‘They were all really pleased,’ she added, ‘A full buffet with baked beans and sausages was provided for the visit but Princess Anne didn’t even take a bread roll, which left the whole lot for the old folks.’

The Princess has been reported in the past as requesting full dinner services for her visits, so managers at Sunshine Towers really pushed the boat out, even with a limited budget. Little ham sandwiches and pre-sliced tomatoes were stacked carefully on a trestle table, clearly visible in the background of a photograph of her shaking the hand of a confused woman in a wheelchair.

Albert Peterson, 92, has been a ‘bronze standard’ resident at the home for 7 years, and has never had access to such a magnificent banquet. ‘You see, us peoples on bronze level only gets some porridge in the morning and a banana for tea; those little pineapple chunks on sticks is only seen at Christmas’. Ms Phillips noted that bronze standard residents do get the best possible food for their £98 per day fee, and that gold level customers paying £147 also get a KitKat for lunch, 3 cups of tea and a glass of water to take their medication with.

She was unwilling to confirm whether the toilet roll left behind by the Princess would also be shared out between the residents.

kimllfixit

‘We have found OAPs down country lanes, in other people’s sheds, and even one who had been put in a sack with bricks and thrown in the canal,’ said John Hert, head of pensioner welfare at Battersea Dogs Home. ‘By giving them a large cage, food three times a day and a walk at lunchtime, we are providing a standard of living way above that provided in a care home.’

The home managers have encountered many shocking stories. ‘My relatives took me to a park and told me they would be back in a minute,’ said 77-year-old Doug. ‘After three weeks I realised they weren’t coming back.’

As the festive season approaches, relatives of the elderly are being reminded that old people are for life, not just for Christmas.

‘When you’re wearing as much knitwear and tweed as some pensioners, just turning the central heating up a notch too high can easily spell disaster,’ said a spokesman. ‘Their dry, wrinkly skin is like paper – they go up in seconds.’

Tory ministers believe that the overheating of homes every winter by the elderly needs to be tackled. ‘Just because we give people £200 is no excuse to go mad with the heating,’ said one Minister. ‘I’ve been in some of their homes – they’d be better off spending the money on fans.’

The Government has suggested that if an elderly person does spontaneously combust, others should gather round to warm themselves by the fire while it lasts.

roybland (hat-tip to writinginbsl)

‘Our centre offers the perfect place to keep the island’s key demographic occupied,’ said founder, Margret Briscoe, ‘and is ideally situated just a short bus ride from Sandown’s glamorous benches, bingo halls and fracture clinic. And for grandchildren, it’s great to be able just to switch off for a few moments safe in the knowledge that their doddery relatives won’t come to any harm in the blanket pit.’

Attractions at CodgerWorld include theme park favourites such as the Tea Cup ride, where pensioners are seated at tables and challenged to get more tea in their mouth than in their saucer, and the Dodgems, where drivers must guide their mobility scooters around a pedestrianized track and avoid potentially fatal crashes at speeds of up to 2mph. There is also a chill-out zone where overexcited geriatrics can relax in comfy chairs in front of re-runs of Countdown, and the temperature throughout the park has been set to a pleasant 27 degrees, allowing some elderly visitors to undo their duffel coats in the summer months.

Although the centre has received a positive response from most visitors, Mrs Briscoe admits that there have been some problems. ‘Queuing is an issue as it can take a little while for each visitor to get up the giant slide, but we just can’t get the stairlifts to go any faster. Luckily most pensioners think the queues themselves are one of the rides, but for those who really don’t have the time to waste, we have express ‘Eight years to live or fewer’ queues.’

‘I haven’t had so much fun since last week’s bridge night,’ said satisfied customer, 85-year-old Ethel Crosby, proudly wearing her I-Can’t-Remember-What-I-Came-Into-CodgerWorld-For badge. ‘Fracturing my hip on the aerial runway was a low point, but thankfully they sold replacements in the gift shop. Mind you, I wish I’d picked up some incontinence pads before I went on the trampolines.’

jp1885 and Qorbeq

A spokesman told reporters ‘a vast number of people have put in their time at work and are looking forward to spending their last days in retirement learning how to annoy younger members of their family with their stubborn misunderstanding of innocent conversations. Many plan to spend their time advising their adult children of the dangers of popular music and the internet, and how Islamic immigration causes cancer. It is a sad day indeed that these people are now expected to work significantly longer and therefore remain under the influence of rationality, perspective, and clear thought.’

The Daily Mail is backing the campaign, and said that it was outraged at what it called a ‘heartless attack on its traditional readership’.

fernandomando

Police say the sock is ‘blue and shaped like a foot’ and went missing while in transit between Mr Smith’s laundry basket and his washing machine. Mr Smith believes ‘someone walked off’ with it.

An Avon police spokesman said that the force took all crime seriously. ‘A missing sick might not matter to a one-legged man,’ the spokesman said, ‘but it matters to the ordinary Bristolian and we’re determined to locate its whereabouts.’

But criminologists argue that sock theft increased dramatically when the police stopped patrolling in pairs.

‘Our employees are made well aware from the outset of the high levels of faffing about that we expect from them,’ said Mr Drummond. ‘For example, they need to rearrange all the stock at least four times a day, preferably at the busiest times, and spend as much time as possible chatting to friends, blocking aisles and standing in front of displays so as to prevent customers accessing them.’

‘It’s also vital that volunteers spend time wandering round the shop picking out the best stuff for themselves, with some going on to specialise in choosing totally unsuitable toys for their grandchildren, which does take a certain skill. And of course, on no account whatsoever must anyone be able to use the till without first having to get John from upstairs.’

The hearing was told that Mrs Evans displayed none of these qualities, appearing in every respect as competent as a normal shop worker, and as such brought the industry into disrepute.

Mrs Evans admitted that she had found the requirements of the role difficult. ‘At first, all I had to do was to put stickers on the clothes showing the wrong sizes, it was fine. But when they asked me to push all the displays close together to stop push-chairs getting through, and put big stickers on all the books and CDs so that you can’t read what they are – well, I just couldn’t cope.’

The case continues, but the British Heart Foundation has assured shoppers that Mrs Evans has been taken off frontline duties and is now working at head office spraying donated clothes with that faint smell of urine.

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PC Jim Wakes (6 feet 9 inches), and one of the first decoy grannies to hit the streets, recalled the first time he apprehended a mugger. ‘The look on his face when I straightened up and smacked him round the head with my handbag and knitting-needled him, was a sight to behold,’ he said, adjusting his headscarf, padded bra and moustache.

But experienced mugger ‘Mad’ Mick Miller (17) said that he had no worries about decoy grannies. ‘I was going for this granny as she was coming out of the post office with her pension, when she straightened up and turned into the Old Bill. I was off with the pension, a two-way radio and a police whistle. The Old Bill had no chance of catching me what with him wearing carpet slippers.’