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Posts Tagged ‘police’

Criminals asked to push themselves down the stairs by ‘over-worked’ police

Goodbye, Goodbye, GoodbyeAn inspection of police forces in England and Wales has reported that crime suspects are being asked to racially abuse themselves, plant their own incriminating evidence, and if the police are really busy, push themselves down the stairs on the way to the holding cells.

Offenders everywhere are protesting at further degradation to an already limited service. ‘Really, service is parlous,’ complained career criminal, Cecil ‘Nutter’ Smythe, from Gosport. ‘It is almost as if the police aren’t there. How are we supposed to rest easy knowing that some activities such as car crime are being effectively decriminalised?’

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Posted: Sep 5th, 2014
More from UK News



Raid at Sir Cliff Richard’s house found ‘disturbing calendar images’

Over fifty prospective images for a planned 2015 calendar were discovered on hard-drives and mobile phone devices during the dawn bust, some of which have already been classed as ‘Category A’ and ‘totally gross’.

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Posted: Aug 16th, 2014
More from Arts/Entertainment



Crime victims urged to look less ‘victimmy’

‘We’re very busy and we really don’t need the hassle of investigating crimes against wimps who, frankly, invite it,’ a Met spokesman said. ‘When you consider how much crime is caused by people looking like victims, really we should be charging them with wasting police time.’

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Posted: Aug 15th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Veteran dog walker finally finds corpse in woods

After years of waking up early to take his dog for a walk through the woods, retiree Mike Edwards has finally found a corpse. The grim discovery, which he suspects will be the first of many, was made early yesterday morning when he noticed a hand sticking out from beneath some leaves.

‘I’ve been walking my dog through the woods every morning since I retired fifteen years ago’, said the 67-year-old. ‘Everybody knows that all dog walkers eventually find something like this, but I’ve not once found a mangled body or a skeleton. I’ve never even come across a discarded running shoe with the foot still inside. That all changed today; it’s terribly exciting’.

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Posted: Aug 6th, 2014
More from UK News



Metropolitan Police admit to ‘investigating crime’

Met to get back to good old-fashioned snooping, discreditingAt a press conference, Police Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-O’Hooligan confirmed mounting speculation that police were increasingly targeting known and suspected criminals, but was eager to put the practice into context. ‘I am in no way condoning what has happened, but it is worth pointing out that this was just a few bad apples acting alone and without authorisation. It is now firmly in the past, and moving forward I will ensure every officer upholds the highest standards of the Metropolitan Police by focusing their investigative resources solely on spying on and discrediting those people who seek to establish the truth about cases in which the Met is involved.’

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Posted: Jul 24th, 2014
More from UK News