An anonymous source from SO19, the armed division of the Met voiced his excitement in the run up to the games. ‘Personally I can’t wait to put months of arduous training into action, and actually start shooting people. I can’t tell you too much, but we’ve basically got a license to shot dodgy looking brown people. It’s going to be like a state sanctioned version of Grand Theft Auto, with institutional racism thrown in. I can’t wait.’

However most experts agreed that the games appear likely to pass without incident, after which ‘those whacky terrorists will probably just send another couple of nutters to blow themselves up on the tubes again’, leaving Britain free to pursue that bronze in judo without anxiety.

Shandy

Fans of the 400 mls are delighted that Joe Beckwith from Croydon will be at the helm of this important event. ‘Joe has proved in training that he can drink 400 mls of unbranded vodka in less than ten seconds followed by a whisky chaser, and is virtually guaranteed a gold medal in this prestigious event’ said Brian Carter of the official binge drinking team.

Jumping events, usually the Achilles heel of paralytic sports, are also expected to offer new medal hopes with the ‘Stan the can’ from Glasgow who regularly jumps up to the fourth row at Costco to reach the discounted Tennents Super. The team is hoping to build on the example set by Paula Radcliffe in the 10m urinating competition, and although it’s unlikely to be snowing, would be able to write their own names with great clarity should the weather turn nasty.

Lord Coe thinks it’s important to show the rest of the country how tedious the build up to a bit of running and throwing can be. ‘While most citizens in the UK are thrilled to be caught up in the spectacular cost of London 2012, many have told me that if the Olympic flame were to be carried directly past their living room window, they’d think twice before glancing outside.’

‘I’ve seized on this flicker of interest, had a special stick designed at eye-watering cost, and we’re hitting the road. Our first stop is Hatfield: our marketing people told me that the flame looks marginally more interesting against a very dull background.’

The original reason for choosing a flame to symbolise highly specific and limited physical skills are lost in the mists of time, but Lord Coe believes there are still merits in carrying a naked flame through one of the dampest countries in Europe.

‘It’s a stupid idea, and that’s why the world will be impressed when we pull it off’, said Coe. ‘We’ve gone back to a ‘solid fuel’ design instead of gas, the carrier of the flame simply pushes pre-rolled £50 notes up through the bottom of the stick, where each one will light up the drizzle for nearly a minute.’

‘There’s something very symbolic about burning money in front of the Nation and claiming it’s for their own benefit. But just in case they don’t get the message, I’ve employed a team of urchins to go through the pockets of anyone that comes close enough to gawp. Once they realise it’s their money that’s burning, they’re bound to take a bit of notice eventually.’

Lord Coe defended his decision to burn money both figuratively and literally. ‘We’re on a tight budget, and it’s traditional to come in way over it. People have certain expectations of the organizers of the Olympics, which is why we’re also burning all our spare tickets.’

Looking around the display, one member of the selection committee said, ‘We’re really delighted with the effect of misunderstanding and frustration that these posters are having on those who see them.; what better way to represent London 2012 than to show a number of images which help no-one in any way whatsoever, providing material for worldwide mocking and derision?
’Personally, my favourite is the one with a man running from what seems to be an inescapable apocalypse, which could easily be interpreted as hell itself.
  Now everyone will know what’s coming next year.’

CJWorkman

‘As you’d expect, my officers are on high alert for slightly foreign-looking gentlemen showing any interest at all in the Olympics”, explained Chief Inspector Midsomer.

‘We tracked him for some time, but when he bent down to fiddle with his laces, we thought we might have a shoe bomber on our hands’, said Midsomer. ‘One of my men fired a warning shot, and that was it: he was up on his toes and off. He set a cracking pace, and looked like he could sustain it for anywhere between 800 metres and a mile.’

‘If he hadn’t gone round in a great, big oval, I very much doubt we’d have caught him.’

He will then be surrounded by a team of girters, including International Flonking Committee President Jack ‘Frenchie’ Bogge and Cowes 2012 Charman Lord Po, who will join hands and dance in a circle around him, while he spins around in the opposite direction to the girters and flonks his dwile at them.

Lord Po said the event was a ‘big moment’ for the 2012 Cowes Flonking Organising Committee (Coflog), adding that 23 million ticket applications had been made by almost 12 people, which showed the Games had ‘higher levels of support than any previous international flonking event’.

Despite glitches in the booking system, caused by Committee Secretary Ada Scroggins’s telephone breaking when it fell off her milking stool, 10 out of the 12 applicants have been allocated seats in the Field next August, the others having been reserved for ‘Monsieur’ Bogge and Lord Po, although it is open to them to hand them over to corporates with a client base interested in the commercial possibilities of flonking at the highest international level.

Officials are hoping that the 2012 championships will not see a recurrence of the 2008 ‘swadger’ controversy, when contestants were suspected of using a dwile knitted from man-made fibre instead of the traditional Dutch cloth. Both Flonkers and Girters will also be randomly tested to ensure they have not been sampling ale from the gazunder used between snurds.

Frenchie Bogge emphasised that the International Committee would not tolerate any lowering of standards: ‘The jobanowl (referee) has been instructed to levy drinking penalties on any player found not taking the game seriously enough.’

The redecoration of the Girting Chamber was completed on time and just under the budget of £45.00, and plans are well advanced for the post-championship ‘legacy’ which will see the Chamber reverting to it’s previous use as the public bar of the Stoat and Flagon Inn, available for functions and weddings, at pre-legacy prices, although the pub will also consider offers from West Ham.

‘We realise that many people were disappointed not to get tickets for the proper Olympics’ said Seb Coe, ‘but the introduction of dad’s races should more than make up for it. Tickets are available on a first-come-first-served basis for anyone wanting to watch the parents of world-class athletes embarrass themselves and their offspring in traditional British style.’ Athletics fan Steve Merrigold agreed ‘I was hoping to watch Usain Bolt in the men’s 100m final, but I’ll settle for seeing his dad in the 60ish yard dash.’

Highlights of the new events are expected to be the British dad’s relay team dropping the baton so tripping up the Germans to stop them winning, the cycling race being interrupted by a punch-up between two highly competitive dads and someone British’s dad snapping his hamstring in two halfway through the 60 yard dash.

The dads’ events will be held in a bumpy old field somewhere in Essex, and competitors are expected to fall into two categories – dads who’ve bought new trainers for the event and have been running up and down their road for weeks and dads who’s idea of preparation is a couple of cans of Fosters and a fag before the race starts. ‘We’re all hoping the pissed dads win of course’ said Lord Coe. ‘No-one likes to see those competitive tossers win. And we’ve great hopes for Team GB in the newly introduced three-legged race. Assuming, of course, that they learn to run on two legs first.’