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For the first time ever, alongside streaming services, teenagers emitting ultrasonic squeals of delight will be used in calculating album and singles sales. Pant-wetting, fainting and ‘excitement-induced fainting’ will also form part of a complicated algorithm designed to measure contemporary trends. No longer will music journalists have to consult with dogs as to which high-pitched noise belongs to Beliebers, Directioners or ‘a guy shepherding sheep’.

While tinnitus remains the industry-standard format with which to experience the Top 40, many see the acceptance of screams as an important step in acknowledging the popularity of more obscure tunes.

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Posted: Jun 23rd, 2014
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Veterans, historians and girls with retainers are united today in marking 1D-Day a day of remembrance for ‘our boys’ struggle to overcome lacklustre hair, no musical ability and the Nazi occupation of France. Former groupies, internet trolls and serving members of the armed forces all paid their respect for the loss of melodies, the death of legible tattoos and remembered just how many ears had paid the ultimate sacrifice.

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Posted: Jun 5th, 2014
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UK stoners have said that they would gladly smoke a joint with Zane and Louis from One Direction, just so long as they don’t have to listen to the new album. Although cannabis use is linked to mental health issues, there is no medical evidence to suggest it could possibly make smokers want to hear a 1D track.

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Posted: Jun 2nd, 2014
More from News In Brief

David Cameron has sparked a heated debate after claiming that Britain should be ‘more confident in its status as a country of Directioners’. The PM made his remarks in an interview with Smash Hits magazine, adding that the teachings of Niall, Zayn, Liam, Harry and Louis had shaped British society and inspired its values of tolerance, respect and being beautiful because you don’t know you’re beautiful, baby.

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Posted: Apr 24th, 2014
More from Arts/Entertainment

The Lib-Dems will sensationally reposition its self today in Glasgow by re-launching itself as a Boy Band.

The Band will be known as ‘All Directions’ in line with current party thinking.

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Posted: Sep 17th, 2013
More from Arts/Entertainment