Programming expert Colin Berwick explained ‘we are extremely concerned by this new development. We’ve feared for some time that the usual glitches of frozen screens and error messages might mutate into new, even more annoying ways to frustrate users, but this is particularly worrying. Bugs that are resistant to turning off and on – that’s truly frightening.’

The Government has appealed for calm but warned that it could take up to six months to create and produce a vaccine against the new resistant strain. It did however admit that it isn’t really all that bothered as they’ve all recently bought ‘lovely new Macbooks’ on expenses.

Ablative Fabsolute

An earth-moving device

A new Government diktat will stop ordinary people from using the phrase ‘political correctness gone mad’, requiring them instead to describe any act of well-meaning but ill-thought-out officiousness as ‘political correctness suffering from a mental health issue that affects one in three people’.

‘All we are trying to do is urge people to use alternative phrases which take a more enlightened and less judgemental approach to the state of mental and emotional disarray that political correctness sadly finds itself in,’ said a spokesman.

But the move has angered many. ‘This is outrageous,’ said a farmer from Chipping Norton. ‘I’ve been describing everything as political correctness gone mad for years. It’s, it’s… It’s political correctness afflicted by a regrettable but all too common condition which should not be stigmatised, is what it is.’

Nigel Drake, a software analyst with Drayton Mann, said: ‘Honestly, when was the last time you actually downloaded a ‘critical’ update or patch from Microsoft, and it made any difference to anything you were doing? The screen doesn’t change, it doesn’t go any faster, it doesn’t stop getting attacked by viruses, it doesn’t boot up quicker, in fact if anything it gets slower and then your whole screen goes black.’

The updates, which are simultaneously offered to users in 82 countries, are programmed to make their presence known in a variety of annoying ways – as soon as the machine is switched on; before the machine can be switched off or in the case of modern Windows systems as soon as the machine detects the user is engaged in any activity of importance or interest.

‘Windows Updates are not compulsory,’ said a Microsoft spokesperson, ‘and the user has the option of simply switching off the prompts and ignoring them.’ However, Paul Strickland, who recently purchased Microsoft’s new Windows 7 package, said that when he turned off alerts and ignored updates he noticed that events took a sinister turn. ‘At first it was just harmlessly irritating, as usual. I’d get a message saying ‘you’ve turned off alerts’ every time I used the machine. Then when I was working it would randomly flash up ‘hey, you’re missing out on important updates’. A little later the machine began unexpectedly crashing, and I got a message saying ‘you were warned’.

The next day my wife’s car was mysteriously run off the road by a strange black utility vehicle, and I found that all evidence of my existence, bank details, driving licence… had been completely wiped off every database on earth. It might just have been an innocent glitch, but all I know is that when I switched the alerts back on everything returned to normal. So now I consider the endless pop-ups, flashing icons, warning gong sounds or system freezes a small price to pay for my family’s safety.’

Microsoft has turned down all interview requests, and has put the case in the hands of its lawyers, Munro Gibson. A partner at the firm issued a statement on his client’s behalf, which said, ‘While Microsoft regrets that Windows Updates serve no useful purpose other than providing a safety valve for people driven slowly mad by writing endless code, we deny any wrongdoing. We feel it only fair to add that we are aware of where you live and how old is little Katie now, she must be, what, about five years old? They’re so vulnerable at that age.’

Jobs admitted that the upgrade had been brought forward at short notice and he hoped that another upgrade would not be required for some time. However, doctors admitted today that there is a ‘serious risk’ that the new liver may reject Mr Jobs, after it was revealed that the original owner, Wayne Fragg, was exclusively a Windows PC user.

Transplant specialists are concerned that the new organ may not install itself properly in Steve Jobs’ system, and after a while could give up trying to run altogether.

‘We had the same problem with the heart monitors during the operation,’ revealed the surgeon who carried out the procedure. ‘At first the cables wouldn’t fit into Mr Jobs’ body, then when we managed to find an adapter plug thingy, the monitors just wouldn’t work. Even my son Kevin, who’s good with computers, couldn’t sort it out. In the end we had to give up and plug them into someone else.’

Seamus Nottrew and Rickwestwell

Software giant Microsoft has admitted that the launch of the latest Stephen Hawking upgrade has had to be delayed due to problems with the new operating system, which keeps crashing whenever asked to calculate when the universe began.

The announcement is the latest in a series of setbacks to the Stephen Hawking Vista, including a Max-Headroom-type stutter, a tendency to cause the user to binge drink and an unexplained tendency to say ‘physics is shit, physics is shit’.

But retiring Microsoft supremo Bill Gates preferred to concentrate on the benefits that the new version will bring. ‘Vista offers the user a vastly improved voice synthesiser with a choice of forty voices including Darth Vader, Donald Duck, Tom Baker and Kenny from South Park. It also features new bolt-ons such as a built in MP3 player and a teasmade.’

But for the time being users can only access the traditional Stephen Hawking voice which has proved so popular with Radiohead fans who entering the lyrics to ‘Fitter, Happier’. Hopes that Stephen Hawking could be used for advertising voice-overs and football commentary have suffered a set-back. The launch has now been rescheduled to early 2009, or as the Stephen Hawking Vista described it ‘1970’.

‘Today is a big day. This cardigan marks a new era in smart-casual for us’, Gates told the enthralled delegates. ‘The double pockets can hold more parallel Biro’s than previous cardigans, and the combination of a zip and buttons makes this the most secure cardy I have ever worn. The sleeves can be pushed up in warmer weather and further security add-ons such as leather elbow patches can be purchased separately.’

Cardigan 2007 is predicted to have 100m wearers worldwide within the next 12 months, but there are some concerns that the skinny, slightly geek-like fit will not be suitable for every body shape. Gates has pledged to continue to support the open-neck-ironed-shirt-no-tie look for another five years but his company is pushing hard to get everyone into cardigans as soon as possible.

However Microsoft may soon find their share of the market under challenge. Rumours from Apple suggest that Steve Jobs is now planning to bring forward the launch of his much anticipated ‘Polo-neck Pro’.