‘From the 6th April 2012 each employee in the NHS will be given a large pile of £50 notes which they can spend exactly as they wish during the full financial year to ensure they provide excellent patient care in their own particular area’, confirmed Secretary of State Andrew Lansley.

However critics have labelled the scheme as ‘impractical’, and have mounted a fierce campaign to reverse the decision. This will include a petition for a parliamentary inquiry, a leaflet campaign and the airlift of several units of foreign legionnaires from Morocco into NHS premises.

grottymonty

‘We have done everything imaginable to secure funds for the National Health Service,’ he told a press conference. ‘We’ve sold patient records to private health care companies, and we’ve even taken kidneys from the dead and sold them to Ginsters. This would be a great opportunity for anyone interested in business, health care or screwing up something big without having to become a politician.’

Interest from early bidders includes entrepreneur Richard Branson. ‘If successful a major re-branding exercise will take place,’ said a source close to Branson. ‘Virgin A&E, Virgin Outpatients, and Virgin Surgery are just some of the changes to be expected, but the maternity wards will be the first to change to ‘Virgin? My Arse’.

‘To be honest, I feared the worst,’ said 30-year-old Lydia. ‘When you’ve spent your life battling imagined ill health, you just know when a twinge in your ankle is actually something far more sinister. From the moment I sat down and saw the look in my eyes as I gave myself the news, I knew it was bad.’

Despite the setback, Lydia has promised friends and family that she will fight this thing with all she has, buoyed by her against-the-odds recovery last month from a malignant bout of sniffles.

Health Secretary Andrew Lansley said that some zoo workers could fairly be described as ‘angels’, so dedicated are they to the animals in their care.

Janice Johnson looks after chimpanzees at Whipsnade Zoo and claims she has already improved the standard of care at her local hospital, where she is now matron.

‘Patients get regular meals,’ said Ms Johnson, ‘and love having a choice between bananas or nuts. At first they weren’t too keen on the beds of straw, but regular mucking out has been welcomed by all.’

Griselda Hardcastle, a nurse of twenty years experience, isn’t impressed. ‘She knows a bit about feeding and watering patients, I admit. But we just don’t have the resources to treat old people like animals.’

‘I didn’t want to bother him at home,’ explained Mrs Maud Jessen (70), afterwards, ‘so when his award-winning telly clinic roared into my home town I thought – why not?’

But Mrs Jessen didn’t get quite the warm reception she’d anticipated. ‘He’s usually such a polite lad, but I was surprised by his consulting style. Maybe it was all the cameras, but he just clammed up and looked very strange as soon as I started explaining about my thick smelly discharge.’

Mrs Jessen went on: ‘It took him such a long time to croak out his reassuring catchphrase: ‘let’s take a look, then, shall we?’ So I said ‘are you all right dear?’ as I took my slacks and knickers off, hopped on the couch and pulled my knees up. I said to him, I said, ‘It used to be me looking down at you like this, didn’t it!’ I think he wanted to laugh but he had to be professional with all the cameras there. But he did suddenly dash out of the room for a moment, probably to have a good chuckle.’

Probed for more detail, Mrs Jessen revealed: ‘I felt he’d need to know whether the thick smelly discharge was affecting my, you know, relations with his dad and it was nice to be able to reassure Christian that everything was wonderful in that department. In fact, as I explained, it’s a jolly good scratch right now. Well, by this time Christian had flattened himself against the wall and seemed to be struggling for air.’

Mrs Jessen was unsure whether she would consult her son again. ‘His manner wasn’t the best, if I’m honest. I mean, instead of showing me out like a proper doctor, he ran off down the corridor screaming ‘Doctor Pixie! Doctor Pixie! Oh, sweet Lord, where ARE you Doctor Pixie?’ Honestly. I know he’s a bit, you know, special, but I didn’t realise he was away with the fairies.’

‘Through my newspapers I’ve had a long history of identifying mental problems among the public,’ he explained. ‘Purchasing one is a definite clue that something isn’t working quite right. My experiment with repeating the same story about a dead princess every week for 14 years was particularly successful.’

The lottery draw will be shown live on channels that are popular amongst the mentally sprained. ‘Channel 5 is a natural choice for us,’ Desmond announced. ‘Big Brother has really boosted the audience figures amongst people too stupid to blink, and they’re just the people we want to help by taking a quid off them.’

But by supporting health charities, Desmond insists he is doing good. ‘20% of our profits goes towards helping exactly the sort of people who gave us 100% of our sales. It’s win-win.’

‘Our junior doctors are being worked to the point of exhaustion,’ said one whistle-blower, a practising love consultant. ‘With one in three marriages ending in divorce, we’ve been forced to work a triage system. While we try to patch up the salvageable relationships by pulling the screen around the bed, lighting scented candles and playing Barry White records, when it’s terminal we sometimes have no choice but to leave a couple on a trolley in the corridor until nature takes its course and one of them drifts away.’

Commentators have criticised the NHS’s performance between the sterilised bedsheets. ‘Doctors are so overworked they don’t have time to give us proper treatment,’ said one dissatisfied patient. ‘The one who saw my husband and I took one look at Kevin, shrugged and told me I could do so much better. Then he suggested to Kevin that if he was having problems getting in the mood, a brown paper bag can really spice things up.’

Pressure groups like the Single-But-Looking Society say that the British love system lags considerably behind our continental neighbours. ‘Under the efficient German system you can get into a relationship within the hour, providing you don’t try to laugh them into bed. And there’s so much we can learn from the Italians. Their prime minister is a firm believer in cradle to grave provision, meaning those close to the grave should have proper access to those not long out of cradles.’

The Government has attempted to reduce waiting times by setting up a 24-hour advice helpline, NHS Lurvin’ Direct, but this too has come in for criticism. ‘I was forwarded to some Indian call centre,’ complained one elderly suitor. ‘They advised me to consult page 27 of the Kama Sutra, arch my back and put my left arm under my wife’s right leg. Well, the earth certainly moved for Mildred – in fact it moved right out from under her. She now needs a replacement hip and doctors estimate a waiting time of months before I see any action again.’

jp1885 (hat-tips to Quaz and Oxbridge)

Staff at McDonald’s will wear the bright red tabards after they have taken the order, while they are collecting food to be put on the customer’s tray.

The fast food chain says interruptions such as customers asking for ketchup and straws, begging for no ice in the coke or asking difficult questions about abattoir hygiene could stop staff from doing their jobs properly and might actually lead to customers being given the wrong burger.

But Jane Tinsmith, from campaign group Fast Food Customer Concern, described the initiative as ‘ridiculous’. She said: ‘If you’re a fast food chain employee and you can’t do more than one thing at a time, you’re a pretty hopeless employee’.

Then she laughed and said: ‘Who am I kidding? Can they even do one thing at a time?’

By cuckoowatoo