‘When the car keys disappeared it soon became clear that there was an effect here that had major ramifications for the world of physics,’ said Cox. ‘The keys had clearly undergone an inter-dimensional shift which had moved them through time, space, or one of the many other dimensions posited to exist, in such a way as to render them invisible to the human eye. Also, the car had been clamped and was clocking up £100 a day in storage charges, so it was vital we found an answer quick.’

Professor Stephen Hawking suggested that the Large Hadron Collider was developed to unravel just these sorts of fundamental mysteries about the universe. ‘Brian was banging his head against the wall looking for the elusive car part,’ said Professor Stephen Hawking. ‘It was doing no good, though, so we decided to bang particles together instead, but at massive speeds until he could recall where the car keys were. We also hoped that the LHC could answer other questions such as ‘Where are my glasses?’ and ‘Why did I come upstairs?’’

After years of experiments, the LHC, lying in a 27km tunnel running under the Franco-Swiss border, today finally located the missing keys in a 1.5m ridge running under the cushions on Cox’s sofa. ‘It turns out that one of the missing dimensions predicted by string theory is actually down the back of the sofa,’ explained Cox. ‘This is a major scientific advance, but a further blow to relativity. It seems the space down the back of the sofa is far greater than its outward measurements suggest, and it acts like a black hole sucking in all matter around it. I believe that if we search down the back of the world’s sofas we will find all the ships and aircraft that were believed lost in the Bermuda Triangle.’

Cox is now hoping to win the Nobel prize with his discovery in order to help pay off the massive fine that is due to get his car unclamped.

‘I do hope they find the little chap,’ said a concerned passer-by near the CERN laboratory in Switzerland yesterday. ‘I couldn’t bear the thought of him all alone in the universe. It’s almost beyond comprehension.’

Scientists are hoping the posters will help find the particle, but they admit it’s a long shot. ‘We couldn’t find a picture and no-one really knows what they’re looking for,’ said one. ‘People haven’t been so confused since Schrodinger put up all those ‘wanted dead or alive’ notices for his cat.’

Runestone Cowboy

‘The 300-million-metres-per-second speed limit was introduced at the beginning of the universe and is clearly now out of date,’ he said. ‘We’ve seen huge advances in sub-atomic automotive safety since then. What we would be doing here is bringing a number of neutrinos which routinely flout the limit back on the right side of the laws of relativity, and that has to be a good thing.’

The proposal follows recent trials in an underground transport network on the Franco-Swiss border near Geneva in which certain road users were allowed to exceed the current limit. The success of that experiment means that Ministers are convinced the existing law needs to change.

‘Not only would this change be good for scientists, it would also be good for business,’ continued Hammond. ‘Increasing the speed limit would reduce the journey time from the sun to the earth from its current sluggish 8 minutes and 19 seconds, bringing enormous economic benefits by increasing the amount of sunlight we receive and potentially lengthening the day.’

However, critics of the plan have expressed concern. ‘Physicists have already shown complete disregard for sub-atomic safety,’ said campaign group BRAKE. ‘A rise in the light-speed limit is only going to see more scientific theories die needlessly in our laboratories each year as scientists smash particles together at ever increasing velocity.’

Despite the criticism Ministers have vowed to press on with the scheme, but have also promised to get tough with selfish sub-atomic road users who tail-gate, hog the middle lane and overtake on the inside.

(Based on an idea by Screenie)

Circuit judge Eddy Sonn insisted that: ‘The coppers at first remained static while attempting to charge the man who they suspected of battery, and did not see the situation’s potential to spark such a shocking result. Only when the suspect became increasingly wired on the way to a cell was the Taser used, with unexpectedly terminal consequences.’

The deceased, professional boxer “Lightning” Rod Williamson, a former conductor for London Transport, has been sadly missed by friends in his ohm town of Northampton, who have published an ode in his memory in the Telegraph.

This incident has generated many coulomb inches of positive and negative comment in the newspapers, and senior politicians are calling for an enquiry, likely to be chaired by Liberal Democrat Cabinet member, Chris Huhne.

By Screenie, Sinnick, pdonkyd, Golgo13, Ostsee, riesler, DiY, writinginbsl, dvo4fun, Al OPecia, Poecheng, rickwestwell

Some bewildered sufferers report being hopelessly lost, and having visions of ghostly apparitions in yellow t-shirts floating in and out of secret exits. Others experience an invisible, unrelenting trolley-shaped force pushing them backwards and a feeling of deep despair.

A boffin explained ‘It appears that time goes so slowly that in the space of two hours, these people appear to have wasted literally half their lives in IKEA. We believe the flat-packed, space-saving nature of IKEA’s products juxtaposed with the sheer bloody-minded labyrinthine nature of the stores themselves may have created a paradox which shattered the space-time continuum, resulting in a parallel universe.’

SingingHinny

One government spokesman said the growing trend for ‘normal’ accents is ‘undermining the gravitas and integrity of British science and must stop right now.’

The science minister has come short of pointing the finger of blame at anyone in particular but it is widely felt that the action has been taken in direct response to the BBC, which has let a number of northern scientists find their way onto prime time television.

The matter has come to a head with Professor Brian Cox, who has attracted criticism for trying to explain particle physics on BBC 1 with a strong Oldham accent. One unnamed critic said that he was ‘letting science down’ and added that ‘if he really cared about science he would have spent some time at the Large Hadron Collider developing an authentic European type accent.’

British security forces first became suspicious when Hawking’s TV lecture explained the concept of the ‘event horizon’ as light approached a black hole. ‘And this is why,’ said his trademark voice-synthesiser, ‘no one should listen to the Dalai Lama, and everyone should stop moaning about the legitimate Chinese province of Tibet.’

In other recent pronouncements the professor postulated on the infinite expansion of the universe, the origin of matter and the need for an arms boycott of Taiwan, which is not a legitimate independent country, but a puppet state of running pig-dogs of capitalist troublemakers. He added: ‘Did you know you could see the Great Wall of China from space?’

There are now very real concerns for his continued longevity after analysts discovered he may only be fixed with poor quality Chinese spare parts, as opposed to the high-grade NASA equipment currently utilised. Indeed, there is a risk that he may break down at any point, unless somebody can decipher the user manual in time.

The upside is that the Chinese reckon that now they have hacked into the prototype, they will be able to produce thousands of Stephen Hawkings at a much lower cost. One MI5 insider said, ‘It won’t just be Cambridge University that has a Stephen Hawking. Every college and sixth form in the country will have their own wheelchair-bound physics genius, explaining the universe and being made to perform ‘Fitter, Happier’ by Radiohead.’

‘That’s the trouble with British innovation – we have the original idea and these Tiger economies go and mass produce them.’

thogg with SingingHinny

‘The British people are sick and tired of things continually breaking down,’ said Mr Clegg, ‘this law stands in the way of progress and it has to go.’ The announcement follows extensive consultation in which the public were invited to nominate the laws that they would most like to see abolished. ‘There was a clear consensus that the universal principle of decay had become a real nuisance,’ said Mr Clegg, before going on to promise what he described as ‘the biggest shake-up to the fundamental laws of physics since the Big Bang.’

Constitutional lawyers are now working alongside physicists to draft a replacement law of thermodynamics to plug the gap between laws one and three.

‘It won’t be easy creating an entirely new law of physics completely from scratch,’ explained government advisor Professor Brian Cox, ‘we tried it back in 1997 when I was a member of D:Ream and we drafted legislation stating that ‘things can only get better’. However, because of the second law of thermodynamics, things inevitably collapsed into a state of war, corruption and economic meltdown.’

The decision to reverse the irreversibility of nature was warmly welcomed by the Prime Minister: ‘The second law dates back to the beginning of time itself,’ said Mr Cameron ‘and is therefore an anachronism. The repeal of this fundamentally regressive legislation will go a long way to help mend Broken Britain.’

Speaking at a press conference the Deputy Prime Minister promised to repeal any other bothersome or abstract laws. ‘Many people have expressed concerns that the law of diminishing return is placing an intolerable constraint on their civil liberties to keep doing the same thing and hoping it would remain just as interesting,’ he said. ‘That way we can keep making these little tweaks to the statute book, and hope that people don’t grow less and less impressed with them.’