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Posts Tagged ‘news parody’

Criminals asked to push themselves down the stairs by ‘over-worked’ police

Goodbye, Goodbye, GoodbyeAn inspection of police forces in England and Wales has reported that crime suspects are being asked to racially abuse themselves, plant their own incriminating evidence, and if the police are really busy, push themselves down the stairs on the way to the holding cells.

Offenders everywhere are protesting at further degradation to an already limited service. ‘Really, service is parlous,’ complained career criminal, Cecil ‘Nutter’ Smythe, from Gosport. ‘It is almost as if the police aren’t there. How are we supposed to rest easy knowing that some activities such as car crime are being effectively decriminalised?’

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Posted: Sep 5th, 2014
More from UK News



Olympic legacy under fire for lack of inner city dressage facilities

‘The Olympics were supposed to inspire a generation’, says Hackney youth worker Doreen Phillips, ‘yet our inner cities are still lacking even the most basic equestrian facilities. I work with underprivileged kids who are crying out for a sense of purpose and belonging, and that could be easily provided by forcing horses to dance.’

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Posted: Sep 5th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Tinky Winky to join Eastenders cast in desperate bid to boost ratings

Dipsy, La-la and Po-Face already in the regular castThe BBC has revealed that former Teletubbies favourite Tinky Winky is to join the cast of flagship soap opera Eastenders later this year.

Critics have been calling for the Beeb to take action following a long term slump in viewing figures. ‘I’m sure it’s no coincidence that Mr Winky is a former CBeebies stalwart,’ suggested The Guardian’s TV critic Andrew Collins. ‘Many younger viewers will have fond memories of him in classic Teletubbies episodes such as the one where they all roll down a hill and the one when they find a bouncy ball.’

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Posted: Sep 4th, 2014
More from Arts/Entertainment



Parliament rushes through soccer-style January UKIP transfer window

Nigel Farage was today sensationally wrong-footed as the UK parliament passed legislation to only allow defections from the main political parties to UKIP during the same timeframes as current English football transfer windows.

As the next football transfer window is from 1-31 January next year, UKIP defections will only be allowed during the same period.

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Posted: Sep 4th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Government raises UK bullshit threat level to ‘severe’

The UK’s bullshit threat level has been raised from ‘substantial’ to ‘severe’ meaning that the possibility of impending bullshit is highly likely.

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Posted: Sep 3rd, 2014
More from News In Brief