‘It’s about brand differentiation,’ said chief executive Terry Leahy, from his secret base under a Pacific island, pausing from being massaged by a Vietnamese girl in a bikini. He then told his henchmen to switch off a clock counting down to the launch of a nuclear missile at Hadleigh, Suffolk, where planning permission for a Tesco superstore was rejected last week, laughing this off as an ‘administrative error’.

‘At the moment you can get a ham and egg sandwich for £1.40 or a ‘Finest’ Wiltshire Cured Ham and Free Range Egg Sandwich on Organic Bread for £2.40,’ Leahy said. ‘From next week, you can also buy an ‘Exquisitely Finer Finest’ Wiltshire Outgoing Ham With GSOH Hand Smoked Over a Turf Fire With Healthy and Athletic Free Range Egg Individually Boiled and Sliced by Rosy-Cheeked Country Maidens on Traditional Irish Organic Soda Bread sandwich for £5.90.’

An initial trial in Leamington Spa met with positive results, with one customer particularly impressed by the Exquisitely Finer Finest range. ‘Sure they cost a little more, but it’s definitely worth the money, you can really taste the extra adjectives,’ he said, before driving over a small furry mammal in his BMW.

Leahy declined to comment on a rumoured extension to the ‘Value’ range. ‘Some of our customers might be prepared to forego euphemisms for a lower price, but there are no current plans for a 69p ‘Value’ Mechanically Rendered Pork Fat Scrapings and Fuck Knows What That Died in a Hen House sandwich,’ he told reporters.

‘For one thing, we’d be giving away all that extra verbiage and charging less into the bargain. And no, of course they’re not all exactly the same ham and egg sandwich anyway,’ he added, pulling a lever and sending a startled director of the Value range into a pool of piranhas. ‘Whatever gave you that idea?’

The chickens’ outspoken sentiments were soon backed by agricultural action across the livestock community, as around the country protesting flocks of organic sheep refused to gambol playfully, and militant herds of Herefordshire cattle bunched together looking in need of a course of antibiotics whenever Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall began filming.

However the hens remain fatalistic. ‘Hand-reared, corn-fed or battery farmed,’ a spokes-hen commented, ‘It doesn’t make a shit of difference when your arse is full of Paxo.’

Mary Evans

Tesco described the ruling as ‘fuel for inflation’. ‘The mud we use may not be technically organic,’ they said, ‘but it’s cheap and genetically modified to ensure a consistently sticky nature, making it economical to apply. That helps to keep costs down and our shareholders happy. People can always add their own mud when they get home.’

Only Waitrose came out of the tests with a clean sheet on their mud, confirming their assertion that that their customers are happy to pay ‘that little bit extra’ for better quality. Their new range of organic vegetables carries the labelling: ‘appearance enhanced by the addition of certified grade-one organic earth, carefully moistened with naturally-filtered Highland Spring Water. Please wash thoroughly before use.’

Regular Tesco shopper Mrs Beryl Patterson said ‘It’s always reassuring when you look inside a box of free-range eggs to see a feather stuck on one of them. Personally, I wouldn’t know the difference between an organic grade feather off a fluffy young chick and a cheap one off a mangy old crow. If some farmer’s youngest is earning sixpence a day sticking them on, well, good for him. Mind you, I’m a bit suspicious about what that grey splurge is that they seem to use for glue.’