‘Some of these songs have been used at Guantanamo Bay to torture prisoners. It’s chilling to think that Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep and Tie a Yellow Ribbon were initially tested on British teenagers, whose immune systems were already weakened by Findus Crispy Pancakes and cauliflower cheese.’
Posted: Jul 5th, 2014
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Fans of unsanitary fields of muck descended on Worthy Farm in their thousands today for the annual Glastonbury Festival, uninhibited by gloomy forecasts of performances by Dolly Parton, Lily Allen, Arcade Fire and Metallica. The Glastonbury Festival has long been the premier destination for aficionados of mud, and those who just want to ‘open their minds’ to new and challenging types of flooding.
This year’s festival promises a stellar line-up of waterlogged fields, fetid toilets and poor amenities. However, forecasters have predicted spates of shoegazing indie rock, unmitigating showers of experimental electronica, and a deluge of country & western scheduled for Sunday night. Revellers have also been warned to come prepared for outbursts of circus skills, poetry, theatre and comedy.
Posted: Jun 26th, 2014
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For the first time ever, alongside streaming services, teenagers emitting ultrasonic squeals of delight will be used in calculating album and singles sales. Pant-wetting, fainting and ‘excitement-induced fainting’ will also form part of a complicated algorithm designed to measure contemporary trends. No longer will music journalists have to consult with dogs as to which high-pitched noise belongs to Beliebers, Directioners or ‘a guy shepherding sheep’.
While tinnitus remains the industry-standard format with which to experience the Top 40, many see the acceptance of screams as an important step in acknowledging the popularity of more obscure tunes.
Posted: Jun 23rd, 2014
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Veterans, historians and girls with retainers are united today in marking 1D-Day a day of remembrance for ‘our boys’ struggle to overcome lacklustre hair, no musical ability and the Nazi occupation of France. Former groupies, internet trolls and serving members of the armed forces all paid their respect for the loss of melodies, the death of legible tattoos and remembered just how many ears had paid the ultimate sacrifice.
Posted: Jun 5th, 2014
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Vladimir Putin has confirmed that Russia is preparing to ‘annex the Eurovision Song Contest’ if the country fails to win this evening. Russian choirs are reported to be massing around Copenhagen, with reported manoeuvres to out-sing Ukraine contestants and ‘their Western counter tenor backers’.
Posted: May 10th, 2014
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