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Posts Tagged ‘old people’

Pensioners offered chance to hibernate

Sales of HobNobs expected to plummet.

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Posted: Dec 18th, 2013
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Gangs of pensioners conspire to bring country to halt with lunchtime queuing

An undercover police operation has revealed that a Mafia-like organisation is behind the huge number of retired people queuing in banks and post offices during lunchtimes.

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Posted: Dec 6th, 2013
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‘I just hate old people’ admits British Gas MD

countering medical advances for the elderly, for the good of societyThe Managing Director of British Gas, Ian Peters, has today confirmed plans to ‘remove’ a record number of adorable grandparents in the lead-up to Christmas. His vision is that the plans will rid his home town and beyond of the aged, which he believes will make roads ‘less hazardous’, ‘shorten the queues’ in his local Post Office, and remove the ‘annoying obligation’ he has to visit his mother on Christmas Day.

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Posted: Oct 17th, 2013
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Elderly ‘can’t wait’ to house prisoners under new government scheme

lots of stories to tell over tea and biscuitsConvicted murderers, sex offenders, and terrorists will be used as ‘live in’ companions to help out retirees under a radical new homestay scheme starting next month.

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Posted: May 12th, 2013
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Snow latest: Pensioner sick of being checked on by neighbours

Alf Pemberton, 83, is thought to have been checked in on by eight different well-meaning neighbours in a 12-hour period over the weekend, amassing over 21 pints of milk in the process.

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Posted: Jan 21st, 2013
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