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Posts Tagged ‘nursery rhymes’

‘Little Miss Muffet is a cheating crack whore’ claims spider

Muffet 'ponies-up for skunk'The spider involved in the Little Miss Muffet incident has spoken for the first time about what actually occurred between them. The nursery rhyme, which is well known around the world, apparently tells the story of an innocent girl who is frightened away by a spider. The reality is very different. ‘She is a lying cheating bitch,’ claims the spider, ‘she was one of my girls, if you know what I mean, and she owes me money.

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Posted: Aug 11th, 2015
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Bigamy arrest near St Ives leads police to cat-trafficking ring

I've heard about this: cat smuggling!After a tip-off from an anonymous individual travelling to St Ives, the police have arrested James Green, 38, from Wolverhampton, for bigamy. In what is believed to be a severe case of benefit fraud, Green was allegedly found to be legally married to seven different women, all of whom appeared to accept the situation as they were travelling with him in one group.

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Posted: Apr 5th, 2015
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Jack and Jill sue over inappropriate medical advice

‘We went up the hill to fetch a pail of water,’ Jack explained, ‘when I fell back down, fracturing the crown of my head in the process. When Jill rang NHS 111, they suggested bed rest and patching me up with vinegar and brown paper. The next day I learned from my GP that this would not have helped in the slightest.’

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Posted: Aug 17th, 2014
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Binge-eating pensioner admits it all started when she swallowed a fly

The old lady whose eating spree included several large animals has warned how such binges can start innocuously.

‘When I had my fly snack I thought nothing of it,’ she said, ‘but then, I thought I’d better have a spider for afters, as I hadn’t thought to kill the fly first.’

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Posted: Jun 4th, 2013
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Grand Old Duke of York ‘livid’ at army cuts

The Grand Old Duke of York reacted with fury last night as it was announced that his fighting force of 10,000 men may be drastically cut back. ‘A cut of 25% could destroy morale – 7,500 men marching around just looks silly,’ he said.

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Posted: Oct 20th, 2010
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