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Posts Tagged ‘NHS’

NHS to buy all drugs ‘from a guy called Phil’

With the NHS now shown to be paying too much for medication, the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) has centralised its purchasing by awarding a contract to a man known as ‘Phil’, who impressed a member of the purchasing team with a promise to deliver ‘top notch stuff’ at ‘well below the going rate’ during a chance encounter in a London nightclub.

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Posted: Feb 19th, 2015
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GP receptionists identified as ‘terrorist group’ by UK Government

Home Secretary Theresa May has proscribed GP receptionists as a designated terrorist organisation. The deeply loathed group, along with nightclub bouncers and PPI cold callers, was added to the approved list under the Terrorism Act earlier today.

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Posted: Feb 13th, 2015
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Sir Stuart Rose launches ‘Simply NHS’ food range

'Every little helps... Er, no, that's not right.'Hospitals will now offer customers more ‘food choice’, while ensuring that ‘patient parts’ are not squandered.

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Posted: Feb 13th, 2015
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‘A&E targets could be met if we stopped treating patients,’ doctors say

‘We’ve made fantastic progress,’ said a senior A&E consultant, referring to the news that the NHS was missing fewer targets than in November. ‘First we started locking the doors, then we gave everybody a couple of aspirin and told them to fuck off. Most never returned, so they were clearly putting it on.’

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Posted: Jan 25th, 2015
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New figures show hospital patients waiting too long to be put into cupboards

A new report has also confirmed that many patients are suffering the indignity of having to share large rooms, or ‘wards’, with other sick people while waiting for cupboards to become available.

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Posted: Jan 19th, 2015
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