The kit, comprising of bell, book and candle, plus a special phial of holy water blessed by the Pope himself, will be available from the Vatican home shopping channel, QVC, Quality Value Catholicism.

‘The kit is a real blessing to those people who are possessed by demons but don’t possess the time to deal with them,’ said Vatican chief exorcist, Father Gabriele Amorth. ‘Now people can exorcise from the comfort of their own home, and without having to wait ages for a priest to arrive.’

The launch of the kit is seen as a response to a rising number of possessions that are putting Vatican emergency services under strain.

‘Satan has been very busy recently,’ said Father Amorth. ‘As exorcists we’re completely rushed off our feet, and sometimes thrown backwards and pinned against the wall too. The Home Exorcism Kit is the solution. And at only €666 it’s a small price to pay for a cleansed soul. Money back guarantee if not completely exorcised.’

Father Amorth dismissed accusations that the church was cynically making money from people’s misery and distress saying only, ‘If anyone can, Vatican.’

The Home Exorcism Kit includes a special dispensation from the Pope allowing people to perform their very own exorcisms, on themselves, troublesome members of their family or anyone they meet in the street and who looks a bit funny. For an added sense of atmosphere the deluxe edition comes with a tiny fog generating machine and a Tubular Bells CD.

‘Some people may be uncertain if they have become impregnated with the demonic spore of Satan,’ said Father Amorth, ‘but now they can check for themselves using our new Possession Testing Kit. It’s very easy to use: simply rotate your head 360 degrees and vomit onto the chemical testing strip. If it goes red you are possessed by the devil; if it goes blue you probably just ate some bean sprouts.’

Speaking to crowds at St Peter’s Square Pope Benedict proudly showed off the new product. ‘Everyone should buy a Home Exorcism Kit,’ he declared. ‘Order now, while stocks last. It will be one possession you’ll be glad to have.’

Denying that the plans, which were found on a train in the Milan area, represented ‘a sellout to secularisation’,  Cardinal Paolo Romeo, the archbishop of Palermo, said: ‘We are not having too bad a time of it with the old gaffer who’s in at the moment, but we think it’s time we went for somebody a bit more, you know, buff.’

The plans also suggest that the College of Cardinals may elect a ‘young female companion’ to assist the next Pope in his adventures. ‘There will be no hanky-panky in the Basilica,’ said Cardinal Romeo. ‘But a foxy young sidekick at the Holy Father’s side could be just the ticket, somebody like Cheryl Cole or Lily Allen. Personally I’m a bit worried that if we don’t go ahead with these changes then there’s a chance the Catholic Church could begin to look a bit dated and out of touch.’

The Holy See’s tireless efforts to build an extension to Paradise have been thwarted by a ruling made by the UN’s Cultural Buildings Unit, which regulates physical and metaphysical building works in the greater earth area.

‘It was clear from the record number of objections we received in respect of this application that to grant permission would have been hugely controversial,’ Martin Broderick from UNCBU told reporters.

‘Not only were objections lodged and considered from all the non-Abrahamic religions, but consultations were taken with experts on the proposed design. Quite frankly, a Richard Rogers glass and steel edifice with atria and sewerage pipes on the outside was never going to cut the mustard. Certainly not in Jerusalem at any rate.’

Mr Blacker

‘I simply cannot believe that I have been fooled,’ said the Pope. ‘He assured me he was God; he posted a photograph of God; he even used the language of God. Every day he would issue me with all sorts of commandments – though admittedly most of them involved me sending him saucy photos – and at the time it all seemed very convincing.’

The deception came to light when a Vatican cardinal saw the correspondence. ‘I thought it was a bit strange that God would choose to meet the head of the church at an abandoned playground in Frinton-on-Sea,’ he said. ‘I know He moves in mysterious ways, but this looked very suspicious.’

Police have arrested 54-year-old Dennis Duggle, a self-employed plumber from Essex. ‘Mr Duggle is a well-known pontiff-phile,’ said Chief Inspector Freddy Nietzsche, Head of Interpol’s False Gods Squad. ‘He has since made a full confession, but only when the interviewing officer agreed to dress up as the Pope and listen in from the next room.’

Mr Duggle has been charged with three counts of metaphysical impersonation – the Father, Son and Holy Ghost – plus one additional charge of Pope grooming. Police say Mr Duggle’s computer hard drive also contained hundreds of pictures of Popes, some of them as young as 75. They are now looking into the possibility that he may be part of a wider network of online pontiff-philes, or Papal ring.

The 83-year-old Pope, who is still coming to terms with modern technology, including the internet, electricity and contraception, is said to be embarrassed by the de-revelation. ‘I feel like such an idiot,’ he said. ‘At least I would if it wasn’t for the fact that I am infallible. This sort of thing can really shake one’s faith in virtual relationships.’

The controversial debate centres on a fundamental tenet of faith that at the moment of communion the priest becomes the living spirit of Jesus Christ who was a man, and who therefore would have definitely understood the off-side law.  ’It states clearly in the Bible, And lo, let no man pass the ball to an attacking player lest there be at least one defender between him and the goal,’ said Bishop Mike Dean.  ‘Oh unless he is deemed to be inactive in the first phase of play or something, something. Amen.  Anyway, the Bible is very clear on this.’

The referee bishops say that the switch will not affect their ability to officiate at matches, except that they won’t be able to run quite as fast wearing cassocks and a mitre.  There may also be slight adjustments to the sanctions; for a two footed tackle; a player will no longer get a red card but will be asked to say ten ‘hail Marys’ and be told to go in peace. ‘Also if we have a quiet word with a team captain, it will be done in the confession box through a lattice screen and we won’t actually know who it is we are talking to.’

The female linesman at the centre of the storm said in a brief statement that she hopes that the controversy will soon blow over and that she will ultimately be judged on how she performs on the touchline; prompting Andy Gray to say ‘All right love, don’t go on about it, bloody hell, it must be her time of the month or something…’

Junior reporters first focused their attention on Catholic priests in confessionals, posing as regular sinners.  After half an hour of deliberately fawning and unchallenging questions, the giggling journalist casually dropped the bombshell that she had heard several members of the community suggest that the Pope is in fact a Catholic.

And her clandestine recording clearly confirms the priest’s shocking answer: “Well, you seem to have hit the nail on the head there, young lady”.

The Telegraph was quick to congratulate itself on another scoop, with a spokesman promising that readers would be gripped by next week’s expose on the toilet habits of wild bears.

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‘He chose exactly the right moment to withdraw from Britain,’ said a Vatican spokesman. ‘If His Holiness had stayed in too long, then things could have got complicated a little further down the road. The pontiff was clearly a little hot under the dog collar from all the attention he had been getting, and for everyone’s protection he thought it safest to step back from the brink.’

It is understood that future papal visits to the UK will be scheduled according to a little-understood rhythm method, though many believe that abstinence may be the safest option.