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Posts Tagged ‘Operation Yewtree’

‘Nice criminals’ will be forced to wear Hallowe’en masks

the world's just not terrifying enough yetFollowing the conviction of Rolf Harris for a string of sexual assaults, the Secretary of State for Justice, Chris Grayling, is set to announce sweeping reforms to festive Hallowe’en costumes to aid the public in their identification and eventual demonisation of suspected criminals. The Metropolitan Police admitted, that having exhausted its supply of freaky-looking paedophiles to prosecute, Operation Yewtree will now have to include celebrities people actually like.

Previously the government had implemented a system whereby serial killers agreed to grow beards, molesters were given bad haircuts and tax avoiders were required to dress like George Osborne. Unfortunately, the agreed classification has become undermined by the rise of ‘paedo chic’, which has seen the likes of Russell Brand making ironic use of Ted Bundy’s mojo and Lady Gaga looking like a transgender Jimmy Savile.

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Posted: Jul 1st, 2014
More from UK News



Des Lynam ‘the only man left you can trust’, confirm Yewtree investigators

shouldn't you be at work?Officers investigating allegations of sexual abuse by notable figures from the 60s and 70s have concluded today that, the only man currently alive that’s ‘completely trustworthy’, is veteran TV and radio presenter, Des Lynam.

‘We investigated Des thoroughly, and amazingly, we found zilch’, said one anonymous Yewtree investigator today. ‘We rummaged through his bins, hacked into his computer and interrogated him in a hot room for six days straight, but the guy’s clean. We didn’t even find any evidence of any suspiciously long hugs. We’re now able to confirm that Des Lynam is currently the only celebrity over sixty still at liberty to appear on TV not wearing a pair of handcuffs with a jacket pulled over his head’.

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Posted: Jun 24th, 2014
More from UK News



BBC asks Google to ‘forget the 1970s’

Bosses at the BBC have instructed the tech team at Google to ‘completely forget everything that happened in the 1970s’, after the Internet search giant launched a service to allow Europeans to ask for information and personal data to be removed from online search results.

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Posted: May 31st, 2014
More from Arts/Entertainment



Celebrity prison to be open to the general public

The lay-out, based on London Zoo, will allow celebrities such as Max Clifford and Stuart Hall to be viewed through glass screens with visitors able to listen to recorded information regarding their offences, breeding habits and dietary needs.

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Posted: May 29th, 2014
More from News In Brief



‘Last Man Standing’ award for Tony Blackburn

After months of questioning, investigation and developed vetting, Tony Blackburn has received the Radio Academy Award for being the last DJ from the seventies still at liberty to work.

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Posted: May 13th, 2014
More from News In Brief