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Posts Tagged ‘news’

New tech allows ‘blood sucking bankers’ to upgrade from metaphor to fact

Barclays’ business customers will now be able to log on by scanning the unique pattern of their veins; or as one banker described it as ‘…the fast track to their life essence’. Slumbering in their coffins by day, Barclays’ employees will now visit savers in their homes at twilight but only if the customer has signed a waver ‘inviting them in’, ‘banning the use of garlic’ and to avoid all reference to ‘PPIs’.

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Posted: Sep 6th, 2014
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24-hour ceasefire announced in Gaza to celebrate Prince George’s 1st birthday

‘Even though we have lost 600 of our people in 14 days nothing raises the spirits like a royal occasion, if only for a few hours before the slaughter starts again.’

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Posted: Jul 22nd, 2014
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Stephen Hawking: ‘There are no Universal Credits’

‘Universal Credits exist only in the mind of IDS and have no place in the rational universe as we know it.’

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Posted: Jan 29th, 2014
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Bulgarian and Romanian immigrants read Daily Mail and head back home

‘According to the front page of the Daily Mail, I was only coming to the UK to take advantage of the NHS and sponge off the benefits system. A quick flick to page 2 and it seems I am actually going to steal everyone’s job.’

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Posted: Dec 31st, 2013
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Druids working round the clock to restore ley lines

Druids pledging to get it right any day nowThe council of British Druids have been working through the night to restore ley lines which have been damaged by recent storms. Many households have been without spiritual energy throughout the Yuletide holiday which has affected psychic connections in many parts of the country.

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Posted: Dec 30th, 2013
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