‘It was all going so well for them, wasn’t it?’ says Lord Mandelson from his plush velour chaise-longue deep in the bowels of Whitehall, ‘but then, I had to do it. In truth, couldn’t stop myself. To see George Osborne’s lip quivering with frustration: well, in all honesty…it excites me.’

Lord Mandelson’s unparalleled record of riling the toffs began in 1997, and in the intervening years he has been personally responsible for making the Conservative Party rage and seethe like never before, achieving an astonishing 999 irritations including three resignations and spiking George Osborne’s drink while sharing a Russian magnate’s yacht. By persuading the Prime Minister to quit in the middle of delicate Lib Dem/Tory coalition negotiations, he has finally reached four figures, and an orgy of celebration is underway inside his exquisite hideaway.

‘There’s no need to be complacent, despite my fabulous form,’ he said, ‘although I think we’ve done all we need to for now, and may take a different approach in future. I’ve primed Ed Balls to sneak up on any Tory he finds giving an interview to camera, give him a swift kick up the arse, and run away cackling. Bow ties will be undone mid-speech by that little streak of ginger mischief Hazel Blears, and if any of them turn up in braces then the Millibands will be there, one each side, to give them a good twang, or perhaps snip them with scissors if the trousers in question are loose-fitting enough to give rise to further exploitable benefits.

‘But it doesn’t stop there – oh, no. I’ve got a long, long way to go yet before I’m finished with them,’ he intones enigmatically, before raising his hands to the heavens, sighing at his own brilliance and disappearing in a puff of blue smoke.

‘We were alerted to a problem when a fiery red horse galloped across the night sky towards west London,’ said an official.  ‘We need to ensure they don’t represent a disease risk to UK livestock.’

‘Of course they’re a disease risk,’ admitted one rider, Pestilence.  ‘This was meant to usher in the Apocalypse, but now we’ve got to sit around for ages and complete a ton of paperwork.  Lord Mandelson is going to be furious – now he’ll have to spend another six months on earth as Business Secretary instead.’

Inspired by ajblacker

Speaking in a slightly hesitant voice, the Prime Minister attributed his new looks to ‘relaxation and plenty of fresh air’ and, in response to a question about the controversial American criticism of the National Heath Service, paid tribute to NHS professionals ‘especially the dedicated skills of the plastic surgery teams.’

In an unexpected move, Mr Brown then announced a number of shock initiatives, including the return of Alastair Campbell as Director of Communications and, most surprisingly, a Peerage for Tony Blair, who as Lord Blair, will become deputy Prime Minister. Mr Brown commented ;It’s great to have him back on board. Despite what you read in the press, Tone and I have always been good friends.’

Mr Brown’s return coincided with the extension of Lord Mandelson’s holiday from his duties as Business Secretary. There is growing speculation in Westminster circles concerning Lord Mandelson, who has not been seen in public since he was admitted to hospital for treatment for what was described as a ‘prostrate condition’. Sensing that Mandelson’s ailment may be more serious than previously revealed, newshounds have been checking nursing homes but have failed to find any trace of him.

Veronica Grant, matron of St. Cuthbert’s, a nursing home for retired politicians, said ‘We’ve had journalists phoning all day long, but was can categorically state that Lord Mandelson is not here.’ adding ‘It’s pretty quiet here at the moment. The only admission this week has been a man who insists that he is the Prime Minister, but the poor chap is clearly barking. He doesn’t look a bit like the man we watched on BBC News today.’

A public statement was later issued by a man claiming to be the head of the Serious Fraud Office, a Mr M. Mouse, who said: ‘This is a very serious allegation and I intend to investigate it fully. If it turns out that we don’t exist I shall be absolutely furious.’ Mr Mouse rejected suggestions that he might himself be counterfeit and said that his identity had been independently verified by his colleague, Mr D. Duck.

A number of professional criminals have already lodged complaints that their fraudulent activities were being unfairly investigated by a fictitious organisation. One fraudster said, ‘I don’t pay my taxes for this kind of thing to happen…in fact, come to think of it, I don’t pay my taxes.’ Another said, ‘I conducted my criminal activities in good faith, believing that the Serious Fraud Office were watching my every move, but now it turns out they don’t even exist. I feel let down and betrayed.’

The inquiry will be headed by Chief Investigating Officer, Keyser Soze. ‘It may take several months to conclude our inquiries’, said Mr Soze, ‘but that’s the problem with these imaginary organisations. One minute they’re there and then, like that…they’re gone.’

‘It’s not right that men are simply allowed to carry these things around,’ said Business Secretary Peter Mandelson, the newly-moustachioed face of the Government’s ‘Stop the Shave Trade’ campaign.  ‘Previous amnesties have seen thousands of 3 and 4-blade razors taken off the streets, but we now suspect their owners were simply moving onto the more deadly 5 and 7-blade razors.  It’s just not right that these things are available over the counter and are then left around in homes without even so much as codes for the lock on the bathroom cabinet.’

It is understood that the major manufacturers of razors are set to agree an ambitious timetable to phase out multi-blades, with 7-blade razors to be out of service by 2015 and 5-blade devices decommissioned by 2020.  But the scale of the challenge was underlined last night when Russia insisted that it could see no circumstances in which it would relinquish its arsenal of profile-enhancing agricultural scythes.

While international efforts are focused on finding a road-map to safe shaving, the Government admits that there is much to do to overcome the culture of multi-blade razor use.  ‘Our message to these young men is that you are fine with an ordinary single-blade disposable,’ said Peter Mandelson.  ‘You don’t need these 5, 6 and 7-blade beasts.  Please don’t fall for the macho claims of the manufacturers.’

However, Mr Mandelson did admit when pressed that if a man reverted to a single-blade razor it would almost certainly mean that the pretty, underdressed woman who takes such pleasure in the quality of his shave would announce that she’s moving out.  Though on the plus side, his bathroom would no longer be under a fighter-jet flight path.

By Immac

Spending our way out of recession

Business Secretary Peter Mandelson today proudly reported that the sector servicing the professional needs of Members of Parliament achieved record growth during the last year.  He attributed the increase in expenses to the enormous quantity of work MPs are getting through, and to the wisdom of light-touch regulation.

‘These figures are evidence of the first green shoots of recovery,’ Mandelson told MPs.  ‘We have injected billions into the markets to stimulate the economy, and that’s not bad going for only 646 of us with a small back-room staff of predominantly family members.’  Unfortunately Mr Mandelson had to cut short his statement as he had a number of DVDs at his second home which needed returning before 9pm if the taxpayer wasn’t going to incur a small but inconvenient fine.

Business Secretary Lord Mandelson refused to be drawn on reports that he plans human sacrifices as part of the government’s latest attempts to stem the economic downturn.

‘The gods are angry’ Lord Mandelson explained, ‘but the government has always maintained that blood sacrifices are a last resort. However, as we don’t seem to be getting anywhere with the goat or chicken entrails, more drastic steps may have to be taken.’

It is believed that immediately after the holiday period the governors of the Bank of England dressed in hooded robes were summoned to a pentangle deep in the bank’s vaults. Lord Mandelson wearing a deaths-head mask and carrying a curved blade is then said to have killed various livestock on a stone altar in what the opposition have described as ‘a last ditch attempt by the government to find a way out of the credit crunch.’

Shadow Home Secretary Dominic Grieve criticised Lord Mandelson for ‘dangerously glamorising knife crime’, and expressed concern that the idea of ‘appeasing the gods’ showed little understanding of the complex economic forces at work in the run up to the current financial crisis.

The government is expected to make a decision by twilight on Wednesday as to whether religious murder is the ‘magic bullet’ required to reverse the plummeting value of sterling and ensure UK Public Sector Borrowing Requirement comes down next year.

Meanwhile, Downing Street has denied rumours that Robert Peston and Frank Field were the front-runners for potential human sacrificee. A spokesperson said that Peter Mandelson has yet to make his choice explaining that only the minister has ‘the experience, the contacts and let’s face it the look to pull off such a task.’

30 December 2008