‘Of course! It’s like, as in ‘kettle’! Kettle calling the ‘pot black!’ I can’t believe no-one ever saw that!’ he expostulated in front of wife Mary, 34. Mr Plant immediately phoned all his friends and relatives to tell them the news, before emailing all his workmates.

Charged with emotion, he then went on to speculate that the name of the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield, was a subtle reference to American McCarthyist bigotry, ‘Like in the play, you know?’, and probably ‘some kind of attack on Alex Higgins’. At this point, Mr Plant’s wife gently pointed out that the actual expression was ‘pot calling the kettle black’, and so if his theory was correct the programme should have been called ‘Kettle Black’.

There were ugly scenes at the World Snooker Championships this weekend when the final between Mark Selby and John Higgins was interrupted by other competitors claiming they were next on the table.

Indicating a couple of pound coins that they had left on the side, the defeated semi-finalists Sean Murphy and Stephen Maguire, told the finalists that they had no right to be playing as they ‘never put down no money’. Famed snooker referee Jan Verhaas attempted to calm the situation between only to be struck across the head with a cue and hear a Scottish voice cry ‘stay out of it mate, you ain’t even fucking playing’.

The atmosphere was already tense after Murphy had repeatedly left his pint on the side of the table, and shouted ‘In the hole!’ just as the finalists took every shot. A debate ensued over whether they had to nominate a hole for the black and Mark Selby had to keep saying, ‘Scuse me mate, you’re dropping ash on the felt.’ But no one had expected a full scale pub brawl to kick off which then spilt out into the car park, where Stephen Maguire was knocked into a pile of plastic crates, while commentator Dennis Taylor, now in tears shouted ‘Leave it Mark, he’s not worth it’. A snooker ball was smacked against Maguire’s nose, causing a severe nosebleed, at which point the referee picked up the ball and carefully placed it back on its correct spot on the table.

All four have been barred from the venue and the final will resume today with a couple of thirteen year olds who just like rolling the balls down the table and watching them bouncing off the cushion.

fererro (thanks to Matt in the Hat)