Prime Minister Gordon Brown found some comfort in this week’s dismal local election results when he learnt that Labour’s performance in fictional towns and cities was far better than results across the rest of the country as a whole. Posing for the cameras with the newly elected Labour Mayor of Casterbridge, Gordon Brown claimed that it was typical of the media to focus on Labour’s losses in places that really existed.

‘When you look at the whole picture’ said a Downing Street spokesman, ‘Labour has done pretty well in the key battlegrounds of Barchester and Middle Earth.’ Downing Street figures claim the county council of Midsomer saw a swing to Labour from ‘No Overall Control’ despite concerns about rising crime in the area. ‘Health issues in Holby City help Labour gain two seats off ‘Ratepayers’ and the Greens’ said the government spokesman. Labour apparently also gained three councillors in the London Borough of Walford, where locals in the Queen Vic pub in Albert Square celebrated by cheering, shouting and then fighting one another. In ‘Weatherfield’, another of the so-called non-existent marginals Labour increased its share of the vote on a reduced turnout, although angry farmers are being blamed for Labour’s failure in Emmerdale one of several target fantasy locations it failed to take.

‘The city of Atlantis was always a lost cause for us’ said Labour.. ‘But when people see the difference that new Labour councils make in places like Ambridge, Fulchester and Walmington-on-Sea’ we are confident that they’ll come back to Labour. When pressed about exactly when this Labour revival might take place, the government spokesman would only say ‘A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.’

NewsBiscuit

Editor

Toddlers admit failed strategy in ‘War on Pigeons’
24 February 2007 by Phil Smith

Ryanair to charge for ‘emotional baggage’
14 September 2007 by Phil Da Greek and thackaray
The announcement was made in an attempt to avoid delays caused by family arguments at check-in and boarding; henceforth Ryan Air will have a strict rule of ‘one simple divorce case per passenger’.

Veteran tomato tin denter retires
22 Sept 2007 by TeamBiscuit

Office ‘nutter’ did actually have serious mental health problems
17 July 2007 by NewsBiscuit
His workmates have sent him the little placard for him to put up above his bench in the hospital workshop. It says; ‘You don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps.’

Rosa Parks was victim of ‘Superglue Prank’
5 November 2007 by Team Biscuit
The super glue had actually been placed on the seat by her mischievous nephews as a prank, who had no idea that the whole thing would precipitate a civil rights campaign, the mobilization of the National Guard and the end to legal segregation.

Mail to give away ‘Big Issue Lite’ to undercut homeless
8 November 2007 by NewsBiscuit
The first Little Issue also includes a free A3 wall chart of all the other free-sheets littering Britain’s big cities. ‘It’s not just for sticking on your wall,’ said Paul Dacre. ‘It’s also folds out into a flimsy blanket for when the homeless haven’t raised enough to spend the night in a hostel.’

Soviet Union to reform for ‘one night only’
22 June 2007 by squonk
The countries of the former Soviet Union have agreed to reform for a special one-off evening of military posturing, human rights abuse and state-controlled oppression.

Diana inquest releases colonoscopy footage
5 October 2007 by newsbiscuit
The fact that the car she was in was crashed by a drunk driver when she wasn’t wearing her seat belt is just one of the nutty theories that jurors will have to consider.

Gordon Brown has Darth Vader to Tea
20 September 2007 by NewsBiscuit
The move has angered more traditional supporters of the Labour Party, who still have bitter memories of in the brutal enforcement of Vader’s rule throughout the galaxy during the 1980s.

BBC admits Pudsey faked eye injury
20 July 2007 by barnabas (one line Archy and Al O’Pecia)
‘We deeply apologise to everyone who has been misled into donating over the years, in the belief that they are helping to restore sight to real one-eyed bears. We are looking into the possibility of refunding the hundreds of millions of pounds given since Pudsey first appeared in 1985.’