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Cameron: ‘We will still provide paracetamol for cancer patients’

‘Cancer treatment is my number one priority, after Ebola treatment, unless that nurse is getting better, in which case cancer treatment, or at least the cancers that are treatable, you know, the ones that probably go away after a while anyway, are my highest priority…’

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Posted: Jan 15th, 2015
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Islamic State tweets ‘haters gonna hate’

Hacking into the US military’s Centcom account, hackers working for IS have sent a clear message to the world that ‘Harry Styles is lush’. Using social media, the terrorist organisation has spelt out their commitment to a Middle Eastern caliphate, a continued reign of violence and ‘the spamming of lol catz’.

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Posted: Jan 14th, 2015
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Man who shook hands with Sepp Blatter apologises ‘for causing offence’

a simple gesture of respect and reconciliation, leaving the other hand free to accept cashA man who yesterday shook hands with embattled FIFA president Sepp Blatter has sought to downplay the significance of his actions and apologise for any offence he may have caused.

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Posted: Nov 25th, 2014
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Benedict Cumberbatch to win/star in everything and marry your wife

Benedict Cumberbatch is to run the whole world, after appearing in all television programmes and securing world peace, it has emerged.

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Posted: Nov 6th, 2014
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Tim Cook: Proud to be gay, not proud of iTunes

'discrimination against Windows is wrong!'Apple’s CEO has given his support to alternate sexualities but refused to endorse any music player that refuses to sync with other devices. A spokesman for the global corporation admitted: ‘We need to be tolerant of all MP3 players regardless of brand. As a market leader we need to be more accepting of others – even if Windows Media Player is a crime against nature’.

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Posted: Oct 31st, 2014
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