NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

Posts Tagged ‘Nick Clegg’

Lib Dems to eliminate main cause of childhood illiteracy – stupid children

another vote winner!In a bold statement of intent, Liberal Democratic Party leader Nick Clegg has set out his kid-free vision of the future. With a clear manifesto commitment, the Liberal Democrats expect to put an end to small people saying ‘I’m bored’ or ‘It’s not fair’ and monopolising all the jelly. By 2025, the Lib Dems have also promised to eradicate nose-picking in public.

A party spokeswoman explained: ‘We are not going to euthanise the grammatically challenged kiddie-winks as such. That would be cruel and, more to the point, time-consuming. We are just going to reclassify them as ‘stupid very young adults’. As such, they will be legally entitled to vote Liberal Democrat.’

Read more >

Posted: Jan 20th, 2015
More from Education



UN asked to intervene in Obama-Cameron ‘bromance’

US and UK set to veto any end to 'relations'The UN has been called upon to act ‘swiftly and decisively’ amid worsening affection between Barack Obama and David Cameron at the Whitehouse last week. Public decency is said to be in tatters after lurid scenes of togetherness between the US president and his ‘bro’ were aired on prime-time television with no warning. Rumours that Cameron referred to Obama as his ‘homie’ are mercifully unconfirmed.

Read more >

Posted: Jan 18th, 2015
More from Politics



Empty chair surges ahead of Cameron in polls

The chair, currently believed to be standing independently, has already received tentative offers from all of the main parties to join with them should the results of the general election force another coalition.

Read more >

Posted: Jan 16th, 2015
More from News In Brief



God, Allah and Jehovah struggle to agree on live TV debate format

...and what about the Zoroastrians?Despite increasing strife between their respective followers and the impending Judgement Day in which the sheep may or may not be separate from the goats and the unbelievers may or may not be cast into the eternal pit of fire, it has emerged that God, Allah and Jehovah are still unable to agree on the format of their long-awaited live TV debate.

The main bone of contention is said to be whether or not other gods should be included, while there have also been calls for a separate debate to the north, where Odin is seen as a serious contender. Jehovah, a jealous god, has refused point blank to appear on the same platform as Ba’al or Marduk, while Allah insists that no other gods can take part in the debate because they don’t exist anyway.

Read more >

Posted: Jan 15th, 2015
More from Politics



Tony Blair ready to challenge Labour leadership ‘within 45 minutes’

In a frank interview the former Labour Party leader denied he had been critical of Ed Miliband and his leadership of the party. ‘Sure I might have said he is a useless fuckwit, but everyone says that,’ he said, adding, ‘and I might have suggested that it should be possible for any half-brained, bleeding heart, know nothing politician to look better than that useless twat Cameron, but obviously I was referring to Nick Clegg, who I don’t think should lead the Labour Party. Or any party, come to think of it.’

Read more >

Posted: Jan 1st, 2015
More from News In Brief