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Posts Tagged ‘news satire’

Miliband to acquire white van and visible bumcrack

‘As it goes I favour the Transit, long wheelbase. It’s a classic innit. None of your foreign shite, Renault or whatever, as driven by some Latvian with a PHd in Economics, a thriving decorating business in Chigwell and a brother on benefits and probably out grooming or dogging most nights. Send ‘em back where they belong, is what I say, subject to the Human Rights Act and existing EU Legislation and the employment needs of a newly recovering economy.’

Mr Miliband was speaking to reporters in the wake of the Rochester by election. ‘Let’s get this straight, I’m yer ordinary Lidl or Aldi shopper in the street, wiv like a young family, a 3 bed Wimpey without offstreet parking, and, OK, a former teaching post at Harvard. But could you get a decent pint there? Could you not! But that’s all behind me. From now till the general wosname, I’ll be travelling the length and breadth in the (sic) Transit, listening to what voters are really concerned about, eating chips, drinking beer and quoting for the odd bit of kitchen fitting, innit. An’ kipping in the back.

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Posted: Nov 21st, 2014
More from Politics



Online recruitment specialists announce new service for former convicted rapists

Online jobsite Monster.co.uk has announced the launch of a brand new recruitment site for former convicted rapists – Monster.co.uk/jobsforrapists.

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Posted: Nov 21st, 2014
More from News In Brief



Nicola Sturgeon vows ‘No more fishy surnames’

Scotland’s new first minister, Nicola Sturgeon, has vowed that she will not be continuing the practice of selecting senior SNP positions based on how fishy their surname is. Her announcement is widely seen as an attempt to distance herself from her predecessor, Alex Salmon.

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Posted: Nov 21st, 2014
More from News In Brief



Government urged to pass law stopping Poles from going home

Polish people will be returned to their jobs as plumbers, builders and waitresses.

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Posted: Nov 21st, 2014
More from From The Archives



Men relish denouncing 1970s sexism while still repeatedly saying ‘tits’

Deep, meaningful, respectful, thoughtful, pert observation somewhere round hereShocking revelations about how senior figures from the world of entertainment got away with sexual harassment, combined with an unlimited appetite for instant nostalgia among those who grew up with Spangles and Raleigh Choppers, are creating an ideal situation for middle-aged men. For those who get paid to pass sardonic comment on long-forgotten sitcoms where ‘dirty old men’ leered at ‘dolly birds’, it is better still.

‘Incredible,’ said David Baddiel, after watching an episode of The Professionals in which Bodie calmly fished a grenade out of a screaming Pamela Stephenson’s top. ‘Not only did they think it’s OK to have him rip her thin blouse wide open and slap her face to calm her down, they also have her look up at him doe-eyed and grateful for casually brushing the residue off her tits afterwards. Rescuing a woman, however heroically, does not automatically entitle you to touch her tits. Shocking.’

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Posted: Nov 20th, 2014
More from Arts/Entertainment