‘We may have a disaster on our hands.’ confessed Dr Paul Nunn of the WHO, writing in The Lancet. ‘The world could be without a major epidemic to fret about next winter. That would be unthinkable, leaving most of us with no media interviews, lucrative consultancies or entertainment from drug companies. We simply can‘t let that happen and we must protect ourselves, and, er, the population as a whole from the dire consequences.’

The nub of the problem is that there is no outstanding candidate for next season’s health crisis. Whilst the influenza virus is always a trusty standby, officials feel that swine ‘flu getting its second wind or a resurgence of SARS would be difficult to sell to a public which has become increasingly sceptical after a decade of unfulfilled pandemic panics since Y2K. Dr. Nunn admitted that he was rather keen on a super bug scare this year, perhaps linked to MRSA, whilst others were keen on developing a theory that obesity was caused by a virus found only in burgers and other foods eaten by fat people.

In an attempt to calm growing anxiety, Dr Neil Shrivan from New York’s Yeshiva University assured reporters at a press conference that researchers were well under way on developing this year’s frenzy of fear but he refused to reveal anything beyond saying that the disease was going to be ‘very nasty indeed.’

A spokesman for GlaxoSmithKline, the pharmaceutical giant, said last night. ‘We are watching developments closely. Obviously we don’t want the WHO to go for swine flu again as every government has stockpiled enough of the vaccine to treat everyone ten times over.’ The spokesman paused and added in a low voice, ‘Of course there is always the ‘new strain’ option. We believe momentum is building behind the concept of the swine and bird flu viruses forming a coalition. Pigs really might fly…’

Primary Care Trusts have strenuously denied allegations of bug ill-treatment after routine inspections found that many bugs brought into hospital were either being ignored or were not receiving proper attention. Many had been found languishing in corridors, bathrooms and cupboards, with one Pseudomonas bacterium being left unattended on a hospital trolley for four days.

Private hospitals have also come under fire, facing accusations of elitism with certain strains of virus being given special treatment. Nurses at one Harley Street clinic are said to have neglected ‘old fashioned’ viruses in favour of more upmarket infections such as MRSA. One complainant, who wished to be known only as ‘the shits’ told how it was systematically neglected while staff concentrated on an Eton-educated A/H1N1 swine flu bug in the next bed.

As increasing numbers of bugs come forward to complain about being ‘over worked and under sprayed’, details are emerging of an even more controversial issue: the active extermination of bacteria and viruses in hospitals. One whistleblower, a former infection control link nurse, has told of how E coli, ESBL, Legionella and Clostridium Difficile bugs are being routinely eliminated in medical establishments across the country.

NHS chiefs have defended this ‘security measure’, claiming that attacks by infections on staff and patients alike are on the increase and that the bugs must therefore be dealt with. Hospital managers have in turn blamed the government, who, by not giving extra funding to cash-strapped primary care trusts, have been accused of ‘washing their hands of the issue’.

jp1885 with thanks to (deep breath) Wallybrain, Vandella, Seamus Nottrew, JayGee, Stan Laurel and callaway, for their suggestions.

jp1885

Have you paid and displayed?

After the success of NHS hospitals charging patients and visitors for the use of their first-rate car parking facilities, Health Secretary Alan Johnson has unveiled exciting new plans to introduce fees for using seats in hospital waiting areas.  The scheme includes a number of attractive options for visitors including off-peak seating, ‘Ward-Hoppers’ for relatives of patients in an unstable condition, and a number of great day-out packages like ‘Kids-for-a-Quid’ and ‘Economy Deckchair Class’.  Regular visitors will also be able to collect loyalty points redeemable against future hours spent anxiously waiting to hear if a loved one pulled through.  Mr Johnson added that in keeping with the principle of the NHS being free at the point of delivery, the contraction of MRSA during routine visits will remain free.

paulo