‘When you’ve spent all week sat at a desk eating crisps, you don’t want to waste your spare time looking at sleek animals in peak physical condition’ explained Howard Holstead, the park’s head keeper. ‘I got the idea after telling a family from Dudley that our cheetah was the fastest animal on the planet, and the second-fattest kid called it a ‘vain twat’.’

Unlike other zoos, visitors are actively encouraged to feed the animals. ‘You’re never going to bloat a meerkat with salad’ warned Holstead, ‘but it turns out they really like Big Macs. The crowds love watching them sucking cheese out of each other’s fur or laying there, gasping for breath.’

The high-fat diet has caused subtle changes in the behaviour of some animals. ‘The meerkats seem reluctant to look out for predators, possibly because of the effort required to give even the less stocky ones a bunk-up into their tree. But the most interesting development is the use of tools by the chimps, they’ve learned how to break into the control room and order pizza.’

Holstead took a proactive approach towards animal rights groups and invited them to visit the zoo before they could protest. ‘They were ready to have a right old go’ he confirmed, ‘but when they got here, they were impressed with how jolly all the animals looked.’ Any thoughts of freeing the animals was quickly dropped by activists, once they realised just how big they’d have to cut the holes in the fencing.

Humphries has noticed a number of advantages as well. ‘Most of the animals can’t be bothered to escape, so we save a fortune on maintaining the cages’, he explained. ‘It’s now perfectly safe to walk through the safari park, where you can watch my staff shooting the lions with insulin darts.’

Not everyone at the zoo has embraced the new cuddly animals though, and Humphries recently had to fire the park’s dietician. ‘We need to make sure our animals receive a high percentage of fried food, but Mrs Griffiths was found to be preparing some meals by cooking them over a low heat, in a light bouillon. That’s the sort of thing that could completely undermine our efforts to introduce tubby animals into the wild: you’ve really got to keep an eye out for poachers.’

Their conclusion, based on computer modelling and the most advanced forms of modern guesswork, means a generation of fat pirates and rotund construction workers, and a set of Stars Wars figures needing an Extra Large in Death Stars, Tie Fighters and Jedi Knight Robes.

‘Lego characters are merely a representation of the human form in plastic. It’s no surprise that they are adapting to reflect the fact that we are becoming huge waddling bags of undifferentiated saturated fat,’ says the report.

The problem was first noted in ‘Weebles’, which over the years began to wobble, fall down and not be able to get up again. owever, in subsequent years, it has emerged among other plastic figures in the Sylvanian community, the Action man range and Katie Price.

The research group will turn their attention next to premature hair-loss among gonks.

tvhack

Campaigners were originally angry that some packaged breads contain up to 2g of salt per 100g, but the discovery that most brands of common table salt may contain as much as 100g of salt per 100g has caused outrage.

‘When I spoon mountains of salt on my food,’ complained health activist Terry Nacl, ‘how can I possibly tell that hidden within the briny goodness is a dangerously high level of salt? The public need far more openness, and if possible, lashings of malt vinegar.’

Brian Seaman, spokesman for the salt industry, was dismissive, saying: ‘This is just the sort of story we expect to see in the silly season.’

Originally, NHS North Staffordshire Primary Care Trust said his body mass index (BMI) of 43 was below its usual criteria of 50: the minimum figure required before planning permission for a fast-food outlet bypass is agreed. In July, Court of Appeal judges rejected a bid to force the trust to operate, but it has now agreed to do so after receiving a second ‘individual funding request’ (IFR) on 10 August to fund the 62-year-old’s request for a gastric re-route.

‘The request and the new supporting medical evidence was thoroughly examined by our Highways Department,’ said a PCT spokesman. ‘Mr Pennington’s clinical circumstances were found to be exceptional as he has to drive past the outlet in question in his mobility scooter every day.’

In order to build the bypass, a grade II listed building, child’s playground and the headquarters of the NHS North Staffordshire Primary Care Trust will have to be demolished, but experts agree that this will be a small price to pay for Pennington’s wellbeing. ‘This proves conclusively that we treat such cases seriously, and with care and compassion. Mr. Pennington’s health and dignity are at stake – plus if it stops him thundering down the street and rattling the chimneys then all the better.’

Pennington has spoken of his delight at the decision: ‘this is fantastic news – I can look forward with getting on with my life without the spectre of three McChicken Sandwiches a day looming over me. I can finally go about my daily business without being drawn into that accursed place and make my way to the chip shop unhindered.’

A study sponsored by the Department of Health discovered that among the external factors that effect the development of infants, the anthropomorphic representations we see on our TV screens exert the largest influence. ‘As kids we spend a large portion of our time sat in front of the TV,’ said Dr. Michelle Calder, a leading paediatrician. ‘Back in the ‘70’s our favourite characters appeared tall and slim on our square, 4:3 aspect ratio sets, whereas on today’s 16:9 widescreens they are squashed and stocky individuals. It’s inevitable that our bodies will change in response to this.’

According to Dr. Calder, the phenomenon is not a new one: ‘Just look at our elderly population: people who grew up in the ‘40’s and ‘50’s and who are now wobbly, ill-defined, sepia-tinged folk who require a bit of a warm-up to get going. To this day most of them refuse to go to bed until they’ve had the national anthem played to them.’

The Department of Health is recommending drastic measures to counter the ‘widescreen effect’. ‘We had a choice of either rationing the amount of time children spend watching television or installing special medieval-style stretch racks in nurseries and schools. Most parents have indicated a preference for the more sensible option – turning off the telly is just too difficult a pill to swallow.’

Dr. Calder admitted however that there will be a number of advantages. ‘Developments in HD will ensure that we’ll all enjoy flawless complexions – lest we’re outcast as social lepers. Furthermore the rise in 3D transmissions will mean that I shall be able to deter any potential sex attacker – emboldened no doubt by the latest immersive surround sound ‘torture porn’ movie or episode of Eastenders – by waving my finger at him at 50 yards and poking his eye out. Proof if any were needed that television really does ruin your eyesight.’

‘I’m maybe not the ideal shape for the sport,’ admitted Dave Barnard, ‘but I assumed that with God on my side I’d leap and glide over the barriers like a salmon.’ In almost every race he ran that was not the case.

‘What with praying eight hours a day, I didn’t really have the time to train. And there was the eating. Athletes need to take on board a lot of calories.’

Dave became a popular figure at the track where he was often spotted knelt in prayer while the other athletes stretched and paced in preparation for their races.

The vicar at Dave’s church said that ‘while God had tried his best, he’s not a miracle worker.’

‘This diet is for those people who cannot stomach the idea of a grapefruit for breakfast by providing comfort food alongside the discomfort foods,’ said leading nutritionist Anita Bean. ‘This is hardly gastronomic but by introducing healthy elements into their usual disgustingly indulgent diet we can lure them into eating some wholesome food without them really noticing. We are hoping that people will get used to the more nutritional offerings and eventually drop the unhealthy food element entirely.’

To test the initiative, a roadside service café near Pontefract has been trialling the new recipes for the past month, offering appetising morsels to hungry motorists and heavy logistics operatives alike. A typical menu choice would be:

Breakfast
Low fat chocolate Cheerios
Eggs and Bacon served with wholemeal fried bread and low sodium salt.
Muesli doughnuts

Lunch
Salad pie and mashed organic potatoes.
Lettuce and chips
Courgette in the hole

Desert
Melon crumble
That old standby Prunes and Mustard

‘We are delighted with the results so far,’ said Ms Bean. ‘These tasty meals are being snapped up by hungry travellers and we are sure that we are on the right road to defeat obesity.’

Weighing in at 21 stones, trucker Jed Collins falls uncomfortably into the initiative’s target market. Pausing only to break wind after tucking into a tasty Kentucky Grilled Chicken, Collins said. ‘I’m impressed. There was nothing much wrong with that.’

And did he enjoy the extra special salad garnish that was served with his bucket meal? ‘What, the rabbit food? Nah, I just threw it away as usual.’

‘All we’re doing is recognising the growing demand for wide-haul flights,’ said Sir Stelios Haji-Ioannou, founder of easyJet. ‘Our customers don’t want to be patronised by standard airlines charging them for two seats. We treat all our travellers like grown outs – sorry, grown ups. We give them one big seat at twice the price plus charges. Oh, and insulin. All the insulin they can eat.’

The launch of ObeseyJet follows Air France’s recent announcement that it would be charging overweight customers for two seats following an incident in which one overloaded cross-channel flight failed to get airborne and had to be re-branded Sea France. The airline denied that the presence on the ‘flight’ of actor James Cordon was the cause of its difficulties, but admitted that he did inspire the two-seat policy after it proved impossible to sell the seat next to him.

Despite the fanfare accompanying the launch, ObeseyJet’s first passengers have reported disappointment with the standard of customer service. ‘Okay, I had a fair bit of luggage,’ said recent flyer, John Prescott, ‘but I couldn’t believe it when they asked me at check-in if I’d forgotten the hotel was full-board.’ The airline has since apologised to Mr Prescott and acknowledged that some customers may need an additional baggage allowance to transport their sun lotion, but it stands by its policy of only allowing a passenger to board the plane from one side when an equally-sized passenger is ready to board from the other.

The arrival of ObeseyJet has inevitably sparked competition among other budget carriers, but many industry commentators believe Ryanair has taken the idea too far. CEO Michael O’Leary today unveiled a new ‘pound-for-pound’ charging tariff, confirming it would be extra for each chin, but has been widely criticised after removing lifejackets from its planes in a cost-cutting bid and insisting they were unnecessary for the naturally buoyant.