‘These laws won’t be effective at their stated goal of stopping copyright infringement and will cause serious damage to the free and open Internet,’ said Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales. ‘Or, to cut to the chase, they could mean that the only way to watch a Thai amputee fellating a dwarf is to fly to sit in a cabin smelling of used condom in Amsterdam and hope none of the junkies nick your wallet first.’

PIPA and SOPA – which, contrary to articles posted on Wikipedia yesterday, have nothing to do with the Duchess of Cambridge’s sister or pictures of naked women with implants lathering themselves in a shower – are efforts to stop copyright infringement committed by websites out of US jurisdiction. According to Wales, however, they may actually infringe free expression while harming the Internet.

‘Putting the burden on website owners to police user-contributed material means that if you want to make a mint out of selling a clip of two Brazilian transexuals doing disgusting things with farm animals you will have to watch it yourself first,’ warned Wales. ‘Do you want that? Because I don’t. Seriously, no.’

Added Wales: ‘Those who have grown up with an open, secure, and free Internet may take it for granted. But let me tell you, if you’d been a teenager in the 1970s and had never seen pubic hair except in a crumpled-up copy of ‘Oui’ you found discarded in a hedge by your school or had to sneak down to your parents’ living room in the middle of a night and sit through two hours of cod-philosophising in a French art house film before finally getting a two-second glimpse of a fandango, you’d be as frustrated and irritable as I am right now … What? Oh, shut UP.’

‘Painstaking research has shown that every position, orifice and perversion has been tried, filled and catered for,’ said industry insider Hank Fillmore. ‘In addition, every combination of inter-generational, inter-racial and inter-species procreation has been achieved in every possible location, and it’s all been carefully documented for posterity. In short, there’s nothing new under the son, not even the horny step-mum.’

Industry insiders say they had begun to suspect the possibilities had been exhausted some time ago. ‘We noticed things beginning to go stale,’ admitted Fillmore. ‘At the beginning there’s always that spark of attraction between a man and his online porn collection, and for the first few months they do everything together. But over time the novelty wears off and both parties begin to take the other for granted. Before long you’re lucky if they even make the effort on birthdays and anniversaries. Recently we’ve been seeing many more instances of viewers struggling to keep the magic alive.’

‘The problem now is what’s left for these stars and starlets to get excited about?’ continued Fillmore. ‘A few years ago you might have aimed for an original combo involving a Prince Albert, some girl-on-girl action and household pet, all finished off with some triple bukkake, but it’s all been done. Nowadays people don’t even raise an eyebrow at extreme perversions like felching crochet, buntfunting and fronteriang.’

There are now concerns that the porn industry’s raw talent will have to look elsewhere for employment. ‘Actors who are used to playing plumbers will actually have to train as plumbers,’ said Fillmore. ‘But it’s the actresses who play kinky lesbian attorneys that I’m worried about. Who’s going to give them a fair crack of the whip? And of course the fisting lobby is up in arms.’

‘Don’t worry, though, we’ve organised a conference to think of new ways of making porn. In between the one-on-one networking, breakout sessions for golden thought showers and full-on plenary action, I’m sure we’ll come up with something. And if not, the DVD should be great.’

simonjmr (hat-tip to Gerontius)

‘Few individuals have had a greater impact upon the lives of teenage boys,’ said the editor of Escort magazine. ‘Since the early sixties Desmond has travelled the length and breadth of the UK leaving dog-eared, down-market porn in byway undergrowth. It’s thanks to him we have that old porn industry saying, ‘A mag in the hand is worth two in the bush’.’

Although the advent of the internet in the 1990s forced Desmond out of business, it did at least give him more time to devote to his other interests, hanging trainers over pylon cables and distributing white dog poo.

Desmond is survived by a vast collection of Knave and Mayfair.

simonjmr

He began his campaign against the pharmaceutical behemoth in 2000, when Viagra use became widespread in the San Fernando Valley adult movie industry, resulting in massive job losses among fluffers, and which devastated the suburb of Santa Bona where so many of the fluffing community lived.

‘It was terrible,’ recalls former fluffer Bruno Weaver, sipping a coffee at the 69er Diner on Santa Bona’s now regenerated Main Street. ‘The whole town was affected. Some of these guys had been fluffing for generations. What else did they know? There were still a few jobs for lube-monkeys and wipe-down crews, but c’mon…these guys had some pride. They were fluffers!’

At first Vilbiss and the AFU membership sought to negotiate to keep Viagra out of the adult entertainment industry, but in the face of swelling enthusiasm for ‘Vitamin V’ among performers and studio bosses alike, their case just wouldn’t stand up. Most AFU fluffers were offered some compensation, but many felt that members had been palmed off.

‘We felt let down. Deflated,’ continued Bruno, as fellow patrons at the diner nodded in agreement. ‘The Union used to be a strong, upstanding pillar of this community. We brought the studio executives to their knees in ’87 over the rubber glove dispute, but this time there was nothing we could do. We were just tossed aside. Technology had made us obsolete, and it was difficult to swallow. We felt…impotent.’

It was then that Vilbiss and his supporters, who became known as ‘Puddites’, began their six-month campaign against Pfizer, trying in vain to hold back the march of progress. Smashing up laboratories, destroying stock and disrupting the distribution of the blue pill, for a time they caused significant problems for the drug giant. However, the movement lost its thrust when Vilbiss, with a string of arrest warrants to his name, went into hiding.

Since then, Santa Bona has risen again, stimulated by millions of dollars in government investment, and many fluffers have retrained to work at the nearby Large Hardon Collider, a research project investigating the theory of ‘high energy straight action’ and the opening of small black holes, which, with the help of Bruno and many other ex-fluffers, finally got turned on last month.

Jeff Vilbiss, on the other hand, will be twiddling his thumbs behind bars for a minimum 12 years a few miles down the road in California State Prison.

‘This is a great British success story’ said a spokesman for 10 Downing Street. ‘When it comes to reaching the South Pole or circumnavigating the globe the British have too often been the runners up. But here is an example of a 21st century British explorer who has planted the Union Flag on the new frontier of the digital age.’

Mr Harris, or ‘Sir Wayne’ as he is soon expected to become, never set out to be achieve this historic first but admitted ‘I just really like looking at pornography. I spend most days, and nights in fact, just clicking from one link to the next, and entering random obscene ideas in my search engine. But I suppose that is dedication of a sort, and I feel a sort of pride that I should be the most porn-obsessed man in the whole world.’

Wayne has received a flood of invitations from schools and youth clubs as a role model and possible mentor to Britain’s young people, but he is not rushing into anything just yet. ‘Being a motivational speaker is all very well. But it would mean pulling myself away from my computer screen for five minutes. And right now I’m in the middle of downloading a blurred video of these Thai women rubbing baby oil on a dwarf.’

Parliament is to create its first Register of Members’ sexual interests as an official record of MPs’ erotic preferences, sexual persuasion and extra-marital relationships.

The latest extension of the Freedom of Information act follows a number of scandals in which a politician’s public stance has clearly conflicted with the approach taken in their private lives. It is hoped that MPs’ moral positions on sexual matters will be more consistent if a list is published detailing their visits to Spearmint Rhino or hours spent on hardcore pornographic websites; and so public respect for their elected representatives will be restored.

The Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards explained how the idea had come about; ‘The Government had just lost a big vote on the Prostitution in Public Places Bill when someone blurted out: “It’s no wonder Lanky Stephens voted against it; he’s a rampant kerb-crawler with a penchant for sado-masochism and bondage.”’ Further casual enquiries revealed that a number of the most outspoken moralists in the House of Commons who made a great show of removing prostitutes cards from Westminster telephone boxes, subsequently rang those very same numbers later in the evening.

Pressure for the register of sexual interests has come mainly from the tabloid press, who claim that such a register is ‘a matter of moral urgency’ and not at all a quick way to get loads of easy copy. But the commissioner claims that as well as stamping out conflicts of interest, the new register might spell the end for salacious tabloid headlines. ‘The next time a Lib Dem MP is snapped by a photographer from The Sun on Clapham Common with a 19 year-old call-boy called Leroy, it’ll take the wind right out of the story! He can just say I told you about this; check the register; under ‘D’ for ‘domination’.’

Members of Parliament will list their sexual activities on a special form, using a separate piece of paper if necessary. Ann Widdecombe was the first MP to enter the register. To great relief all round, her list of sexual interests simply said ‘None’.

prbunny

Speaking from his agent’s home in a nearby trailer park, the seasoned porn star said ‘I have done three or four hundred of these movies and it always starts off with me fixing the plumbing or something. There’s barely a hint of a suggestive remark and suddenly we are getting straight down to it. It is demeaning to men around the world and failing to stretch my skills as a trained actor.’

New industry figures reveal that the days of full-length adult movies may be coming to an end. Changes in viewing habits demonstrate a growing preference for viewers ‘looping’ the best scenes over and over via internet downloads rather than sitting through the extended narrative of a ninety minute porn movie.
Despite this Rhodes remains adamant that his artistic integrity has been compromised; ‘Why can’t I sit and chat for a bit with these ladies? Maybe indulge in a bit of gentle flirting; a movie, dinner and few saucy text messages before we finally make love? Then when we finally sleep together it could be a joyous union of two people expressing their deep love for one other, and not some meaningless perfunctory grinding. I have a few buddies that are pizza delivery guys, TV repairmen and plumbers, none of them have ever had a sexual experience with a client. Neither has a burglar climbed in the window at that very moment, and casually been permitted to join in. To be honest I am starting to feel a bit used and cheapened by the whole thing.’

But to Mr Rhodes disappointment, the attractive female journalist he was talking to simply wrote down his quotes in her notebook, instead of being sufficiently impressed by his moral stand to strip off there and then and have instant uncomplicated sex with him. ‘Damn! I was sure that would work…’ he added.