‘We aim to cater for the needs of all our customers,’ said a TfL spokeman, ‘so it’s about time we had carriages where people who like to treat outdated conjecture as fact can do so without being judged. The ‘White Is Right’ carriages will be at the rear of our trams and will include buffet cars selling cans of special brew, pregnancy test kits and signed photos of Nick Griffin kicking a black person in the face. There will be a strict no-filming policy.’

The scheme has been announced following a racist incident on a recent Croydon-to-Wimbledon tramlink service. The victim of the abuse was particularly upset at being told to go back to where they came from, which in this case was Mitcham.

Shandy

Traditionally the BNP has taken an oppositional policy when faced with foreign nationals in the UK on the basis of economic and social protectionism. Indeed, appearing at a recent political blockade of the urban/hip hop section of HMV in Picadilly Circus, Mr Griffin had argued that by invading the UK charts with her non-British pop music, Rihanna ‘was stealing chart positions from genuine British artists’ such as BNP favourite Cheryl Tweedy.

Yet rumours have circulated that several party members have refused to tow the line culminating in reports that some influential members missed the weekly darts tournament to watch Sunday’s X Factor, which featured Miss Fenty. This was strongly denied by Mr Griffin, who maintained that those absent had attended a gypsy stoning.

However, it has emerged that Griffin demanded that members are balloted on ’whether Rihanna was fitter than Cheryl Tweedy’. The vote went against him however, with half of the members admitting that were willing to ‘reject their hitherto staunch opposition to non-Brits on the basis of Rihanna’s thighs’. ‘She’s not all that black really’ added one member.

Outside their Regional HQ at the Burnley Working Men’s Club, Mr Griffin spoke of his dismay, saying ‘this is yet another example of someone of colour coming into this country and stealing all the airplay. I can tell you that up and down the country their will be a lot of disappointed women who will be feeling let down by the same people who are meant to be protecting our gene pool. I really thought we’d cracked it when we saw off that Beyonce.’

The BNP now faces an uncertain future and there is a genuine risk that the party might split resulting in legions of disenfranchised racists. Mr Griffin has urged members of the party to ‘embrace Cheryl Tweedy or risk political oblivion’ and went on to warn that ‘soon we may no longer be trusted by the honest White Man because he will see us as a party which clearly accept blacks, even if is just when it suits us. And in that case, he might as well join the Conservatives.’

SingingHinny

‘Don’t get me wrong, I’m no tolerantist,’ said John Webster, head of the BNP’s Walthamstow branch, ‘but I’ve always said it’s good for the spread of racism that we open our doors to all creeds and colours. And it’s worked wonders – now we’ve got all kinds of people being racist.’

But Webster’s progressive views on racism have concerned older BNP members. ‘Racism is becoming such a broad church,’ said one. ‘They’re letting anyone in these days, no questions asked – and some of them are openly broad minded. Bloody foreigners. Coming over here, diversifying our racist organisations.’

And the appointment of a uniformity officer has met with little support from many in Walthamstow. ‘What a load of un-PC rubbish. As if we need to be told how to discriminate.’

Ahead of a highly prestigious United Nations awards ceremony, where her humanitarian efforts were to be recognised in front of an audience containing senior politicians and diplomats from around the world, Marion and her parents were just leaving her home to be taken by Limousine to a London hotel. It was as they pulled out that her father, Sid, tapped on the glass and asked the driver to stop at their local convenience store so he could purchase his cigarettes. ‘But not,’ sighed Marion, ‘exactly in those words’.

‘I thought I had it all covered tonight,’ she continued, ‘I’d made sure he knew Ban Ki-moon was Korean, definitely not Japanese, and it was a perfectly warm evening anyway so I would expect no comments about the temperature. I’d reminded him that if the subject of US politics and the presidency came up that ‘mixed race’ is the preferred term these days. Then he drops the P bomb on me, and my preparation’s right out the window.’

‘Suddenly I’m back at my school prize-giving and paralysed with mortification watching him talking to Mrs Atwood, who’s married to Mr Gandhi the chemistry teacher, and he’s doing that head-bobbling impression he picked up from ‘It Ain’t Half hot Mum’. What is it with parents?’ Marion asked, ‘I’d have better luck doing Wife Swap with Nick Griffin.’

The most frustrating thing for the leading campaigner is that her father appears completely oblivious to her concerns. ‘He still doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Like tonight, he just says ‘Mr Singh doesn’t mind when I say it, and he’s not even one of ’em’, and that ‘I should hear what Mr Singh says about that nice Polack family around the corner’. Honestly, I sometimes think he genuinely believes that these are the proper technical terms. I wonder if it’s too late for me to take up that 12 month post doing tribal conflict studies in the depths of the Amazon?’

Other members of Marion’s family are more sympathetic to her plight. ‘Sid’s of a different age and doesn’t really appreciate the sensitivities of the modern world, and the embarrassment he might cause Marion,’ said her mother, Celia. ‘But at least in me she has one parent who understands what’s important in her life. She’s a modern, successful woman in her late thirties with a high profile career and an immense intellect. Every day I tell her, she’s never going to get a husband going on like that.’

Some communities have already seen a backlash to the migration, and a number of ‘indigenous’ birds have complained that social nesting boxes are swamped with an influx of refugee cuckoos, who are apparently expecting the state to look after their offspring. ‘They’re just a drain on scarce RSPB resources. Now, some of my best friends are blackbirds, but I just can’t stand them ill eagles you keep hearing about in the papers,’ claimed one tattooed starling.

Deputy PM Nick Clegg said the coalition government is already addressing the issue, ‘We hope to cut numbers by combating the flocking mentality that’s causing such a problem for this country. It’s shameful when the one at the front makes a decision and the rest of a group just mindlessly following behind for the ride’.

‘I did my best, I really did’, said the elderly Mr Griffin. ‘I taught him about tolerance, justice, and how to be sympathetic and loving to other people. I taught him about the contribution that immigrants have made to British life over the centuries. I even tried to bring him up as a Muslim, but as soon as he left home he forgot all about it – I am so sorry’.

According to his father, Nick Griffin’s shortcomings became apparent at an early age. ‘As soon as he was old enough he would spend hours at football matches or down the pub, drinking with all his skinhead friends. Pretty soon he didn’t have time for his family or for his old friends like Samuel, the rabbi’s son, or David, the gay chap from across the road. Suddenly they weren’t good enough for him any more, it was so sad.’

Mohammed Griffin denied that he or his family have been the cause of Nick Griffin’s political views. ‘I always tried to bring him up to be a model citizen, but his mother didn’t help – that’s the last time I have an affair with a benefit-scrounging, asylum-seeking atheist, I can tell you.’

‘You don’t expect to find yourself being unwrapped by young people at my time of life,’ he commented with typically gentle wit. ‘I can just imagine what mother might say if she could see me now?’ Interestingly the other toys in the top five were neatly split in their appeal to boys and girls. They were the GoToxic pufferfish plush; the LEGO ‘knock-em-over’ Twin Towers flight controller; Nick Griffin’s turbo-bigot 2 for the Wii and Princess Cheapskates’ glue-n-slide blades.

Gary Lucas, head of the Toy Retailers Association said, ‘I think it’s great that the talking Alan doll was such a big seller this Christmas. Millions of children woke up on Christmas morning to hear Bennett’s keen observations of human foibles and idiosyncrasies.’

A recent re-run of Bennett’s ‘Talking Heads’ plays are said to have driven up demand for action figures, mousemats, books and other ‘Alanorabilia’. Lucy Mickle, a nine-year old from Durham, is one of the children who asked Santa to bring her an Alan Bennett for Christmas. ‘I was vaguely aware of Beyond The Fringe and things like that because I’d hear my parents discussing it, but I didn’t connect that it was the same Alan Bennett who did The History Boys. I’m hoping they do a Thora Hird from Cream Cracker or Maggie Smith from A Bed Among The Lentils as it would be great to collect them all.’
‘Alan Bennett toys are always big sellers, and you have to admire the attention to detail,’ adds Gary Lucas, ‘the glasses, the slightly hesitant shy demeanour… he really does appeal to all ages.’

Director General Mark Thompson said; ‘People are just much more aware of the damage it causes these days and the majority of our staff don’t see why they should all go home at the end of the day tainted with the stink of someone else’s inappropriate language. Passive racism in the workplace is extremely harmful to those who don’t themselves ‘indulge’, but I suppose there will always be a few die-hards who just don’t seem to be able to give it up.’

The ‘special’ areas outside television centre are fitted with tasteful umbrellas to keep the sun and rain off and patio heaters will be provided when it’s cold. ‘We simply couldn’t have well-known presenters hanging around in groups by the front door saying, you know, those words and making chit-chat which could be described as ‘ambiguous’,’ said Mr Thompson, ‘but I’m amazed at how many people have actually come out of the woodwork – they’ve been keeping it very quiet!’

But one presenter who obviously didn’t want to be named and who had just let out a torrent of proscribed words, then exhaled with satisfaction, said; ‘It’s a bit of a nuisance but it’s just like they say, you really do meet the most interesting people out here; sports presenters, game show hosts, dance judges, political commentators who bring their own biscuits, they all come down here about once an hour. There’ll be a wedding before you know it.’

‘We even had that Nick Griffin down here just the other day,’ he added. ‘That was fun.’