Lauren Thomas of Surbiton says she definitely regrets opting for an extension. ‘I started getting the spam email, but instead of deleting it I thought what a good idea it would be for John as a birthday present.’ After spending the next three months persuading John not to take it personally, she got him to try all the expensive exercises, creams and gadgets but found they had virtually no effect.

They decided the only option was surgery, for which they took out a second mortgage, but the results were disappointing. Eventually Lauren realised her mistake and moved in with ‘two hander’ Brett the tennis coach, and says that the inconvenience and disruption were well worth her while.

TV property guru Kirstie Allsopp was quick to agree with Lauren. ‘Even a good extension only leaves you with basically the same bloke after all that upheaval,’ she said, ‘while a botched job or a DIY effort can be worse than useless. Mind you, any man who says it’s not size that matters but location, location, location gets short shrift from me. Give me a decent whanger any day.’

The Mail said that despite this, the usual best ways of adding value to a home could do the same for a man’s sex appeal, such as a good clean-up, using empty space up top more imaginatively or simply paying for a new kitchen and bathroom.

The Government has decreed that all high-powered sports cars will have to comply with a new law designed to reduce carbon emissions. From January 1st all cars with an engine size of greater than three litres will have to display a separate license, similar to a taxi plate, clearly stating the size of the driver’s penis.
Porsche have claimed that their decision to withdraw completely from the UK market on the same date is ‘entirely coincidental’
and denied that their customers would be the worst affected.

Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson blasted the idea before announcing that he had succumbed to ‘Global Warming guilt’ and was downgrading his car to a one point three Renault. ‘Little’ Richard Hammond however was surprisingly seen at the Ferrari showroom smugly ordering a top of the range model and an illuminated plate.

Other British drivers have been lobbying the Government to embrace the metric system so that six inches may appear as a bold fifteen cm.. Female motorists welcomed the move and are exempt from the law by default. ‘It’s not just a matter of anatomy’ explained the Transport Minister. ‘Very few women are attracted to these brash and expensive vehicles, though the ones that are might have to display the penis size of their footballer husband.’

Another law was blocked by SUV drivers who won an appeal against their IQs being displayed on their cars. It was successfully argued that in the vast majority of cases the simple 4 x 4 multiplication on the back of their vehicles already gave the correct answer.

See also Jeremy Clarkson launches ‘Squashed Animal Watch’