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Posts Tagged ‘news’

Stephen Hawking: ‘There are no Universal Credits’

‘Universal Credits exist only in the mind of IDS and have no place in the rational universe as we know it.’

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Posted: Jan 29th, 2014
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Bulgarian and Romanian immigrants read Daily Mail and head back home

‘According to the front page of the Daily Mail, I was only coming to the UK to take advantage of the NHS and sponge off the benefits system. A quick flick to page 2 and it seems I am actually going to steal everyone’s job.’

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Posted: Dec 31st, 2013
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Druids working round the clock to restore ley lines

Druids pledging to get it right any day nowThe council of British Druids have been working through the night to restore ley lines which have been damaged by recent storms. Many households have been without spiritual energy throughout the Yuletide holiday which has affected psychic connections in many parts of the country.

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Posted: Dec 30th, 2013
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Power companies reduce Christmas bills by cutting off power

‘Normally, we spend a fortune on heating, lighting and TV but all that’s been saved by this brilliant initiative.’

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Posted: Dec 30th, 2013
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‘And that’s why I don’t bother voting anymore’ explains John from Accounts

Office workers in Reading learned of co-worker John Hunter’s reasons for not exercising his democratic right to vote anymore yesterday, during an extensive lecture during their lunch break.

The twenty-seven minute diatribe about ‘The good old days’ with frequent references to how ‘People had respect for each other’ included repeated claims that ‘You didn’t lock your front doors, because you didn’t need to’. At one point John seemingly lost his focus and digressed into details about how ‘I remember when this was all fields’ before returning to the subject in hand and explaining ‘There was none of this Health and Safety nonsense either’.

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Posted: Dec 15th, 2013
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