Search may be widened to Legoland

After failing to find suspected armed killer Raoul Moat in the village of Rothbury, police officers are now ‘almost certain’ the fugitive is hiding at Alton Towers theme park.

‘So far officers have conducted enjoyable searches of the Pirate Galleon and the Tea Cups rides,’ said Detective Chief Superintendent Neil Adamson. ‘Latest intelligence has led us to stake out the hot dog stand, while another group of officers has completed an exhilarating search of the Oblivion rollercoaster, twice.’

The operation is being conducted by plain clothes officers armed with priority passes entitling them to jump to the front of queues and get a 20% discount at Karzy-Kandyfloss.

‘Naturally the lads are excited about today, but some of them are already getting tired and at least two have been badly splashed. However, we will not rest until we successfully make an arrest or Congo River Rapids close at 6pm.’

‘We found the bodies, and the police are abusing our goodwill by holding on to them for an unacceptable length of time,’ he said. ‘Sometimes we don’t get them back at all, and when we do get them back they are often not in the condition that we found them in.’

The law states that anyone who finds a body must declare it to the coroner within 14 days. The coroner can then choose to bring in the police, but many dog-walkers are increasingly tempted to keep the find to themselves. ‘Nothing beats making a really good find’ said Bert Perlman, of Leicester. ‘But all the pleasure is being sucked out of it with the job’s-worth mentality of the police.’

Many police forces admit that the whole business of processing dead bodies is not as fast as they would like it to be, but claim they are setting new targets for returning the finds before they are fully decayed. ‘Frankly our hands our tied by petty government regulations and endless red tape. These days you can’t even dig up the body of a missing kidnapped heiress without some busy-body wanting to get the police involved. The problem is that with so many corpses being passed over the police station counter, it’s difficult to process them all what with with all the lost keys, empty wallets and wheel-less bicycles.’

In order to reduce the workload of the police, a number of forces have issued new guidelines to dog-walkers. Henceforth, any ramblers that find severed body parts in the woods or on waste ground, are requested to just put a home-made notice up on a nearby lamp-post. ‘That way, anyone who has lost an arm or a leg can claim it back directly from the finder without the police having to get involved.’

One woman who believes she may have seen the back of Q Jumper’s head, said she still get cross when she thinks about it. ‘I was queuing for a lottery ticket in W. H. Smith’s when a man suddenly slipped in front of me from nowhere, as bold as brass he was. I told the police his hair was cut square at the back and they said I’d been very helpful. I hope he’s caught soon before he gets a winning lottery ticket that rightfully belongs to someone else.’

CCTV cameras have caught Q Jumper jumping queues at bus stops, in supermarkets, self-service restaurants, Job Centres, at funerals, and even at a wreath laying ceremony at the Cenotaph. ‘Nothing is sacred to this sociopathic criminal,’ said Inspector Watson. ‘As long as he satisfies his insatiable hunger for queue jumping, that’s all that matters to him.’

Police claim they have been hampered in their efforts to catch Q Jumper because every chase has ended with him pushing in at the front of a queue while detectives are legally obliged to join the back of the line. ‘It’s incredibly frustrating’ said Inspector Watson. ‘Our officers were reduced to craning their necks and tutting. But I believe we are getting closer to him and I have decided to put the Q Jumper case ahead of all the others.’

Inspector Watson confirmed that a man taken into custody earlier this week was later released without charge. ‘We were about to put him up for an identity parade, but we realised he couldn’t be our man as soon as we observed he wasn’t making the slightest effort to push to the front of the other men waiting for the line up.’

roybland