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Posts Tagged ‘pensioners’

Pensioners helpfully reminded ‘your days are numbered’

Pensions Minister Steve Webb has proposed that all of the UK’s OAPs should be given a stark reality check in terms of life expectancy. Mr Webb’s understandable concern is that the elderly are unaware of their own mortality and that previous attempts to pursue them with dark storm clouds, circling vultures and ‘a dyspeptic hobgoblin carrying an oversized hourglass’ did not have ‘the desired impact’.

Initially there will be a leaflet campaign depicting images of ‘memento mori’, ‘broken mirrors’ and stills from the ‘Final Destination’ movie franchise. This will be supplemented with a visit by a blind pirate bearing the black-spot, quickly followed by the erection of a glowing white tunnel outside their front door. If the pensioner has still not ‘got the hint’, they will be given a face-to-face consultation with a wailing banshee.

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Posted: Apr 18th, 2014
More from Health



Pensioners offered chance to hibernate

Sales of HobNobs expected to plummet.

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Posted: Dec 18th, 2013
More from From The Archives



Gangs of pensioners conspire to bring country to halt with lunchtime queuing

An undercover police operation has revealed that a Mafia-like organisation is behind the huge number of retired people queuing in banks and post offices during lunchtimes.

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Posted: Dec 6th, 2013
More from UK News



Tesco bag spotted in Isle of Wight airspace

attempts by the small community to shoot it down failed miserablyThere were shocking scenes on the Isle of Wight, yesterday, after a Tesco plastic bag was spotted floating dangerously close to pensioners as they tended their root vegetables in the afternoon sun.

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Posted: Sep 25th, 2013
More from Isle of Wight News



Labour reveal plans to scrap winter for retired top rate tax payers

Labour has revealed its plans to help higher rate tax-paying pensioners by scrapping winter for anyone earning over £40k a year.

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls told reporters, ‘ As Labour is the party of inclusivity, we wanted to show that we strive to help those more fortunate than ourselves.’

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Posted: Jun 4th, 2013
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