In a shocking report released by the World Climate Change Investigative Committee yesterday, scientists have warned of ‘some really bad stuff, more bad than the last stuff’.
The report goes on to say that if we continue to burn fossil fuels, strip forests, and sneak empty coke cans into the black bin instead of the blue bin, then the human race is headed for that total annihilation and rapid extinction that they warned about before – only more so.

The latest grim warning also highlights a potentially crippling shortage of words to describe clime change events. It reports that ‘due to previous reports hyping up the patchy initial findings, they have needlessly squandered the world’s resources of really frightening words. ‘Where a one degree rise in polar sea temperatures should have just been ‘of some concern’ in 1989, this was reported in the press as ‘apocalyptic, Armageddon, and catastrophe,’ explained Professor Regis, the chairman of the committee. ‘Now we have discovered even more really scary stuff, but we’ve used up the shock words.’ The Committee have timetabled all of the potential adjectives which can be used to describe cataclysmic climate changes in future, in order to conserve the few words they have left.

The general public have reacted with alarm at the latest findings but refused to despair at the apparent hopelessness of the situation. ‘I recycle my newspapers and buy my petrol from a green coloured pump, so I think everything is probably going to be OK if we all do that,’ said one consumer.

The Big Yin