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Posts Tagged ‘Nick Clegg’

UK party leaders adopt Nigeria’s popular naming convention

most votes still likely to go to Joe Noneoftheabove.In a bid to replicate Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan’s huge popular appeal throughout his country’s electorate, Britain’s party leaders have all jumped on the ‘does exactly what it says on the tin’ bandwagon ahead of the forthcoming general election.

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Posted: Feb 2nd, 2015
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Page 3 to feature extracts from Chilcot inquiry

'Actually, string 'em up,' says Rupert, 83In a surprise U-turn, The Sun has renewed its commitment to publishing salacious images that may cause offence to decent people everywhere, including Tony Blair and George W. Bush in a series of compromising positions with Weapons of Mass Destruction. Editor David Dinsmore explained: ‘Figuratively speaking Blair and Bush were the biggest pair of tits we could find. And there are plenty more breast-related puns where that one came from, oh yes. Just keep counting.’

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Posted: Jan 23rd, 2015
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Lib Dems to eliminate main cause of childhood illiteracy – stupid children

another vote winner!In a bold statement of intent, Liberal Democratic Party leader Nick Clegg has set out his kid-free vision of the future. With a clear manifesto commitment, the Liberal Democrats expect to put an end to small people saying ‘I’m bored’ or ‘It’s not fair’ and monopolising all the jelly. By 2025, the Lib Dems have also promised to eradicate nose-picking in public.

A party spokeswoman explained: ‘We are not going to euthanise the grammatically challenged kiddie-winks as such. That would be cruel and, more to the point, time-consuming. We are just going to reclassify them as ‘stupid very young adults’. As such, they will be legally entitled to vote Liberal Democrat.’

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Posted: Jan 20th, 2015
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UN asked to intervene in Obama-Cameron ‘bromance’

US and UK set to veto any end to 'relations'The UN has been called upon to act ‘swiftly and decisively’ amid worsening affection between Barack Obama and David Cameron at the Whitehouse last week. Public decency is said to be in tatters after lurid scenes of togetherness between the US president and his ‘bro’ were aired on prime-time television with no warning. Rumours that Cameron referred to Obama as his ‘homie’ are mercifully unconfirmed.

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Posted: Jan 18th, 2015
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Empty chair surges ahead of Cameron in polls

The chair, currently believed to be standing independently, has already received tentative offers from all of the main parties to join with them should the results of the general election force another coalition.

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Posted: Jan 16th, 2015
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