Sources close to Mr Brown are claiming that he and Mr Blair reached a deal in 2006 that Mr Blair would move on after four or five years, handing over to his former Chancellor. But Mr Blair’s aides deny that such an agreement would ever have been struck. ‘There’s no way Tony could have reached such a deal,’ said a spokesman. ‘You only have to look at how little he’s managed to achieve between Israel and Palestine to see that there’s still not a snowball’s chance in hell of agreeing to anything with Gordon.’

Diplomats and officials across the region and in Western capitals were scrambling to relieve tensions after Mr Brown’s comments were overheard while he was making a phone call from the back of his car. ‘It’s that Sue’s fault,’ said Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu. ‘When is she going to remember to turn his bloody microphone off, the silly cow?’

Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas, meanwhile, was more sanguine. ‘Maybe Gordon Brown wouldn’t be all that bad,’ he said. ‘We were worried that John Prescott would be next – he stood in for Tony for a week last summer and ended up causing two Intifadas and punching the prime minister of Lebanon in the face. I’d rather have a mobile phone thrown at me than go through all that again.’

See also: Brown wants to be middle East envoy

A furious Mr Ford brushed aside historical claim and counter claim, following his opening question: ‘OK, who started it?’  The Israeli PM looked at the floor when shown pictures of  bomb-scarred streets in Gaza City and asked ‘How would you like it if somebody did that to your home?’  Meanwhile Mr Haniyey nodded assent  that suicide bomb attacks on innocent civilians were ‘not big or clever’.

After an afternoon of  ‘constructive monologe’, both parties agreed to turn over a new leaf, followed by a final reprimand from Mr Ford: ‘You two are your own worst enemies; you’ve let the Roadmap down, you’ve let the Middle East down, but worst of all, you’ve let yourselves down. Now shake hands. Go on…’

Radio 2 Controller Bob Shennan denied that they were banning the song ‘Palestine: Look, it’s Actually Really Complicated’ for reasons of political bias: ‘I can confirm that the song is scrupulously fair and balanced, but why can’t they just sing about war being bad and peace being good like they usually do?’

The single begins with a spoken-word excerpt from the 1917 Balfour Declaration, read by Lily Allen. Verse one is a summation of the 1920 Treaty of Sevres sung by Keane’s Tom Chaplin in authentic Ottoman Turkish, using the non-pentatonic Hejaz musical scale. This leads into the chorus: ‘Oh Palestine, What a bittersweet legacy Churchill left you, With his controversial re-partitioning of 1922.’

A 45 second rap from Dizzee Rascall covers the Irgun terrorist attacks of 1937-1948 and sketches out details of the key European ideologues that have shaped Hamas’ current political ideology. Speaking for ‘Artists…’ Annie Lennox explained ‘To be honest, when I hear all those charity records I used to sing on, I feel really embarrassed; they’re all so trite and simplistic. These are hugely complex issues – even more convoluted as the failed relationships that I sing about between charity projects. It’s about time the fundraising single stopped resorting to glib platitudes.’

In a separate move, Channel 4 has announced it will no longer be premiering the video, due to the absence of crying babies, smiling children or doves with olive sprigs. ‘It’s just a succession of old photos showing old statesmen shaking hands with each other and signing treaties’ complained T4’s director of music Pippa Getty, ‘What’s edgy about that?’ Radio 1 has also banned the single, but not for reasons of geo-political complexity: ‘I don’t care if it explains the whole Palestinian problem and offers a workable solution’ said the station’s controller; ‘it’s got Sting and Annie Lennox on it for fuck’s sake.’

Skylarking

The UN’s world leaders exchange programme gets underway today with the Israeli Prime Minister and the President of the Palestinian National Authority (PNA) beginning a two-week job-swap. The scheme is intended to promote greater understanding and co-operation between nations, and it is hoped the first role reversal will lead to a lasting peace in the Middle East.

Under the rules of the exchange, Ehud Olmert and Mahmoud Abbas must for the first week follow the policies already laid down by their opposite number. However, at the midway point of the swap each will take sole charge of their adoptive government and introduce their own policies in a twist that the UN is dubbing ’regime change’.

‘I’m really looking forward to it,’ said Israeli Prime Minister Olmert today. ‘It’ll be nice just to hang out with the Palestinians for a while and see how they operate. I’m hoping they’ll come to understand that if all the people in the West Bank just budged up a little, then that would really make life more comfortable for us Israelis. Plus I’m told that the Gaza Strip is one of the best places on the planet to launch rockets from, so I’m really looking forward to that.’

PNA President Mahmoud Abbas was also in positive spirits. ‘I’ve got relatives in the building trade, and they’re really jealous that I’ll get to put up some settlements in the West Bank without having to worry about formalities like planning permission. But top of the to-do list for week two is definitely the transfer of the deeds to East Jerusalem and the Golan Heights into Palestinian hands. Should be good.’

Assuming the inaugural exchange is a success, the UN has a number of further job swaps lined up. Hugo Chavez is pencilled in to trade places with staid German premier Angela Merkel in January, while Gordon Brown is due to swap with Afghan leader Hamid Karzai in March. It is anticipated that Brown’s experience in reining in rebellious Labour backbenchers will stand him in good stead for trying to reconcile the warring Afghan tribes. Meanwhile, as part of its potential future leaders scheme, the UN has confirmed that Conservative Party leader David Cameron will spend the 2009 parliamentary season on loan at Plymouth Argyle.

There was a champagne reception for Tony Blair yesterday as he left his job as Middle East Peace envoy surrounded by bouquets and cards congratulating him on a job well done.

‘It just shows that if you set your mind to something it can be achieved. I’m not pretending that it wasn’t difficult at times, that there weren’t huge obstacles to be overcome, but I think we can look back at where Israel/Palestine was when I started on this job eighteen months ago and agree that the peace situation is very different now.’

President Bush paid tribute to the achievement of Tony Blair and acknowledged that the former British PM was one of the few people to have done more for peace in the Middle East than President Bush himself. ‘Some folks didn’t think it was achievementable, but Blair has helped implementated a lasting piece of cord.’

Tony Blair is now said to be considering other challenges; among them, reversing the credit crunch and ending global warming, although his flight home from Israel was apparently delayed due to safety concerns in the Gaza area.

Later on, a late night caller to a local radio station explained that there was in fact a lasting solution to the Palestinian problem. ‘They should just get in there and sort it all out’ explained gatehouse attendant Bryan Duffy. ‘Somebody should get in there and bang some heads together.’ Peace is expected to follow as soon as this formula is implemented.

See also Tony Blair to reunite branches of Islam

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The hug itself was initially an awkward affair with nobody sure how to start. Blair apparently just gave Abbas a toothy grin and a big cuddle and the rest nervously joined in. As centuries of bloodshed, conflict and tension evaporated into the air the men appeared visibly moved by the experience. Afterwards all meditated as scented lavender candles and recorded whale song drifted through the air. Then the various participants sat crossed-legged in a symbolic circle and shouted compliments and declarations of love at one another.

The innovative new age approach was apparently the suggestion of Tony Blair’s son Leo who’d heard about group hugging at school and had personally witnessed the technique being used in his kitchen between his father, Uncle Peter and Uncle Gordon.

Later a relaxed Abbas said ‘It’s all so silly really when you think about it. It’s only religion, history and land; what’s to fall out about? Olmert agreed saying ‘We really should be working together for a better world, addressing global problems like poverty, climate change and the crisis in Darfur. Anyway, it’s only a matter of time before most of the world is at war with China so a bit of unity amongst the rest of us sort of felt appropriate.’

‘The Prime Minister job was only a staging post,’ explained the anonymous Downing Street source. ‘The two had always agreed that Gordon would use his brief time at Number 10 to go on try and solve the complex problems of Arab-Israeli relations.’

The claim comes amid rumours that the newly-installed Prime Minister has been distinctly under-whelmed by his new position. A long term friend of the new Prime Minister has revealed, ‘yeah, he’s mailed me a few times, a couple of texts too. I think he’s bored out of his mind to tell you the truth. I suppose that once you’ve met the Queen, checked out the nuclear attack button and had a swivel on the big chair, it’s a bit of a let down after that.’

It had been expected that the excitement and magnitude of such a huge job would have the former Chancellor’s adrenaline pumping, however the anonymous source added, ‘after the first couple of days excitement and ceremony it’s all kind of fizzled out. Perhaps it was jealousy; maybe didn’t want to be in the job as much as he wanted Tony out of it.’

Downing Street staff have attempted to keep their new boss feeling excited about work by buying him a novelty basketball litter bin and a big book of Sudoku puzzles. But his last working day involved him simply writing ‘List Of Things To Do’ and then struggling to put anything down on the pad apart from ‘Write List’.

Tony Blair is now coming under increasing pressure to name the day when he will step down as ‘Middle East Envoy’ and let his old rival take his place. One suggestion was to send both of them to the Middle East. ‘That should put the rest of the fighting there into perspective.’