In a video released earlier this week, a spokesman for the UK-based Islamic Jihadi Brotherhood assured the British public that ‘the infidels will burn and the streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers, but for now we’re glued to our TVs watching Team GB’s medal success’.
Posted: Aug 12th, 2012
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Despite being guarded by a substantial number of highly trained A-level students wearing fluorescent bibs, thieves made off with the 80,000 tonne steel and concrete centre-piece of London’s hopes and dreams sometime between the hours of midnight and 6am.
Posted: Jul 17th, 2012
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Locally bred pitbull terriers were released in the early hours of Sunday morning onto a stretch of the Tottenham High Road, where local youths had been gathering for several hours.
Posted: Jul 9th, 2012
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Supermarket giants including Tesco and Sainsbury’s have led angry calls for the Royal Family to ‘stop fannying about for the Jubilee’ after news emerged that forty fully-stocked supermarkets have been left unopened for months.
‘We’ve been continuing to expand our operations across the United Kingdom,’ said Tesco chief executive Philip Clarke. ‘But since this Diamond Jubilee nonsense started, we’ve been left with 17 stores ready to go but unopened because the Royals are all booked up reading the weather or dancing with Usain Bolt in Jamaica or sailing down the bloody Thames.’
Posted: Jun 1st, 2012
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‘This could cause significant traffic problems around Heathrow and Gatwick airports,’ the report said, ‘as people realise that their favourite programmes won’t be on for a fortnight, and that there is absolutely no escape from the pain of watching British athletes fail spectacularly, and then have to listen to Gary Lineker, who has suddenly become a world authority on everything, try to make the most of Tom Daley falling off the diving board, and Chris Hoy getting a puncture on his bike.’
Posted: May 3rd, 2011
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