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Posts Tagged ‘NHS’

David Tredinnick MP: ‘The NHS can be rescued by rubbing a big crystal on it’

cures cancer as well, apparentlyTory MP and crystal skull-lover David Tredinnick set out his vision today for the future of the NHS. These reforms will include the pre-emptive treatment of all individuals born under the sign of Cancer with aggressive chemotherapy and Reiki massage. ‘Every child born between the dates June 22nd –July 22nd will be administered potent chemotherapeutic agents from the age of six onwards’, announced Mr Tredinnick.

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Posted: Feb 27th, 2015
More from Health


NHS to buy all drugs ‘from a guy called Phil’

With the NHS now shown to be paying too much for medication, the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) has centralised its purchasing by awarding a contract to a man known as ‘Phil’, who impressed a member of the purchasing team with a promise to deliver ‘top notch stuff’ at ‘well below the going rate’ during a chance encounter in a London nightclub.

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Posted: Feb 19th, 2015
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GP receptionists identified as ‘terrorist group’ by UK Government

Home Secretary Theresa May has proscribed GP receptionists as a designated terrorist organisation. The deeply loathed group, along with nightclub bouncers and PPI cold callers, was added to the approved list under the Terrorism Act earlier today.

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Posted: Feb 13th, 2015
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Sir Stuart Rose launches ‘Simply NHS’ food range

'Every little helps... Er, no, that's not right.'Hospitals will now offer customers more ‘food choice’, while ensuring that ‘patient parts’ are not squandered.

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Posted: Feb 13th, 2015
More from From The Archives


‘A&E targets could be met if we stopped treating patients,’ doctors say

‘We’ve made fantastic progress,’ said a senior A&E consultant, referring to the news that the NHS was missing fewer targets than in November. ‘First we started locking the doors, then we gave everybody a couple of aspirin and told them to fuck off. Most never returned, so they were clearly putting it on.’

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Posted: Jan 25th, 2015
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