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Posts Tagged ‘Operation Yewtree’

Operation Yewtree unearths historic abuse of a beloved ‘immaculate’ celebrity

Operation Yewtree has opened an investigation into remarkable claims that an underage Nazareth girl was the victim of historic child abuse.

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Posted: Aug 24th, 2014
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Celebrities to be fitted with cat bells ‘to give kids a chance’

Under new Home Office guidelines, all celebrities are to be surgically fitted with cat bells so that children can hear them approaching.

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Posted: Aug 5th, 2014
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1970s music fingered in abuse allegations

‘Some of these songs have been used at Guantanamo Bay to torture prisoners. It’s chilling to think that Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep and Tie a Yellow Ribbon were initially tested on British teenagers, whose immune systems were already weakened by Findus Crispy Pancakes and cauliflower cheese.’

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Posted: Jul 5th, 2014
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Bill Oddie ‘will be next’, says massive cock

set to be woken up at 5am by the dawn chorus squadA new twist has emerged in the Operation Yewtree saga as details began to emerge of an undercover operation investigating a well-known ‘bird watcher’.

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Posted: Jul 4th, 2014
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‘Nice criminals’ will be forced to wear Hallowe’en masks

the world's just not terrifying enough yetFollowing the conviction of Rolf Harris for a string of sexual assaults, the Secretary of State for Justice, Chris Grayling, is set to announce sweeping reforms to festive Hallowe’en costumes to aid the public in their identification and eventual demonisation of suspected criminals. The Metropolitan Police admitted, that having exhausted its supply of freaky-looking paedophiles to prosecute, Operation Yewtree will now have to include celebrities people actually like.

Previously the government had implemented a system whereby serial killers agreed to grow beards, molesters were given bad haircuts and tax avoiders were required to dress like George Osborne. Unfortunately, the agreed classification has become undermined by the rise of ‘paedo chic’, which has seen the likes of Russell Brand making ironic use of Ted Bundy’s mojo and Lady Gaga looking like a transgender Jimmy Savile.

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Posted: Jul 1st, 2014
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