Hopes are high for the success of the new innovation, which builds on previous systems of roadside traffic monitoring that use LED displays to flash up the speed of each car as it passes through dangerous stretches of road. The new device also takes an estimate of the driver’s IQ, based on factors such as the presence of car bumper stickers of any description, whether the stereo system’s bass speaker is of greater value than the car itself, and if the driver is tailgating while simultaneously texting and eating an Egg McMuffin.

The new system has drawn criticism, however. Early reports suggest that many drivers are assuming scores of less than 100 are not for them, but for the car behind them, even when they are travelling on empty stretches of dual carriageway with a jacket on a coat hanger clearly on view through the backseat window. There were also indications that irresponsible motorists might take needless risks to test the technology, and it was rumoured that motoring show Top Gear was planning a challenge to see which of the presenters could deliberately record the lowest IQ score while driving in reverse through a school crossing zone. However the feature was cancelled, and the new monitors slammed by presenter Jeremy Clarkson as being ‘as pointless and boring as a feminism professor driving a 1980s Volvo to a Greenpeace mime festival with an engine powered by recycled mung beans’, after the sign kept flashing ‘MORON’ at him before he’d even started trying.

Despite the doubts, the Department of Transport insist that the new scheme is only the beginning of shame-based efforts to improve road safety. ‘Using its unique length/attitude algorithm, the upcoming Penis Size Estimator will not only inform motorists how stupidly they’re driving, but with its high definition Crooked Pinkie Finger graphics, will let everyone else know the driver’s other deficiencies’ promised a DoT spokesman. ‘We’ll have it on the streets just as soon as we can stop the whole thing breaking down whenever it registers a pony-tailed middle-aged man in a convertible sports car.’

One satisfied lady owner

A motorist from Stoke Newington has admitted that his newly-acquired little runaround was actually purchased as compensation for his tremendously large penis.  Generously-endowed John ‘Holmes’ Harrison initially told acquaintances that he bought his 2008 Ford Ka for its road-handling, unique design features and ability to park in tight spots, but friends quickly saw through the story.  ‘John has always been insecure about his huge hampton,’ said his girlfriend, ‘and no amount of hyperbole about power-assisted steering could conceal his longcomings.’

Harrison’s admission has drawn criticism from TV personality Jeremy Clarkson.  ‘This guy is a sad loser who needs to get a life and deal with his penis issues,’ spat the Top Gear frontman before roaring off in his whopping twin-turbocharged, 670 brake horsepower, 6.0 litre SL65 AMG Black Series Mercedes Benz.

The Government has decreed that all high-powered sports cars will have to comply with a new law designed to reduce carbon emissions. From January 1st all cars with an engine size of greater than three litres will have to display a separate license, similar to a taxi plate, clearly stating the size of the driver’s penis.
Porsche have claimed that their decision to withdraw completely from the UK market on the same date is ‘entirely coincidental’
and denied that their customers would be the worst affected.

Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson blasted the idea before announcing that he had succumbed to ‘Global Warming guilt’ and was downgrading his car to a one point three Renault. ‘Little’ Richard Hammond however was surprisingly seen at the Ferrari showroom smugly ordering a top of the range model and an illuminated plate.

Other British drivers have been lobbying the Government to embrace the metric system so that six inches may appear as a bold fifteen cm.. Female motorists welcomed the move and are exempt from the law by default. ‘It’s not just a matter of anatomy’ explained the Transport Minister. ‘Very few women are attracted to these brash and expensive vehicles, though the ones that are might have to display the penis size of their footballer husband.’

Another law was blocked by SUV drivers who won an appeal against their IQs being displayed on their cars. It was successfully argued that in the vast majority of cases the simple 4 x 4 multiplication on the back of their vehicles already gave the correct answer.

See also Jeremy Clarkson launches ‘Squashed Animal Watch’