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Posts Tagged ‘OAPs’

Pensioners helpfully reminded ‘your days are numbered’

Pensions Minister Steve Webb has proposed that all of the UK’s OAPs should be given a stark reality check in terms of life expectancy. Mr Webb’s understandable concern is that the elderly are unaware of their own mortality and that previous attempts to pursue them with dark storm clouds, circling vultures and ‘a dyspeptic hobgoblin carrying an oversized hourglass’ did not have ‘the desired impact’.

Initially there will be a leaflet campaign depicting images of ‘memento mori’, ‘broken mirrors’ and stills from the ‘Final Destination’ movie franchise. This will be supplemented with a visit by a blind pirate bearing the black-spot, quickly followed by the erection of a glowing white tunnel outside their front door. If the pensioner has still not ‘got the hint’, they will be given a face-to-face consultation with a wailing banshee.

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Posted: Apr 18th, 2014
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OAPs wield nudity weapon in fight against cutbacks

A group of elderly ladies from Buxton has promised not to issue a nude calendar this Christmas – provided the public pledge sufficient funds to keep their day care centre open.

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Posted: Dec 13th, 2012
More from News In Brief



Campaign launched to fight for ‘right to become senile’

Soon-to-be pensioners have reacted with disappointment at the increase in the retirement age and are planning a challenge under the Human Rights Act, claiming that the Government is denying them their sacred right to descend into obscurity, social isolation and dementia by raising the retirement age.

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Posted: Jan 17th, 2011
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Old people must stop telling people how old they are, says government

Old people must stop telling people how old they are if new legislation on the retirement age is to reach the statute book, a government spokesman has said.

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Posted: Sep 15th, 2010
More from News In Brief



Elderly couple’s stay on traffic island enters its 9th hour

Always dressed for a cold snapMr and Mrs Etheridge, an 82-year-old couple from Banstead in Surrey, were this afternoon coming to regret their decision to shun the traffic lights and attempt an unplanned crossing of the B2219.

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Posted: Apr 25th, 2009
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