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Posts Tagged ‘parody’

Waiting times to assault NHS staff ‘have tripled’, finds study

free-for-all at the point of needThe latest report on the performance of the NHS has found a familiar but depressing picture of Accident and Emergency rooms full of people who have waited up to three hours to launch an unprovoked physical attack on a medical orderly or nurse.

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Posted: Dec 11th, 2014
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Trumpton constituency “winnable”, say UKIP

The marginal constituency of Trumpton East & Chigley is “absolutely on our list of winnable seats”, says UKIP, after persuading local residents that it is actually a real party, not something made up to entertain children.

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Posted: Dec 8th, 2014
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Scientists claim 2013 may have shortest February on record

predictions made after consulting horoscopesResearchers at the Institute for Applied Theoretics, in Basel, France, claim that climate change is increasing the risk of shorter Februaries, and predict that in 2013 the month will be exceptionally short.

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Posted: Dec 8th, 2014
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Private schools must be more patronising to keep tax relief

A*Labour’s education spokesman, Tristram Hunt has announced plans to make private schools’ tax breaks conditional on being a lot more patronising towards state schools.  ‘Some independent schools are already being extremely patronising and we welcome that, but if the sector as a whole is dodging tax to the tune of £165 million a year they must elucidate why they think they’re totally superior in every possible way.’

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Posted: Dec 8th, 2014
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Father Christmas bemoans zero hours contract

exclusivity deal means he can't work anywhere elsePopular present delivery service Father Christmas has called on the Government to do more to prevent the use of controversial zero hours contracts. ‘Don’t get me wrong,’ he explained, ‘it’s better than being unemployed, but I just have to wait around all year waiting for the call to say they’ve got some work for me. Did you know, I’ve only done 500 days work in the last 500 years? If it wasn’t for all the mince pies I can grab on Christmas Eve I don’t think I’d survive the year.’

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Posted: Dec 6th, 2014
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