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Posts Tagged ‘Peter Mandelson’

Politicians to replace faulty moral compass with new Ethical Sat Nav

Members of Parliament need never get lost againMPs are preparing for the arrival of a new piece of wearable technology that will help them navigate difficult terrain and always guide them towards the high moral ground.

The EPS, or Ethical Positioning System, operates by triangulating a person’s political standpoint via a number of morally aware ‘smart satellites’. If a politician starts to veer off course, perhaps about to break a manifesto pledge, the Sat Nav will interrupt with the message: ‘You are no longer on the agreed route, please perform a U-turn now.’

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Posted: Jan 7th, 2014
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Di Canio annexes Hartlepool United

Hartlepool United was absorbed into greater Sunderland AFC last night in a move described as an ‘historic union of ethnically north eastern football supporters’ by Sunderland’s leader Paolo Di Canio.

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Posted: Apr 3rd, 2013
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Mandelson celebrates thousandth thing that really annoys the Tories

In an exclusive interview in the bowels of his Whitehall lair, Lord Mandelson celebrates needling the Tories for the landmark 1,000th time since 1997.

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Posted: May 11th, 2010
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Apocalypse hitch as four horses quarantined by UK Border Agency

The End of Days has been put on hold after the UK Border Agency quarantined the horses used by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse on their arrival in Britain.

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Posted: Nov 27th, 2009
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New look Brown returns from holiday as Lord Mandelson goes missing

New Labour, new agendaA spritely, slim line Gordon Brown returned to Downing Street today, looking a changed man following his four week holiday. The Prime Minister’s new look caused gasps from some observers as he took his first press conference since July. ‘I hardly recognised him’ said one seasoned journalist, ‘He vaguely reminded me of someone else, but I can’t quite think who.’

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Posted: Aug 26th, 2009
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