undecided on this year’s health scare

best to hide until whatever it is goes awayThe World Health Organisation has called together the planet’s leading medical scientists for a crisis conference, after admitting that they had yet to agree upon this year’s global health scare.

‘We may have a disaster on our hands.’ confessed Dr Paul Nunn of the WHO, writing in The Lancet. ‘The world could be without a major epidemic to fret about next winter. That would be unthinkable, leaving most of us with no media interviews, lucrative consultancies or entertainment from drug companies. We simply can‘t let that happen and we must protect ourselves, and, er, the population as a whole from the dire consequences.’

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Posted: May 21st, 2010
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Hospital bugs ‘are being neglected’

the treatment has been appalling.National Health bosses are on the defensive today following a series of damaging exposés about the treatment of bugs at NHS hospitals. Ever since the damning tale of a Staphylococcus cluster being left to die on a hospital bedpan hit the headlines, newspapers have been full harrowing testimonies from viruses, fungi, prions and protozoa, all desperate to share their story.

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Posted: Jun 24th, 2009
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NHS introduces seating charges for visitors

Have you paid and displayed?After the success of NHS hospitals charging patients and visitors for the use of their first-rate car parking facilities, Health Secretary Alan Johnson has unveiled exciting new plans to introduce fees for using seats in hospital waiting areas.

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Posted: Apr 24th, 2009
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