While Mumsnet cautiously welcomed the acknowledgement of mothers’ contribution, they were quick to campaign for improved working conditions for mums. ‘Mothers should be entitled to the same basic rights as any other British worker,’ said a spokeswoman while whipping up a batch of marshmallow squares for Mufti day. ‘We insist that mums are given proper training, regular breaks, paid holiday and proper recompense for the massive service they are – WILL YOU DO YOUR WEE-WEES ON THE POTTY CAMERON – providing society.’

But others have been less enthusiastic about the move and several thousand adolescents have launched a class action against what they perceive to be incompetent mothering, citing ‘injustice’, ‘unreasonable behaviour’ and ‘terminal twattery’ as the reasons behind their complaint. Protests from disgruntled mothers are expected to be widespread, albeit during school hours, with a brief break at lunchtime to put the drying on.

But Mr Grayling insists he will persevere with the strategy, branching out to other overlooked occupations. ‘We now realise that there were many professions we could be discounting from the figures,’ he said. ‘From now on Jobsworths, professional arseholes and career wankers will no longer be considered unemployed. Although in fairness, most had already declared that they were working in the Cabinet.’

Perks (with a hat-tip to WaylandSmithy)

But Paul was struggling for inspiration until in a break during Coronation Street his prayers were answered when he saw an advert for ‘Beautiful’ by Calvin Klein, which described the new fragrance as ‘the perfect gift for mother’s day’. ‘I was delighted,’ said Paul. ‘I could now make amends for the previous year’s mishap with not just a good gift, but a perfect gift.’

Paul headed out to the shops the following day, picked up the perfume and even splashed out the extra £1 to have it gift wrapped. He was all set with two weeks to spare, but then when he went out to get some lunch disaster struck.

‘I was feeling pretty good about myself,’ said Paul, ‘but then I saw a poster advertising Made in Dagenham on DVD as ‘the perfect gift for mother’s day’. How could that be? Suddenly I was confused as to which one actually was the perfect gift, and not wanting to drop myself in trouble for the second year running, I thought I’d better buy that too.’

Things soon went from bad to worse as Paul saw several other adverts and posters for various products all claiming to be the perfect gift. As of yesterday he had purchased 41 different fragrances, 37 DVDs and 35 books, the entire contents of a branch of Thorntons and a white-water rafting gift experience, at a total cost of just over £4,000.

Paul has now shut himself in his bedroom and is refusing to watch TV, listen to the radio or leave the house, and is questioning the veracity of the advertisers’ claims. ‘They can’t all be perfect,’ reasoned Paul. ‘I mean, if the rapids don’t kill her, the diabetes will. Next year I think I’ll just hire someone to do the laundry.’

His mother meanwhile is waiting to see if she gets Just Dance 2 for the Wii, which she has been dropping hints about for weeks.

Vertically Challenged Giant

The first of these shoddily filmed direct to camera messages to be released was from 68-year-old mother of married only child Martin Sullivan who suggests, without providing substantive evidence, a number of career and possibly romantic possibilities she gave up to provide Sullivan’s father with a son, and that son with properly ironed school shirts and his favourite teas.

In traumatic scenes the radical mum then shocked viewers with a graphically gynaecological account of the complications involved in Martin Sullivan’s birth and the location of the dozen stitches subsequently required, before mentioning that she’d heard that he’d been to visit his wife’s parents again last weekend, and how it must be lovely for them to see each other so often.

Whether a viable threat to Western civilisation’s status quo would emerge following the spate of martyrdom videos was left unclear however, as further video statements began to filter in. The follow-up messages — which mainly appear to have been inadvertently recorded over footage of emotionally significant family weddings — feature fathers, insisting that the mothers meant well, and that it was just a difficult time for them, ‘what with, y’know, all that women’s stuff’ before blushing slightly and heading off to work on an ongoing DIY project in the garage.

 18 November 2009

The coveted ‘World’s Number 1 Mum’ award is in crisis this weekend as a huge surge in cheap imitation awards has been discovered in gift shops around the globe. The highly respected annual award is an international honour on a par with the Nobel Peace Prize or the Pulitzer, is bestowed upon the mother who is judged by the esteemed committee to be the best mother in the whole wide world. The mother is selected from a shortlist of two billion.

Each year the trophy itself differs, having previously been presented in the form of a mug, a key ring, a card, a photo frame, a baggy T-shirt or a cushion. However the recent spate of ‘knock-off’ awards, unofficial copies mass-produced by rogue manufacturers has damaged the award’s reputation. ‘Many no longer realise that we are a highly respected international jury’ said the awards committee chairman Lord Bragg. ‘So many people have been presenting their mother with one of these cheap, low quality forgeries that the real award has lost its kudos.’

Indeed last year, when the award was given to a Jackie Hunt, she had already received two ‘fakes’ from her children and was unaware of the status of the official prize. Although she was pleased to accept the certificate and ‘World’s No. 1 Mum’ teddy, Lord Bragg believes that she wasn’t that bothered. ‘Most mothers seem more pleased that their children appreciate them. I’ve heard one winner say that the official award wasn’t as special as the one that her son got at the petrol station.’

Lord Bragg refused to divulge the winner of this year’s award, although it is believed a Mrs Hilary Hennell is very high on the list. ‘That’s saved me the cost of a card’ said her son.