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Posts Tagged ‘Politics’

Nick Clegg launches sinister dating site: ‘Salmond, Farage or Me’

the British public finally has a choice of dirty partnerIn attempt to help voters lose their lunch, the Lib Dems have promoted their answer to C4’s ‘The Undateables’. Offering a stark choice of sexual extremes, Nick Clegg has positioned himself as the ‘moderate filling’, sandwiched between the thick, sweaty slabs of the SNP’s Alex Salmond and UKIP’s Nigel Farage.

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Posted: Apr 15th, 2015
More from Politics



Scientists marvel at volume of money up Osborne’s arse

plenty more where that came from...After it was revealed earlier today that George Osborne was to pull a further £5.8 billion out of his arse to fund the subsidisation of Housing Association sales, scientists have been arguing excitedly about the incredible capacity of his colon. Having already found £8 billion for the NHS and £7 billion in tax cuts earlier in the year, it is now being said by some that Osborne’s ‘Tardis Arse’ is in fact the biggest of its kind in the western world.

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Posted: Apr 14th, 2015
More from Politics



Porn star UKIP candidate to appear in X-rated party political

‘John tells her that he’s come to inspect her pipes,’ explained director George Winters. She says “I was expecting a Polish plumber” at which point John delivers a three-minute monologue about the damage being done by the influx of cheap eastern European labour before pointing out that he has the biggest toolbox in the EU.’.

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Posted: Apr 10th, 2015
More from News In Brief



Large Hadron Collider could let foreign particles in, complains Farage

looks like a giant arsehole, and so does the LHCNigel Farage has slammed the Large Hadron Collider for taking two years off work then coming back online to ‘deliberately introduce dark matter into an already crowded Universe’. The UKIP leader has long highlighted quantum immigration as an ‘explosive issue’ for the general election.

‘Frankly we just don’t have the infrastructure to assimilate all these new particles’, Farage raged, taking an earnest boggle-eyed bantam stance. ‘It has been openly admitted that we don’t really know where all these ‘exotic particles’ originate and we know far less about their skills and employment records. How do we know that the minute these particles are created, they won’t go straight on benefits?’

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Posted: Apr 8th, 2015
More from Science/Technology



Old dogs no longer funded for trick-based education

might as well just curl up and sleep on it in front of the fireThe Department for Business Innovation and Skills (BIS) has decided to cut 24% from the adult education budget to remove a culture of just ‘fetching sticks’ and looking cute.

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Posted: Mar 28th, 2015
More from Education, Politics